My honest response to your post was.....WHOA Nellie!!! I feel like you're charging at him guns a-blazin. Of course I know you've also just summed up what's going on with you two.
GEL, I had to chuckle at this comment, because that is definitely what I was thinking also - it's a part of my nature that I find very difficult to suppress. I tend to fixate until I get it right.
I don't think that he would ever say, "Back off!" if I pushed too hard. I think that I would simply get silence on whatever issue I brought up and then he'd act as if nothing had happened.
I'm sure he's thinking that everything is honky-dory, and it is in the big picture sort of way. But we really haven't worked on our relationship in the "deep relationship conversation" way, so I was wondering if I should push.
To be honest, I'm glad that I don't have to push. I like how we are right now.
But on the other hand, I didn't want to come here crying six months from now, wondering what went wrong, and you all snort in disgust and ask me when that "deep relationship conversation" happened. I don't want to miss any steps.
Thanks for reassuring me that we're okay. I can relax now and enjoy us.
My H would also never just flat-out tell me to backoff...but he'd certainly clam up in a hurry and there would be that invisible barrier between us.
I have a tendancy (and I think you might too) to feel like we aren't working at things unless we are having these big meaningful conversations....I've learned, that's not so. My H HATES to discuss what I feel we need to discuss (if for no other reason that to get it out in the open)...he's not comfortable with discussing feelings, or talking about sex....at all. But he's getting better. Partly because I've mentioned to him that "the only way to stop being uncomfortable talking about these things is....to talk about them." That was as simple as the statement was...and I dropped it...we moved on to talking about something fun.
This one statement has stuck with him....he even brought it up in our counseling session last week and quoted me to our C...saying he knew I was right about that; so I know he's thinking about what I said.
For me...my best approach with my H is to try to spark conversations without a full-frontal assault so-to-speak LOL. I'll read passages in books that I find interesting or pertinent out loud to him.....and then ask his opinion on it....then I'll usually follow that up with asking if he thinks what I just said applies to me (which always ends up with me finding out whether it applies to him too.) I kind of sneak in under the radar....because he ends up talking to me more in just a casual conversational way...rather than in a big discussion. That approach might work well with your H too.
I've had to learn to back waaaaaay off of him H, and I'm finding he's slowly coming to me....he's beginning to say things out of the blue he'd never say (relationship-wise) and he's beginning to be more sexual....probably because he doesn't feel pressured
Re: GEL's I sneak it in under the radar. I agree with that and see where being direct causes someone(BB in my case) to become defensive. The casual approach is what I would like to impliment most of the time but have a difficult time making enough of a statement for effect w/o stiring up some hostile feelings. I will say those hostile emotions have decreased and more does get talked about in a more casual way. It's a sloooooow process.
GEL keep up the good work and the PMA. Eventhough you write here to one person, I am sure many people benefit from you written thoughts.
ME1967, I see you making progress 10 times faster than many people here on the SSM forum. Congratulations and don't worry if some things take longer than other things. It is so nice to see you are working with your willing partner.
Just wanted to let you all know that things here are going well in the relationship department.
I am having surgery tomorrow. I had a thyroidectomy about 13 years ago. About a year ago, a lump appeared on the left side of my neck. Doctor's thought it was thyroid cancer as I have a bit of thyroid left (but radiated, so not working). Turns out that the doctor used silk stitches to sew me up. Don't know why it took 12 years for my body to start reacting, but this is my third surgery to get rid of them. Hopefully it will be the last. The chronic infection is rather painful.
