ok, I got an appt with the attorney for a consult for next Thursday, June 2....apt timing, I guess. I'd sure rather spend the "mad money" on naughty undies than talking to her. but, I need to find out some stuff.
I hope this gal is good, I kinda know her/of her. the preist said she is, is thorough and thoughtful but "won't back down or be pushed around"....so, maybe that's what I need.
oh, wow, H is a grumpy gritchy growly bear this morning. I don't know what brought this on, I don't know if it's good or bad or nothing or what it's related to. He did tell me a couple of weeks ago that he's usually grumpy with me when things are not good w/ow because he's angry with her. ?????? who knows...
He was complaining about money, about the plumber we have to have this morning, about the cost, about living with finances so tight, about work, about bills. This is so out of the blue.
Last night when I got home he was ok, even talkative, cheerful, laughing, and initiated ml....now he's just spewing anger and discontent.
I just listened, did make some suggestions (big no no, I gotta get back to remembering not to do that)and he apologized for being so out of sorts, said he was just in a bad mood, couldnt he have a day in a bad mood....I smiled and said "no, never" jokingly, and hugged and kissed him.
Do they do this if they HAVE broken up with the op?
I've been thinking about what Ellie said on her thread about change....what I can change.........I don't know for sure, Ive been working on changing me, now I'm trying to think of more things I could do differently. Hard to come up with much.
I had thought of asking H this morning if we could talk sometime soon; it didnt take me long to decide this was NOT the OPTIMUM time to make a request like that.
I have a hard time containing my irritation at his ranting about finances sometimes though. Especially when I know he's paid some of ow's bill, bought her contacts...and when I was doing the taxes and going through old bank statements and checks, it became obvious that last spring he was spending 150 - 250 bucks PER WEEK at the convenience store/gas station....incredible. A couple of times it even came out to around $275.00. phone cards, I'm sure, he must have also been buying her gasoline and groceries there, is all I can figure out. sucks. really makes me po'd. our budget absorbed that for a long long time, and now I get to lesson to him piss and moan about us being broke and how "she manages to pay her bills on what she makes"............I guess I oughta hang on to those checks, I have them in a box, but not sorted out. still kinda makes me ill.
I have never mentioned this to him, it would just make him angry and defensive and more irrational. but it sure is a temptation when he throws this stuff out to me.
Is there any "knowledge" I can pick up, use, relating to H's mood swings????
in other words, I guess I'm "pondering"...is this typical???? typical in what context? that he's mourning her? that he's angry at me? both?
If he's in mourning, they must have broken up. If he's angry at me, would it be because of a breakup, or????? because he's angry that I let him down by getting upset at his sharing the other night? that he feels "trapped"? which would mean the mlc must still be raging, right?
Deb, way too much analyzing going on. Try to go about your business and let him work it out. Validate whatever he says right now. You see that suggestions don't make him very happy so keep it to yourself. I see what you mean about how many times you have been through the "it's over" thing. But you haven't given up yet, right? So unless you are going to give up, I think the only way throught this for you is to give him the benefit of the doubt.
I don't know if his behavior is typical, but I'm thinking it doesn't really matter if it is or isn't. It's what you do that matters. Keep your distance when he is grouchy. Let him come to you when he's ready. Let him see that you are safe and you aren't going to try to fix him.
i know that there is alot going on, and your emotions are being pulled in a million different directions, so if you can, breath and place some more focus on you.
you know you love him, and you want everything to work out. and even with your complete commitment, dont you still have days where you want to throw in the towel? he is human and will go through days like this too.
he was grumpy, well we all get grumpy sometimes. it doesnt mean the sky is falling. moods come and go.
let's say you had a crystal ball, and you knew 100% that he really did end it with OW and there was no chance of him going back, not only that, you knew he was completely head over heels for just you and completely happy with that, how would your actions and feelings be then?
would you treat him differently? would you act differently?
i am not suggesting that you open your soul, but maybe if you look at it this way you may have a better time acting "as if".
do you deserve as many reassurances as you feel you need, ABSOLUTLY. you deserve them, but is that really the best thing for your sitch now? maybe not. maybe by not asking for the reassurances, you can assure yourself that you are giving him the space he needs. and that is what will help you most right now.
remember, he cant make you happy, just happier. so if you are unhappy right now, anxious, nervous, terrified, then maybe you are putting too much on him and not enough on you. what did you do to find happiness when he was gone?
how can you do more of that, so his actions dont fill your whole life? how can you stop analizing everything he does and pull that focus back on you?
Hi all, I havent any time to post, thought I'd just jot a quick note. Thank you Mollie and Kellie, everything you say is so on target. I struggle so much with the fact that we've been together so long, i cant visualize my life with out him no matter how hard I try. I hope I don't have to learn to. I also keep thinking I just don't know how much more of this I can take....
anyway, H SWEARS it is over....Sunday, S left with D to spend a month, and we were both in tears... I told H it just brought home to me how much I didnt want us to be apart. not A GOOD thing to say I"m sure...Sunday morning, H walked for about 3.5 hours, which upset me. I wouldnt be surprised if somehow/somewhere the "walk" involved some contact w/ow, because while he was gone I ran an errand, and he came out of the house when I pulled in the drive way and pulled me to him...we were both kind of tearful, he suggested we should do something fun...go to the lake--the next day....
come monday, he didnt want to go, because it was cloudy, he said...however, he did ask me to walk with him, took me to his weight room and showed me an exercise he recommends (that's a first, he used to make it clear he didnt want me around there), Put together a book shelf ON HIS OWN with no asking/prompting from me (gots lots of admiration for it!) and held my hand as we watched tv in the evening--we were sitting in separate chairs, and he reached across and took my hand. and held it.
I commented that I am still struggling with my fear and anxiety, and he said "you don't need to" ....I asked him what he would do if she wants to start back up, and he didnt directly answer my question, just said, "she doesnt want to, nothings happened in 2 years and she's not interested in going any longer"....so I don't know what to think.
I pray he's telling me the truth. something still feels "different" this time, though.
Quote: I commented that I am still struggling with my fear and anxiety, and he said "you don't need to" ....I asked him what he would do if she wants to start back up, and he didnt directly answer my question, just said, "she doesnt want to, nothings happened in 2 years and she's not interested in going any longer"....so I don't know what to think
Hey Girlfriend .. you are going to drive yourself AND your H crazy if you don't stop with the all of the struggling/questioning. While I know that dropping all of this is much easier said than done .. I'm thinking that it's looking like it's your time to finally do this. .. AND I mean really do this ! You need to do this within yourself, so that you are not reflecting your fears outwardly. I'm not sure if I ever mentioned it .. but, I went on medication (antidepressent/anxiety prescription) for about one year. It truly helped me so that my anxiety was not so overwhelming .. did not get the best of me. It got to a point (at first) that all of my agonizing resulted in all kinds of health problems cropping up. Another thing that helped was positive self-talk. It's amazing how repeating positive statements constantly to yourself will actually start you thinking/believing those things!
If your S is gone for a month, won't this give you an opportunity to try different GAL techniques?
I just peeked in on the board yesterday and read through your threads as well as livnlearn's.
I got away from the board as I wasn't really finding much here to help me any more.
I have gotten a life, although it looks to be w/o H. H and OW are no longer together but his head is totally screwed up.
If you will permit me to be frank I am going to tell it like I see it.
Over the past year I have seen your story repeat itself over and over again when your H claims to be no longer w/ ow, you say something feels different, but to put it frankly it doesn't really look any different to me.
There have no been any consequences and no real boundaries that I can see.
He continues on with her, swears its over when it isn't, and you continue putting on the sexy lingerie and giving it to him real good.
Part of dbing was supposed to be monitoring what works and you running after him telling him how much you love him, how badly you want to be with him etc isn't doing it.
Is this the life you want to have?
Are you content, at peace?
If not then as painful as it is you are going to have to be the one to set up the boundaries.
Right now he is having his cake, eating it too, got two women after him, and only having to deal with the midly painful emotional erruptions from both of them.
Girlfriend where is your self respect? There is such a thing as saving your M at any cost, but do you really want your S to see that you are a weak willed wimpy doormat that tolerates long term infidelity?
Why would your H want to chose you when you have made it pretty much clear that he doesn't have to choose. That you just love him so much that you will put up with it all.
I am just saying it like I see it, I am not trying to bring you down. My M may be about over, but I have found myself, including my self respect, my personal integrity, and a whole big skill set that was lurking under the surface.
I read something somewhere that I really like and this is it:
Deb, seems like he is wanting to spend more time with you. I think this is a good thing. Either he is enjoying your company or he is trying to and I think this is good too. Just keep working on leaving things alone. Trust is hard and you don't have to achieve it overnight, but try to act as if anyway. It's great that you showed your appreciation to him for putting up the shelf. I believe men love to be appreciated. In fact, I just got Michelle's Keeping Love Alive tapes and was reminded of this today as I listened. So far the KLA is a great reminder and I recommend it.
Anyway, I keep working on appreciating and trying to make him feel he is my favorite person in the world. But leaving him alone is the best way I can do that. Letting him make choices for himself and trusting him to consider me when he makes those choices. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't.
It isn't a perfect thing by any means. I've got some boundaries I want to set too, but I haven't figured out quite how to do it yet. I still wonder if he is spending time with someone else when he doesn't come home right when I think he should. Drives me nuts! And I know it is my insecurity that makes me think that way. So I gotta keep working on that too. If I found out he was up to something I would be devastated all over again but I have to relax and believe it isn't going to happen. I've got to enjoy every minute and not worry about what might happen in the future cuz I have no control over it.
Keep working on GAL and maybe see your doc about antidepressents. I agree with Totally, they have helped me alot too.
Try not to obsess so much about him. I find myself doing it sometimes and have to really talk myself out of it. Keep working on being happy with you, it will come. PATIENCE
Nice to see you here... any chance of an update? I would really like to know what changed in you. There are some posters on this board who have found they no longer want to DB, (they don't want their Hs back ultimately), and feel that DBing may have been just akin to being a doormat in their case. Thoughts?
Deb - sorry to hijack.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
