Even if you are not worried about H taking things while you are gone, have you considered what H could find if he did a little snooping in your house? I never would have thought (have many time have we said that???) that my H would resort to snooping, but I caught him on MY computer going throught MY personal email accounts...including this bb. I have only recently found out that he copied about every piece of paper in the house that he could lay his hands on....he even copied MY address book. Lesson learned....I keep all important papers under lock and key in my office at work.
Just make sure you are protecting yourself from all angles, especially since you are already anticipating a finacial fight. You never know what ammo H can dig up against you.
Thanks for the book recommendation, Michele. Dealing with an N is what we need advice on, it is all very well saying "run for the hills" as many advise, but once we have been married to them and have children with them it is another matter, and not easily done!
I will have to take note of the possible 'D forgot something' excuse and make she she has everything. Thanks for pointing that out.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
H spoke on the phone to D this evening and then spoke to me. He said he was coming down on Tuesday and wanted to see D for a few hours. And wanted me to take her into town. I said, no can do, I have lessons etc. He said, you always have lessons!
H said, you have NEVER ever brought her into town (that's a lie, I did, and the last time last year I was made to feel like a servant dropping off my charge, with OW2 lurking nearby while H enjoyed a beer, and I vowed I wouldn't be humiliated that way again)
I said, it is not my job to do so.
H said, you haven't even replied to my email of a month ago.
I said, you haven't EVER replied to some of my emails.
He said, which one? I said, for example, around Easter.
H made out he didn't know what I was talking about.
He said when he came down on Tuesday he would go to his bank and make sure his payments were halved.
I said, you do that and see where it gets you, and put down the phone.
I hate dealing with this man. I don't want to ever have to deal with him ever again.
Another thing that interested me was that when D was talking to him in her room I could hear her chatter but not really what she was saying. At one point, she went to her door and said, just one moment, I have something to tell you, and closed her door.
I know she needs her privacy, but I do wonder what needs to be said in private like that...
Oh, here we go, the expected threatening email from H just arrived. Blah blah blah.... his version of history... it seems I never contributed *anything* to our first house... (except single-handedly cleaned it and totally painted/decorated it before we moved in, in the stinking heat of the summer without any electricity or running water or anything, furnished it with mostly my own furntiture and some I bought, some we bought with H's money, kept house there - cleaned and cooked and looked after it... used mostly my bed linen and towels, pots and pans... but no, I didn't contribute anything...)
Ooooooooh, I just want to give the man a huge KICK up the you know what.
He lists that he supported me and D the whole length of our marriage. Apparently I did nothing.
Let me start with MY version of history, beginning with how I paid every single penny for the wedding and reception for 80 guests, down to paying FOR MY OWN RING - he didn't even offer to pay for that as a token gesture! The reason is that we got married in the country where I was living at the time, and it seemed silly to get his money over to pay for half, and lose out with the exchange rate etc. But he seems to have overlooked a *few* little facts like that...
I know, I know, I should know better than to get mad about what he says and does any more.
I actually emailed him back one line stating what I had told him on the phone - that I had been very busy lately and that I would get back to him shortly.
That is, after my lawyer's appointment tomorrow.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Quote: He lists that he supported me and D the whole length of our marriage.
Then, he owes you spousal support while you transition into being able to provide for yourself. Use that statement as proof if need be.
Quote: H said, you haven't even replied to my email of a month ago.
I said, you haven't EVER replied to some of my emails.
He said, which one? I said, for example, around Easter.
H made out he didn't know what I was talking about.
Not that you asked, Liv, but I've found it just doesn't pay to even engage like that. He's bringing you down to his level (which is underneath a snake's belly). Just keep out of it and let his stupid allegations hang in the air. You cannot out-talk a narcissist.
Quote: He said he was coming down on Tuesday and wanted to see D for a few hours. And wanted me to take her into town. I said, no can do, I have lessons etc. He said, you always have lessons!
Good for you for setting a boundary. You are not alive for his convenience. Period. If he wants to see her, he can come and get her. And return her on time.
Don't be so worried about the secretiveness of your daughter on the phone. She may be whispering about a gift for you, or some plan of how she'd like to spend time with her dad. As I recall, girls her age are very much into fantasy, magic, castles and princesses. I imagine her dad indulges her and she feels quite princess-like.
Her R with her dad is, afterall, her business. She's quite young, but it's still the case.
Good luck on your meeting with your L. I hope he or she really works as your advocate in this difficult sitch.
I have to report that D has passed the princesses and castles stage, and pooh pooh's anything remotely pink with a great deal of show. But she was into it for ages.
I just have to trust it was something about D, not H using her as a spy or something.
I am up early to try and frame some of the questions I need to ask and make a note of them, to take to the lawyer today.
It sounds very much as if H is peeved that I am doing anything with my life. Looks like I would need to wear sack cloth and ashes to make him feel good about his choices.
Anyway, I will get some answers today. Keep you all posted.
About not winning any arguments with a narcissist, it is funny, H always has said to me he didn't like arguing with me becuase I always won with my logic. But now, H is not using logic so much as bullying tactics. He holds some of the purse strings and is using that to jerk me around. I need a cast iron agreement that does not need renegotiation every two minutes.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Quote: Well, what did you find out from the lawyer???
Ellie
It was quite a good meeting. Basically, H cannot just bully me, he is obliged to pay what he is paying now, unless my circumstances get a whole lot better than they are at present. Neither can he force me to move out or sell the house, at least for another nine years or so. As long as it is the residence of the minor in my care.
I feel some relief, for sure. But annoyed that sooooo much of my time and effort is spent worrying about and attending to these scares.
H came and picked up D this lunchtime and brought her back too. My house is clean and the weather turned pleasantly cool today, so I was in a good mood.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I think the time has come to write a definitive letter of some sort to H, telling him the following -
As far as I am concerned, what he pays me now is the bottom line, irrespective of what I am earning. By all accounts, the lawyer seemed to think what he pays is OK and no way too much in my circumstances.
I don't want to have to account to H every so often. He pays child support and half the mortgage, and that is that.
I don't want to have to account for what I am doing in my life, how I am spending my money etc, to him.
Friendship between us will not work. Being cordial and friendly when we have to communicate is enough.
I will be sticking to some boundaries - I will not ferry D or do errands for him, that are not related to our agreement.
I am having a hard time wondering how to word this. From what I have read about Narcissists and also from experience with H, this kind of stuff is very injurious to their egos and you will be "punished". Many things about narcissists - their sense of entitlement, their tendancy to project all their garbage onto you, their insatiability and sense of victimhood, all of which I see plainly in H, make them very wearying to deal with.
Please help me with suggestions about the wording of this letter, so it sounds firm, not provocative, and perhaps even strokes his ego in some way...
Thanks,
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I would be happy to read a version of it. Word of caution though. When I told XH that I would no longer do his errands (after I had filed for divorce) he went bananas. His attacking me started with me informing him that he would have to do his own grocery shopping. A reasonable thing to someone who isn't a narcissist. To him it was a slap the face. He made my life a living He!! after that.
