So see sitch above for what Mother's Day means to me...plus this is the first without my mom since she died in June...and I majorly screwed up in DB terms with H today...but maybe not, since he's confirmed he's moving out and divocring me and I'm trying to go dark...but anyway, this morning before he left for church H told me he knew what a tough day it was for me because of my mom...told me that it was all his fault I'd never had children because he didn't work hard enough to make it happen, that maybe if he'd worked with me harder in that area maybe he would have worked harder in other parts of our marriage, that he thought of me as having the spirit of a mother with all the sacrifices he'd seen me make over the past few weeks, that he though that anyone who'd carried a child for even a short time was a mother...I just listened to him through my tears. When he said it was his fault we'd never had children, I told he'd done the right thing because, after all, like he'd said a few days ago, children of divorce have such a hard time of it (he'd said a few days ago that was why he'd sat me down over a year ago and told me that I didn't have to go through all I was doing to have a child just for him, that I didn't have to put myself through all that just to please him. When he told me the real reason he said that he couldn't seem to understand how hurtful that was to me that that was what he was thinking - "and anyway, I'm leaving you" - but those were NOT anywhere near the words that came out of his mouth). Later when he came back from church he offered to take me out to eat for Mother's Day and I said no and left. Somehow I just couldn't do it. He's out of my life in a few weeks anyway - I have to get used to not having him to comfort me. Still a few twinges in the back of my thoughts about him going to spend the day celebrating with OW and her kids since I rebuffed him. I feel bad about that - I feel like I really actively pushed him away when he was trying to be kind - but it HURT too much. Another thing he told me the other day was that one of the things that kept him from leaving was that he kept dreaming and seeing in his mind our daughter - the little girl we would have someday. Nothing he EVER said to me!!! No, what he said to me was you don't have to try so hard to have kids - words of concern for me out of his mouth while his plans to leave are in his mind. He really IS as confused as me, huh?
Anyway - thanks for listening. This was not a good day.
