Quote: He notes that biologically men are programmed with the fight or flight response while women developed with the ability to self soothe.
Boy, have I witnessed this in spades. I get over conflict SO much more quickly than S. does - he carries it with him for days, weeks... he's always told me he was a "slow boat to turn around," but I never really paid attention until I read Gottman's book.
NG sounds like he sallies up just like most other men with genes.
An aside... is there anything else you could show interest in, rather than cars? It seems contrived to me.
Good luck concocting a surprise. I just bought theater tix (the RSC doing Euripides' Hecuba) for S. and me as a surprise date for tomorrow night - or do you mean a getaway?
You're not the only one who seems to take awhile to "get" stuff. Pen's succinct yet extremely wise post still has me reeling. In fact, I shared it with my priest tonight and he agreed that many people live by this logic.
Sigh. What I find disconcerting is that there seems to be no ceiling on pain levels. Why is that? Just when I think I've reached the pain pinnacle, there is more to be felt. I'm planning on taking this up with the "it's not fair committee".
Anyway, you're looking for surprises? What kind of surprises? Detachment surprises or more loving engagement types?
Since the title of your thread says it all, let's see what flavor of surprise you're contemplating?
Hugs!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Slowly, I was thinking you could surprise him with a virtual 180. For instance, if he values spontaneity and you are more of a planning person, do something spontaneous -- maybe something you did more of when you first met? Biking, hiking, sailing, ML?
Or a scotch tasting? Wine tasting? Buy surfboards? Roller-blade? Skateboard? Take a ride on a train? Have a picnic?
Think about what a surprise might be and spring it, kiddo!
Yes, I too can see more clearly now why NG sulks for so long. Unfortunately I used to react with injured pride and go off to my own cave, consequently any spats used to go into cold war for days Now I just tease him out of it, takes a few hours and a real effort on my part, but it makes for more harmony. I'm also begining to see just how much of a child he can be sometimes, and maybe just a tad selfish?
Today I'm feeling a little out of it, he 'blamed' me for a late filing that he really took responsibility for, and says my 'attitude' is all wrong - meaning I did not remind him, AFTER he told me a few months ago that he can take care of things. Seems like a no win for me, but for now I think I'll just suck up and see how far this goes.
Hi Bets - Pen has a very effective way of getting her message across, no? To be honest, right now, I'm in no mood to be generous - so the surprise is off my list for a while. I've gotten our home back to some form of harmony, but I'm also begining to think I've lost the art of setting boundaries a bit. He gets away with being unreasonable, and it is not sitting well with me. I'm not quite sure what to do, so for now I'll just cogitate for a while.
Hope your weekend is turning out better. 'Tis been a bit of a farce over here.
Haven't talked to you for a while. I can undersatnd the "slipping" thing. I too am having that issue right now and just spent some time going back through old threads for a refresher course...
This is really learning a lot of new behaviors that don't come naturally to us, so I keep reminding myself that I have to continue to institute the changes daily.
Maybe going back through some threads you've found to be helpful could help you too...
Anyway, have a great weekend. Come see me at my current thread "Wife went to Dude Ranch".
Have a Happy Fahter's Day!
Do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Board=UBB24&Number=896649&fpart=&PHPSESSID=
Good Sunday Morning Slowly, I'm kind of a browser, looking for similarities with my WAH. I have one question that I hope you can clarify... when you say NG, I'm assuming that's New Guy. Does this signify a new guy, not your husband, or is NG your husband reincarnated... (on his way back)? Like many of us, I'm hoping for a new version of the old husband. (to go with the new version of me) There'd be no hope for the old couple.. him or me. Thanks for letting me interupt. And please keep posting. I'm sure I'm not the only 'browser' using your experiences to help with our own struggle.
Slowly's abbreviation NG stands for Nice Guy, aka her H.
It's easier than spelling it out here online.
Betsey
p.s. Slowly? It's absolutely A-OK to put the idea aside to deal with your own thoughts and feelings. I award you a blue ribbon for being honest and taking care of yourself. You rock!
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
First of all, Slowly ... thanks for your recent mention wondering about me ... four months! ... it even seems strange to look upon the posting screen.
CAW & I are doing OK ... yea, just OK. If fact, I feel closer to relating with your struggles then anytime prior ... especially about keeping harmony. One of the main reasons for my disappearance from the bb was the hopes of feeling some "normalcy" again to living the "married" life (the ole' act as if) rather than the past four years of feeling each day is a struggle just to regain what I had lost so long ago.
Quote:
Yes, I too can see more clearly now why NG sulks for so long. Unfortunately I used to react with injured pride and go off to my own cave, consequently any spats used to go into cold war for days Now I just tease him out of it, takes a few hours and a real effort on my part, but it makes for more harmony. I'm also beginning to see just how much of a child he can be sometimes, and maybe just a tad selfish?
WOW, this has been where I've been at for the past THREE months ... and frankly, I've been struggling myself not to take it personally and end up falling into my old patterns. I've even caught myself doing so a couple of times ... slammed on the brakes and throw it back in reverse (that's right ... back to the ole' 180's just to allow me from getting trapped in that old mold again). For the most part, its been working ... even continue to find a 180 now & again that still catches CAW offguard too, usually with a positive impact.)
... but to my grave disappointment the harmony is just lacking the emotion behind it to make it sound like a beautiful piece of music. Ooops ... this is your thread not mine! Wonder how much dust I'll have to dig thru to uncover it? ... not really there yet, but anyway ...
Quote:
Today I'm feeling a little out of it, he 'blamed' me for a late filing that he really took responsibility for, and says my 'attitude' is all wrong - meaning I did not remind him, AFTER he told me a few months ago that he can take care of things. Seems like a no win for me, but for now I think I'll just suck up and see how far this goes.
Slowly, in my usual sports couch coaching style , my suggestion for the win is...
Validate that is how he's reads your attitude, but express confidently that your attitude about the whole thing is you have complete certainty in his ability to take on what is important, so thereby you fear that any action of your part would be preceived as meddling and that's not what you want!
Pretty wordy, but it could be stated simply like ... "Sorry you see me in that light, but my attitude is that I have complete confidence in your ability to take of something that seem so important to you. So I feared that any action of my part to remind you would be perceived as being a ________ ( fill in the blank with your favorite term for nag or worse. ). Is that the wrong attitude to have?"
... and the key is to say it in a tone that is not confrontational, but to show him how you are trying to build on the respect you have for him. Something that I feel he needs to know, but I'll leave that to get into for another time...
Betsey 
Now I just tease him out of it, takes a few hours and a real effort on my part, but it makes for more harmony. I'm also begining to see just how much of a child he can be sometimes, and maybe just a tad selfish? 
... not really there yet, but anyway ...
, my suggestion for the win is...