Hi everyone. Thought that i might try posting here. I have been mostly in MLC since i started. Here are my stiches. I'm sorry but i don,t know how to link them.
He Just Left Not Sure Suggestions Anyone Having Hope Still Having Hope Still Having Hope 2
H has been gone since first part of Nov,2004. We have been married 20Yrs and together 22. We have 2 kids, D 19, S 18.I have 2 older kids which H has always treated as his. The younger 2, both still live at home. He dropped the ILYINILWY about 2 1/2 yrs ago and has been in MLC before that and since. He moved in with OW the day that he left and has been with her since. She is an old girlfriend from when we were first dating.
Well i hope that i have covered most of it to start with. H has told me that he will be coming back home in a few more weeks. He is living in a house that some friends rented to him rent free for fixing up the place. He has done most of the work, but there are still some things that he needs to do before he can leave. He told me this about 8 weeks ago, and at that time he said it would be 4 to 6 weeks.He did start doing a few things back then, but when he said it again about 2 weeks ago, he really started to fix things up there. He also asked our S to help him move his things back when he was ready so i know that this is really coming.
Things have been getting worse and worse between OW and him. He tells me a lot of what is going on over there and he is seeing that it is not what he thought it would be and she is not what he thought she was. So time will tell.
I usually have many phone calls with him everyday and i usually get to see him for lunch. It seems that since he told me that he was coming back, i have seem less of him than before. It might just be his job and where they have been having him work at which hasn't been close to the house.
I am worried that i will have a hard time knowing what to do when he gets here, as I know that he will still be in MLC when he does come home. He has not said that he is coming home for the marriage, just that he is coming home and this is where he wants to be. I try and not ask questions or put any pressure on him, just the "as if" attitude. I want to ask him so many things as we all would like to do.
It seems that it is taking so much time for this to happen.Sometimes i question weither he really will but then i think that he would not have told son that if he wasn't going to soon.
When i first started here, i saw some of you over in MLC. I hope that things are going good for all of you.Please stop by to chat when you can. I don't feel that i can give much advice as i am new, but i sure can give moral support!
I know that we can not make them go any faster, but am i doing something to make him think that he can just go on with things as they are? I probly already know the answer to this, but have a hard time getting things thru my head at times.
Sometimes i want to tell him not to call or come by until he is ready to leave from over there, but i do know this is not right either.Ok guys, help me get thru this before i open my mouth and say something that i will regret. Thanks, Sonni
Welcome! How great that h is coming home! I'm sure it's hard not to focus on the "whys" of his wanting to return but cheeseless tunnel at this point, no?
I need to catch up a bit more on your sitch before offering up too much advice...keep doing what you're doing to draw him closer and remember that DB "rules" apply in full force during piecing, too! It's a tough but worth it phase!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Sage, thanks so much for stopping by with everything that you have going on in your life! I really appreciate it. I know that you and your H will both be really ready for some quite time.
Well H never called again last night. I hate it when he tells me that he will call later and then never does. If he would not tell me that he was, it wouldn't bother me that he didn't. I guess i want him to act normal? and when he doesn't my feathers get ruffled some. Don't know if and exactly what to say to H about this. I usually act "as if" about this, but some times!!!
He called a little after he usually does this morning and was in a good mood even with the rain. He said that he was going to try and work but if it kept raining that he wasn't going to be able to, what was i doing later? I told him that i was cleaning, why did he want to know? He said that he would come by and take me for a ride in the tk so i could see how it rode and looked with the new tires on it. I told him that sounded great.
He is like a teen boy with this tk even though we have had it for a couple of years. He is fixing it up like a toy thing and is very proud of what ever he does to it. He came by about 11:30am and spent the whole day with me. He did take me for a ride and i told him how nice the tk was. He didn't seem in any hurry to go and his cell rang a few times and he would look at it and say to himself nop, nop and not answer it. I know that it had to have been her at least once or twice. Neither one of us said anything about him coming back. He did say something about if he had a place to work, he would be building S a box for his speakers today. It was just a nice quite day. He didn't even have the foggy eyes today. He stayed until almost 7, and i know that she must have been home when he got there. He didn't call after he left like he usually does, but i didn't worry about it because i was so happy that he had spent that much time with me.
There is so much i want to let him know but i know, do not say anything! Hope that everyone is having a good evening, Sonni
Hello, I am just stopping by and visiting you on this forum. I am not quite ready to make the jump myself but I hope too some day. You are really doing quite well. I will say again to keep going on with your life. Your h will come to you when he is ready. Take it slow. I know it can't get any slower. The slower the better the rewards will be. Pray for patience. I will add my prayers as well. I will visit you often.
Evening! Just thought that i would journal a little tonight. I turned off my phone last night when i went to bed. Usually i leave it on, but everyonce in a while i like to turn it off incase they want to update something.(cell phone) When i woke up this morning, i didn't turn it on right away. I went and walked the dogs and fed the horses then came in and turned it on.Even before it could power all the way, H was 2waying me. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!! i have been calling for a long time this morning!(Now i do have a house phone and he never called it) I said well i turned it off last night when i went to bed and forgot i had. I just turned it on and there you were. I was cheerful as i said this and was laughing. H didn't think it was funny. He said well its you phone!! Hem, got him wondering didn't it? Not what iusually do.
He was in a crabby mood all day. Didn't call much like he usually does. I had to go to town to do a few things and i called him to see if he wanted some lunch while i was there. He said no, that he didn't want to take the time out to eat. I said ok, in a chepper tone and told him i would talk to him later. He was silent for a minute and them he said that he would take a coffee and a candy bar. I said ok, where are you working today? He told me and i went there. He was upset because one of the bosses had asked him what had happened to him yesterday, that the work wasn't done. He got mad and told him that he wasn't working in the rain for anyone and get sick. The boss said but you were under a roof on a porch and H told him yea with the tools in the van and the wind blowing the rain under the porch and the materials in the back in the garage where i have to walk in the rain to get to either place! His boss just said oh, and walked away. So i now know what is bothering him. I didn't stay long, and he did call a few times the rest of the day.
The last call he was coming from his best friends house that he has reconnected with. He was in a really good mood and was laughing and carrying on. He asked me about me mowing and i told him that i had tried but the belt kept coming off. That i guessed that i would have to go and get one in the morning. He was talking and then he said that he had to work for a couple of hours in the morning. I guess i wasn't thinking who i was talking to and asked him if he could pick up the belt for me. Then i would not have to go so far as he would be working closer to me and the shop to get the belt was close to him. Change of attitude. He finally said that he guessed that he could, but i could since that he really didn't want to. So i told him not to worry about it, i would go and get it. By then he was not happy anymore but would not let me just go get it. I sure didn't want to ruin his mood. I didn't know that it would. I am always going out of my way to do things for him, so what is the big deal? Some days i give up. Well i'll go for now, take care everyone, Sonni
Quote: ... I guess i wasn't thinking who i was talking to and asked him if he could pick up the belt for me... He finally said that he guessed that he could, but i could since that he really didn't want to. So i told him not to worry about it, i would go and get it. By then he was not happy anymore but would not let me just go get it. I sure didn't want to ruin his mood. I didn't know that it would. I am always going out of my way to do things for him, so what is the big deal?
Something similar happened the other day between my H and me. I agreed to do something for H the day before then I changed my mind when it came time to do it. My day turned out to be extremely busy, so I asked H if I could handle the favor he asked of me differently. H didn't like that and became very upset.
So....you asked H to get the belt for you...he finally agreed...but then YOU changed your mind after H AGREED to do what YOU asked for.
He may have seemed like he didn't want to do it, but he DID agree.
Here's some advice that was given to me by Sage (she is wonderful)-- if you agree OR get H to agree to something, stick to it!
And next time if H seems like he's bothered about it, just be sure to be pleasant and say something like, "Thank you. I really appreciate it," or "Thanks! You're really helping me out!"
JV
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
JV, thanks for stopping by. I really appreciate it. Well H called first thing this morning and asked me to call the shop and see if they had the belt in stock. So that is what i did. They did have it so i had them put it on the counter for him to pick up.
I called H back and told him that they had it and it was ready for him to pick up. He said ok that he would go in an hour or so to get it. I thanked him again and told him how nice it was for him to do that for me. He said no problem.
He seemed like he was in a normal mood and we were talking and i asked him if he had gotten any scrape lumber from the job sites yet to build his pole barn here. He said not yet, but he thought that he might have a couple of left over 4x4s on this one job. He would see. Then he asked why i was asking. I was truthful with him and said just wondering if you are still coming back. There was an instant reply of YES! He was tired of being alone? and missing me.As soon as he could get the rest of the things done there, he would be back. Well we kept talking and i told him that i was sorry for whatever part i had to do with things going wrong and that it was no ones total fault. He said that he knew this and that he had just shut down and got to the point where he didn't care about anything anymore instead of saying something and trying to fix it. His main thing is money or lack of it. This has always been an issue with him.So we talked somemore about money issues and things we could to together to straighten them out. I told him once again that i would like for him to take care of all the bills when he did get here. He agreed to that again.So i hope that problem will be handled ok.
He got off the phone and went and got the belt. He called from there and said instead of me meeting him somewhere to get it from him, he would just come by and put it on the mower. I told him that was really nice of him and i really appreciated it. That really made me happy. So he was at the house in no time. He ate some muffins and had some tea and layed down on the couch and went right to sleep! When he did wake up, he fixed a problem with the dryer and then went out and put the new belt on the mower and started mowing!He mowed for a little while then we went back in the house and watched tv. He just left a little while ago. So another nice day. I wish this wasn't taking so long. His eyes were even clear today. Guess i'll get off of here and go mow the grass. JV thanks once again. I had read that in your stich the other day but had forgotten it until you said that. I'm like you, i'll have to remember to not be wishie washie with him! Thanks, Sonni
Evening, hope that everyone is doing ok. I have a few questions that i was hoping that someone could help me with. My H keeps saying that he is coming back home in just a few more weeks(i have been told this now twice and that it would be within 4 to 6 weeks). First-why the time frame and when it gets here has he forgotten that he told me this so he says it again? Second- how can he leave there if he is still afraid to make OW mad? Third- he told S and D that he was coming back. How is he going to justify it to them when the time is up? Fourth- Would it help any for me to tell him that if he isn't coming back, to just let me know or should i just not say anything? My gut feeling tells me that i need to be more, i'm not sure of the wording but firm in reminding him of what he said about coming home.
He says that he wants to and doesn't want to be there, but they why isn't he making more progress in moving this way or am i just not seeing what is happening? If anyone can help me figure this out, I sure would appreciate it. Thanks, Sonni
Quote: First-why the time frame and when it gets here has he forgotten that he told me this so he says it again?
IMO, I would forget all about the time frame. Yes, your H has "set" it but hasn't stuck to it, so I would just let it go if I were you. If you hold onto it, you're just creating expectations from H, and when those expectations aren't met, you're crushed, devastated, frustrated, etc....I think it's best to let it go. You can hope for the best, but you should also expect the worst.
In my sitch, my H wanted to try to work on the M for only 1 month.....then 2 months......now it's 3 1/2 months later.....So, again, don't worry about it.
Quote: Second- how can he leave there if he is still afraid to make OW mad?
Should you really care how OW feels ? Sorry -- I just don't think you should be concerned about this. H will leave when HE'S ready, and he will most likely be ready when YOU appear to be the better choice -- how's your PMA? Have you been GAL?
Oh, and have you been PRESSURING H about his decision to return home (asking about it, appearing to be "waiting" for him, etc)? If you have, this could possibly be why he hasn't come home yet. I'm not saying it is -- I'm just saying it's possible.
Quote: Third- he told S and D that he was coming back. How is he going to justify it to them when the time is up?
I don't know about this one. That is something your H will have to deal with if and when the time comes. How he does it will be up to him. Just be there for your kids and you.
Quote: Fourth- Would it help any for me to tell him that if he isn't coming back, to just let me know or should i just not say anything? My gut feeling tells me that i need to be more, i'm not sure of the wording but firm in reminding him of what he said about coming home.
I would have to firmly say NO. This could be seen as PRESSURE into making H make a decision he may not be ready for. And what do we know about pressure? It's not good, and it certainly won't get you any closer to your goals, right?
Quote: He says that he wants to and doesn't want to be there, but they why isn't he making more progress in moving this way or am i just not seeing what is happening?
I think when we have expectations, we want to see results, we want to see progress, and we want to see them fast.
Your H said he's coming home, and that could be some progress, but because he has said so, I think you're getting too anxious about it.
Step back a bit, Sonni. You might be coming off to H as pressuring, over-anxious, overly eager, etc. He might be backing off a bit, too, because of it.
I'm sorry if you're taking any of this the wrong way. I just know from my sitch that when I had expectations from H, they weren't met when I wanted them to be, and because of that, I've been hurt too many times.
Again, you can hope; just don't expect.
TIME and PATIENCE -- they are you're best friends in all of this!
JV
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
Hi JV, thanks for the reply. I needed it. I try to let it go about the time frame but it is really hard. It seems that when i get anywhere close, that H says something about it and here i go again!
What i ment about OW getting mad is, how in the --- is he going to leave there to come back when it seems that he (just a feeling) is afraid of how she is going to react to what he does.For instance, H has always loved to ride horses. He use to be able to do this all day long and want more. Now he is afraid to go as SHE will get mad! What the xxx! No, i have not been pressuring him about coming home, but yes i can see that he is probly seeing me as waiting for him to come home. When i do things that show that i am GAL, then he seems to get annoyed that he can't find me or i don't answer the phone and i get the 3rd degree from him about where i was and what i was doing.
Yep, i'm with you about the kids. I don't want them to feel that here he goes again with another broken word, but this is something for him to deal with.
Ok, no questions about him coming back. I have always been this way in out M. I let things go and let people walk over me and just take it so that is why i was wondering about being more absertive about what i want. I guess the time is not right yet.
Again i can see what you mean about feeling like pressure.No, i am not taking any of what you said in the wrong way. I am so glad that you took the time to try and help. Since i came over here, i haven't had many visitors. In fact i had thought about going back to MLC again. I feel stuck in between. Don't know if i belong here or there or where.
Thanks once again for the help and visit,Jv. Please come again. Anyone else have any more suggestions? Sonni
? Sorry -- I just don't think you should be concerned about this. H will leave when HE'S ready, and he will most likely be ready when YOU appear to be the better choice -- how's your PMA? Have you been GAL?