One day at a time...baby steps!

[2much]

Just thought I better check in before we leave on our trip.

H and I are going to CA to visit some friends for 4 days!! I am so excited and I think it will be good time. This is first time we have gone anywhere on long trip together in long, long time.

Yesterday was in "anxiety" mode. I think the cause was H sister and family were here and it started me thinking about how things would be if H and I were D. I get along with his BIL so well!! And the twin boys they have just love me. Plus his sister asked H if he was ready to have a little one now...and he said "no". I realize how I react when people ask me..just because I am so unsure of us, probaly same way H is feeling right now. So, I was having a "sad" day...I feel better today though.

Time to list some positives:
1. H brought me some chocolate yesterday when they all went shopping, but I had to stay and work.
2. H cooked supper for everyone last nite.
3. H and I discussed what things to take on trip and how to pack lightly.
4. H asked me if there was anything I needed him to do this morning before we leave.
5. H marked 2 people on his class reunion sheet, to let them know how many people will be attending!!

Things Im struggling with:
1. Wondering if H will ever want kids with me
2. Wondering if H is here to stay, or just holding on til something better comes along.
3. Wondering if I will ever get any type of affection from H that I so much want.

So, just going to go away this weekend, have a GREAT time and enjoy myself. I am so excited...plus its gonna be interesting to see how H reacts to me knowing people because I was there last year. Hmmmm...

Will catch up with you all when I get back on Tuesday!!

[2much]

Well, we had a GREAT trip! It was so nice seeing H catch up with his old buddy. That was probably the most they have talked since his buddy moved to CA to join Marines about 10 years ago! I had some rough times, just thinking back to where we were the last time I was out there visiting them and H was with OW. Boy, we sure have come a long way. The hardest thing for me though, was seeing how our friends interacted..all the hugging, kisses, and ILY...was hard to take in. I longed for that from my H so much!!

I struggled a lot with wondering if H is really trying here and if we will ever get to a point to where I am satisfied with our M. Wondering if I am going to end up becoming the WAS this time. But then, I checked my email and found this:

Today's thought is:

There are important steps I need to take if I want new relationships to last.

I need to allow a new relationship to grow in a healthy way by giving it the time it needs. When I go too fast in a relationship, necessary stages are overlooked, and I might find myself in a relationship destined to fail. When trees are planted and their roots aren't given enough time to grow deeply into the soil, they're sure to fall during a storm. When the roots are given time to grow slowly, strongly, and deeply, they will most likely weather any storm.

Relationships can be similar, because when they're taken too quickly, they're likely to fail at the first sign of difficulty. But if given the time to grow, they will withstand the winds of turmoil and crisis. If I meet someone I want to be with, I can care for our relationship by not going too fast. I will remind myself that a tree needs tender care and nurturing to grow and flourish, not fertilizers and chemicals that force it to grow faster.

Today I will take care of my new relationship by understanding what it takes to make it strong and lasting.



WEll, I guess that was my answer. When a R goes slower, it grows so much better. We are now starting our NEW M, and while doing that are building a better friendship than we ever had before. I just need to keep listing the positives, so that I keep seeing how our M is moving forward, ever so slowly, but it is moving forward.

So positives from past couple days:
1. H was very considerate of my feelings the whole weekend.
2. I called H "honey" a couple times and he seemed ok with it.
3. Last nite I just crawled up into H arms while laying in bed and he was ok with it.
4. I told H he could play with my hair, and after a while, he did. (he likes to do this and used to do it WAY back in beginning of our R, but I would get mad and tell him to stop.)
5. H allowed me to lay my head on his shoulder when on the plane.
6. We had some good conversations over the past couple days...

Things I need to work on:
1. Stop focusing so much on what I am not getting, but rather what things H IS doing for me!
2. Maybe try to initiate a little more affection..not too much, but little bits at a time..if I feel H withdraw, then slow back down.
3. Learn to relax a bit and not allow the negative thoughts or doubts enter my mind. H can probably "feel" when I am having those times....

[still_hopeful]

Hey, I noted there are some DB's from CO, and saw you are from Longmont, where I am moving back (my home town). Didn't want to post on the CO DBer post in case my H may figure out who I am. Anyway, I noted it looks like some of you CO DBers get together sometimes and I would like to find out about this. If you could maybe send me a private email...just trying to stay anonymous from H and don't want to provide clues. Anyway, if not, that's ok too. Hope the DBing is going well for you.

[2much]

You can email me at [e-mail] if you want!!

[2much]

I was reading thru some of Sage's post (hope you dont mind Sage..I borrowed this from your post) and came across this wonderful revelation:

The last few days have been an eye opener for me (couldn't someone just slip me a note or send me an email with these messages instead of bonking me over the head with them?)...informing me that I am NOT the only one in my M who yearns to heal, who is afraid of loss, who wonders if the other truly loves or chooses "me", who needs to hear "you are doing a good job", who regrets the mistakes and wonders how to forgive "myself", who pushes away in order to reach out sometimes, who feels spent, who seeks pain relief, who is confused, who wants but fears the wanting.

We both want to be loved and to love and we worry about our ability to do that

There are times when I think about that...maybe H is afraid too...and also wonders why I am taking him back and why I forgive him?? Well, then its just something we are both working on together then, right?

I withdraw, I get anxious, I hold out on "putting myself out there", I get afraid to give too much just yet for fear of getting hurt...and its only reasonable that H would feel the same exact way, right?


Last night was a positive for us...I messed up on some bills, by accident, because I am always multi-tasking. Well, I spent 45 min yesterday afternoon getting it all figured out and did get it all figured out with no problems or anything.

It was actually all quite hilarious, sooooo, I decided to tell H. (There was no way I would have told him otherwise)Well, he did NOT think it was hilarious at all.

He gets very concerned about finances and credit reports and stuff..which is a good thing,but...WOW!! He just started going off about how I could have had a late payment, been bad for our credit report, etc. I just listened, even though I was fuming mad (he made me feel like a child).

When he was done, I said, I understand how you feel, but it all turned out ok, nothing was hurt..god was looking out for me. Then I just sat there quiet. I didnt think it was worth an arguement...and eventually H said...Im sorry, I didnt mean to lecture you...WOW!! That was so nice. Would have never happened before.

He seems to be a lot more considerate of my feelings lately and its so nice. Not that he never was before...but while the EA was going on and he was trying to be considerate..sure didnt have the same affect..

Things are good, I just have to realize we are BOTH trying to work out the bugs in this M.

[Fighting4Wife]

Such good news 2 Much. I am glad. I love Sage's Quote. It fits so many of us!

[2much]

My horoscope for today:

Imagine trying to stay in a theatre after the show is over because you are so keen to know more about the characters and their stories. Or planning a half-time departure from a game because you think you know the final score. There are times when we have to accept that something has run its course. There are times too, when if we stick with a situation, it takes an unexpected turn for the better. Which is it for you now? You'll soon know. Whatever it is, it won't be a problem. You'll be amazed by what's about to become possible.

Wow...so true...when I try to push things or when I try to look forward to the future, thats when I get anxious and afraid. I need to stay focused on the here and now. Its kind of like an "I want, I want" when I look towards the future instead of looking at "Im getting, Im getting" right now.

Yesterday there were times when H seemed a little distant, which of course made me start thinking...H b-day is Sat and last year on his b-day was first weekend H spent with OW, but with bunch of other people. Ugh! Just got pit in my stomach even saying it!! So all day I was wondering if his mood was due to him thinking about that also. Then later on at night, he sat across the room from me instead of sitting on couch with me....again, made me little anxious. Of course it was all me, because I dont really think he was thinking of her. He was busy with work yesterday and has a lot on his mind. But still..I let my stupid self take me to a place I try so hard to forget.

Positives:
1. H cleaned up after supper.
2. H joked around with me in bed.
3. H asked about my workout routine.
4. H let me rub his arm in bed and he had his hand on my leg.
5. H made plans with me to go out to eat on Sat night, then friends called to ask him to go golfing. He then said that maybe after gofling they could go out to eat with us. Which was fine with me..usually he would have changed plans with me and gone out with them alone. (Little does he know the golfing is a plan to get him out of the house because I have surprise b-day party planned for him!)

[Fighting4Wife]

AWESOME for you. Such a caring loving gesture. No Expectations from you. Just a true giving! Brilliant! Good luck with it. Who knows, might warm the fires a little for him! Fingers crossed for you!

[2much]

Yesterday was a very good day for H and I. Actually one of the best we have had in while! He is starting to open up to me so much more..just by talking to me about what is going on in his life..its such a great feeling.

Our softball games were cancelled last night, so we decided to go out to eat. We went out and had nice meal and then came home and watched a movie. H let me cuddle up with him on the couch and even after the movie, he kept coming back to the couch with me to cuddle. We went and got ready for bed and then "I jumped him" hee hee . Something I dont do very often, and he was very surprised. After we watched some TV and cuddled some more I was so tired, I decided to go to sleep.

I thought that we had had such a great day I was going to try and kiss him on the lips goodnight. Well, I leaned over and its almost like he knew..he raised his head up so that I had to kiss him on the cheek. I said good night and thanks for the great night and rolled over and had tears in my eyes. I just dont get it????? Is it me?? Why does he do that???

He kisses me intimately when we are ML, but not a simple kiss goodnight? To me a kiss while ML is a lot more intimate than a kiss goodnight. Is he afraid that if he lets me kiss him once, I will want it all the time. I wont..sh@@ I would give anything just for him to let me kiss him once!!!!

Anyways, so I had to have all the positives go through my head before I could go to sleep...and I did eventually fall alseep.

H got up in middle of night and got sick..we think it might have been something he ate...I got up and made sure he was ok...brought his pillow out to couch for him, got him couple blankets and a heater, made sure he was settled and went back to sleep.

I give and give and give and want one simple little kiss goodnight and he cant give me that?

I keep wracking my brain trying to figure out why? Why cant he kiss me or hug me or even touch my body any other time other than when we are ML? What makes is so hard are the words he said a couple months ago. He said " I want to WANT to hug and kiss my wife hello and goodbye, but I just dont feel that for you". Maybe that is why it makes me so sad and I keep focusing on it so much. I just dont know...but I do know there will come a time when I will need those things and I am afraid what might happen if he cannot or will not be able to give them to me...


Oh, I almost forgot..this is a big one too!! On our way to go out to eat, I mentioned to H that friend and I were going to try and go golfing at a small golf course near town, since I am still new to golfing. I told him I want to get in some practice before going out with him since hes such a good golfer. H then said that he didnt sign me up to do the golfing part at his reunion because he didnt think I would have wanted to go. I said, thats ok, you can go ahead and I can meet you up afterwards. WOW!!! For him to actually think of me golfing with him and his friends!! You have NO IDEA how big this is!! It sure did set the stage for the rest of the night I think...I felt so happy, it was easy to be happy!!

[KeepTheFaith]

good job on the golf sitch! I will delve more into your sitch later. My eyes hurt right now from reading so much! lol. I had to "find you" took awhile but i did. also I design website sites if you would like to have one designed for your day care center? i'm very reasonable. So just let me know!

as far as H being nonresponsive to intimacy? Don't force it. Just do things to 180 yourself completely. New hairstyle. New outfits. etc etc. Show him how sexy you are and make him BE ATTRACTED TO YOU LIKE A MAGNET SO THAT HE CAN'T RESIST YOU!