Honey's thread

[KEBall]

HP--

Have you been able to figure out why you still chose porn, even when you knew you were hurting your wife by rejecting her?

It was an unconscious decision. I know that seems hard to take but it was like when a shark feeds and the membrane goes up over it's eyes to protect them. My brain would do that sort of thing...put up this membrane of sorts...then, when it was over...the membrane was gone...the act was locked-up nicely and neatly in it's own little brain-compartment and filed away. I always thought it was outside of myself...and in a way it was...but in reality, it was killing me. My guilt and the shame were causing my insomnia, depression, etc. BUT, I didn't think I could help it. It was my way of acting out my aggression against those who abused me...I abused others (even if they were just air-brushed models on the computer). I "used" those people for nothing but my own self-gratification.

The thing I realized too is that before my W, I never had a true steady relationship. A few months at a time was all most ever lasted...and in those, as soon as we started having S, I started to get mean (not physically, just mentally) and would play games. I just thought that's what guys do. NOW, I realize that it was another form of acting out--I did to others what was done to me at 4, 5 and 7 years-old. I always left the relationship on bad terms...but they were MY terms.

So, back to my W and I, we abstained until we were married...but we messed around...and it was fun. But, when it came to my wedding night, I had panic attack realizing that we were going to have S...and I couldn't. Though I couldn't verbalize it then, now, I know that it was because I was afraid that I would want to use her and hurt her (again...only mentally) like I did all the others. AGAIN, I didn't realize what I was doing...I just wasn't able to "do it" on my wedding night. So, I was embarrassed and didn't try again for a few nights...and then it worked! It was AWESOME! It was GREAT! BUt, the next morning, I felt the need to be mean. I think I was actually rude about her first attempt at breakfast or something. It scared me that I was going to start hurting her like the others. So, unconsciously, I avoided S. I didn't want to use her and treat her badly because I loved her...which takes us all the way back to that pedestal thing we used to talk about HP.

Why did I continue to use porn/MB even though I knew it hurt her. I can now cognizantly say it's because I always though I would hurt her more with S...because that's what S was...tool for hurting and using others. In my mind, I created all kinds of reasoning (and some had basis in fact) why I couldn't ML. I could write a book here...so, I'll stop. Suffice it to say, in my case, my brain told me that I was capable of hurting her WAY more with S than just avoiding it...because I didn't understand the devastation to her psyche that rejecting her caused. I thought I was doing her a favor...saving her. Could that be the same thing your H is thinking? Just wondering?

Sorry for the novel. Just wanted to explain thoroughly. Sorry about the sick kiddoe...and the teething too! No fun for you!! I hope your H gives you a nice bubble-bath break when he gets home! BTW--how are things with you medically? I haven't been following the thread too closely...so, I never heard (read) much after your procedure.

TAke care.
K

[Paul92]

What I was NOT counting on was that he would want to settle back into his preferred frequency of every 3 days. I erroneously thought that we had discussed this enough (approx til the cows came home) and that he realized that though this frequency will satisfy him, it leaves me frustrated.

I have this EXACT same problem with my wife. Just substitute the word "days" with "months".....

- Paul

[MJontheMend]

It sounds to me like a variation on Madonna/Whore syndrome. Sex is bad, so only bad women let themselves be used for sex, so if your W lets you use her for sex then she is a bad woman who deserves to be treated badly. By seeking out sex she degrades herself in your eyes and since you would rather love her than f*ck her you tried to keep her from doing this.

It's too bad that you didn't feel like you could talk to your W about some of your aggressive fantasies. Acting them out in the context of a loving sexual relationship might have helped you get past them. Many/most people, not just those who were abused, have a dark side to their sexuality. I've read that most male masturbatory fantasies are much more aggressive than their real life behavior. When my H and I engaged in a lot of phone sex last summer, this became quite clear to me. For instance, the verb "ram" was used a lot in his phone sex banter, but the action "ram" is not exactly part of his standard sexual repertoire.

[honeypot]

KEB,
Very interesting. I hope you continue to work through those issues.

Did my H think he was saving me? I don't think so.

I think he could NOT comprehend that I wanted/needed/loved sex as much as I told him I did. That did not mesh with his vision of me...of women in general I suppose.

Which is really weird. As I've written here, I've been HD since I hit puberty. Any boy or man I was ever with knew early on that I was HD and quite aggressive. I was never passive or unsure when with a man, H included. This continued into our marriage. However, there was a brief time which I went LD, maybe 6 months or so, and I think that he somehow convinced himself that he was repulsive to me and that was that.
At the time, I was undergoing hormonal treatment as a way to treat infertility so I'm sure that was the reason. The hormones were way whacky and did all sorts of weird things to my body, including a period in which I sweated 24 hours a day. I have never been a big sweater and barely have need for deodorant so I knew that the hormones were wreaking havoc in me.

Why the hell am I talkin about this anyway? Oh yeah, the saving me thing.

Truly I think he just assumed that all people were like him and could take or leave sex, ultimately. I kept telling him that I was not like this but I think he just couldn't fathom being like this and so he continued to think that this was an exaggeration on my part.

Also, he had (at the time) this idea that sex was base and you "rose" above your bodily lusts at some point in your life. I think I disappointed him that I wanted to stay mired in the base, so to speak.

However, he has credited me with helping him ditch this notion and showing him a "better way" to think.

And, finally, self esteem was a big problem and still is. In the beginning he was thrilled that someone like me (these are his words, not mine) would want him. Then it became a "why would I want to belong to a club that would have me?" sortof thing. By continuing to want him, I was actually tarnishing my own pedestal. He needed to believe that I was better than that, for some odd reason.

One more piece of the puzzle was that I used to be very stingy with my compliments to him. Not because I didn't think them but because I just got out of the habit. Now I make a point to compliment him all the time. This seems to be helping his self esteem and every little bit helps.

Honey

[cinemanymph]

KEBall said,

but it was like when a shark feeds and the membrane goes up over it's eyes to protect them. My brain would do that sort of thing...put up this membrane of sorts...then, when it was over...the membrane was gone...the act was locked-up nicely and neatly in it's own little brain-compartment and filed away. I always thought it was outside of myself...

This sounds very much like detachment, a skill that victims of abuse often develop to escape an abuser. Some people experience it as watching themselves or as physical numbness. I don't remember if you said you were in counseling or not but it may be helpful to discuss it with a therepist.

[cinemanymph]

HP,
Sorry your birthday got waylaid by your little one. I hope she is on the mend.
GGB,
Your reverse parastalisis puns made me hurl!

[MJontheMend]

This sounds very much like detachment

I was thinking it sounded like the way my brain works when I mindlessly eat cookies. Maybe "detachment" is typical of any addictive behavior. If so, at least that verifies that I'm not a sex addict because I am very much in the moment when I'm having sex.

[cinemanymph]

Jenny,

because I am very much in the moment when I'm having sex.

That is a good thing. It has been a struggle for me to stay in the moment when we are having sex, but I make it a priority.

[honeypot]

So I had the ct scan yesterday.

It was no big deal! Oh wow, modern technology is really amazing. I was expecting all these bad things and, honestly, it took longer for her to insert the IV than the entire procedure took. They laid me down flat on a table, put in the IV, then the table moved in and out of another circular machine. Picture a 2x4 moving in and out of a large donut. And yesssssss all of you sick butts, I was thinkin that too.

The results will be in tomorrow, though I am not sure what they will find. I got a bit cocky last night and tried to have rough and tumble sex with H and the pain was right there (he's been doing it Shallow Style for months) so I would not say I'm cured, but I sure feel better than I have in a very long time. I can sit and walk without pain so that's progress!

Anyway, who'da thunk that the gal who has had two babies at home due to dislike of hospital and medical procedures in general would be so impressed with a ct scan, lol.

Adios,
HP

[Greeneyedlass]

Honeypot,

I'm glad you had the CT done, and that it turned out not to be the horrible ordeal I'm sure you envisioned

Here's hoping the results come back....normal!

GEL