Hello, I am new, but have lurked for the past year. Read DB, SSM, at least twice, Light her fire, etc.
Married 11yr, 2kids. This past year has been very difficult. Wife basically decided without telling me, that she has been unhappy for at least the past 3 yr and as a result does not want to have a sex life with me anymore. I figured things out over a couple of months. She says I have been mean to her and kids at times, she is tired of it. Says I don't understand why she doesn't want to be intimate with me.
We had built a new home around that time. She became close with the builder. She said they were just friends, but she talked with him more than me. We basically became strangers living in the same house. Finally around THanksgiving, I confronted her with the R with builder and said we needed to go to C. We started together then apart now back together.
She agreed not to talk with her friend anymore and I don't think she has. My dilemma is that she claims that she doesn't know if she will ever forgive me for hurting her and as a result, doesn't know if she will ever be able to have an intimate relationship with me again. We have counseled this whole time and while counselor thinks things have progressed to the point of us understanding how we got to where we are, the counselor doesn't know if the marriage will survive at this point.
As time goes on, I feel more and more resentful toward W. She wants to be friends, live in the new house and keep things status quo. I think she would be happy living as friends forever and nothing more. I am very torn. I don't want to upset our kids, but I can't live in this situation much longer. I don't even know if I love her anymore for the way she has treated me. I don't believe she really cares if things don't work out, but I sense that she has no idea how life would change. Any thoughts??
You haven’t told us a lot here. Your W said that she had been unhappy for three years. Did she say why? Was it something you could address? If so, have you? Were you mean to her and/or the kids? Have you addressed that? She doesn’t know if she can forgive you for hurting her? How exactly did you hurt her? What steps have you taken to correct that hurt?
Wild, W says it culminated over the past 3 yrs. Yes I have been mean at times. I have apologized profusely, gone over what I have done so that I don't do it again. Counselor has helped greatly with this. She says her hurt comes from the way I treated her and that she is the type of person who takes a very long time to forgive people. For perspective, I am a very neat person. She is sloppy. Most of this meanness has revolved around this. To me, she has made a mountain out of a mole hill. To an extent, I think the counselor thinks so as well. We are both stubborn, but I have tried everything to make it work. I sense that she has checked out ( a WAW) and doesn't care if it doesn't work, which is a change from her previous self...
Good question, GEL. ID, does your W have any interest at all in trying to fix the M?
Regardless of what she wants, I have the same advice for you. If you've been lurking here, I'm sure you've seen it many times. That is - work on yourself. Look at csw's thread. His sitch may not work out, but he's making positive changes that ARE affecting his W.
Wife says she wants to work on it, however she is not trying 100%. This week, counselor asked if we wanted to try to go out together (most of our outings have been with friends or kids). She said yes as long as it was as friends. That was very hurtful and makes me feel that she has given up, but doesn't want to take the next step of breaking up the family.
I know the changes I am making should be for me, but it gets very hard when you feel like you are the only one really trying to make things work. I am happy for the things I have learned about myself and no matter what, think that they will help me in the future.
Another question, is it wrong for me to want to give her my wedding band back? I don't feel like there is much meaning behind it right now.
If you really feel like you cannot wear your wedding ring right now, why not just take it off and put it in a box or something? It sounds like it would be very hurtful to give it back. How would you feel if she gave you back the rings on her finger?
If you have been reading the posts on this BB then you should have got by now, it takes time and patience to fix whats wrong, and it won't be easy. I'm sure others will chime in here.
I agree. I will just put it away for now. BTW, she doesn't wear hers. She usually wears a ring, maybe another one that I got her or one that she got for herself.
I know that it takes time. It's been a year already. Just hard to keep going on so little...
If you are wanting to save your M, then why would you give her your wedding band? If my H gave me back his ring I would think he didn't want to be married any longer. GEL
