t-bone, just make sure you handle this the right way...I hope she realizes what she could lose, and yes, her family is a great deal to sacrifice. It all depends on what she cherishes the most and if she is capable of wanting with her life. My ex-bf was divorced and we had a very serious R for almost a year. In fact, a great R...he had a horrible divorce, custody battle, etc. And she kicked him out several times before also before the divorce. He tried to reconcile the last time, but she would not hear of it. As long as he was begging and miserable, she did not want any part of him. Once he found me, within months she was suicideal, harrassing both of us, and he went back to her. Just to tell you briefly, I did not hear anything for 2.5 years. But during that time, they did ok for a couple of months, and after that, he said that every couple of weeks she would find a reason to kick him out again. Finally in the end, he found out she was doing the same things, other men, etc., and he moved out another final time in December of last year. The point here is to make sure you keep living your life and not making her the center point...make sure she wants you back for the right reasons, not because someone else wants you or for financial reasons. I find that almost all of the time going back out of jealosy rarely ever works in the LONG run. They have to want the R and the family to stay in tact. Keep your eyes open and don't do like my ex did...he cut off his family and only focused on her and their child, basically had no life...again. And I seriously doubt at this point she will want him back because he is so screwed up by this never ending cycle (24 years of marriage and many years of going back and forth). It is really sad, but he is quite depressed now and I cannot see him. So hopefully she knows what she stands to lose and is working on getting her true priorities straight. My ex-bf's ex-w, at the age of 51, will probably not do that. Their history is too bad and she continues to show that she wants to do what she wants no matter who it hurts. Not a good way to spend your life. So take care, take your time in this and don't jump too quickly. If you are meant to be, it will happen...but with work on BOTH parts. You sound like a great husband and father and hopefully she will come to realize that and cherish it. Sorry for the depressing story about my ex-bf, but it is the truth and something to learn from.
Your concerns are valid. I am not so sure it was jealousy that made her think as much as the fact that I wouldn't always be there. I think she saw me as a "constant" and when I wasn't anymore it through her off. She seemed lost because she couldn't count on me being there.
I will not settle, no way. I didn't have to initiate the financial discussion last night but I couldn't let it slide. Compromising who I am and what I believe in doesn't help anyone. My will is strong and I can only hold it back for so long before it will reapear. If she won't respect and appreciate me then it will never work. She promised the "cause" for the spending is gone, meaning she is content and doesn't need to spend for happiness sake. I told her I need reassurances on that just like she asked for reassurances from me regarding where my heart is.
My guard is definitely up and my tolerence is low. It has to be. I'd be a fool to give her 100% of me right now. Not sure I even have that to give right now. It is very hard for me to just focus on today. I want the future to be guaranteed. That can't happen but I at least want to see effort. That seems fair, doesn't it? We have a long way to go to have a great M but at least we are trying. TBONE
Been away for awhile trying to make things better. Just got the same old roller coaster. I took care of the legal issues with my car last week. It worked out extremely well considering what could have happened. The problem was that I got to read what my W said in the police report. She lied her tail off in trying to get me arrested. She even hinted at domestic abuse!!! I have never in 15 years touched her in anger, never! There have been other issues too but the real kicker was the text message that I intercepted yesterday morning from her "friend" that she "didn't have contact with anymore". She had a million excuses but it was all backpedaling. I simply can't trust my W and have lost respect for her as well. The deceit and selfishness is never ending.
I was really trying but the last week has been extremely revealing about who my W really is. I am not impressed at all. She is still over spending, back on diet pills(even though we have a membership at he health club), and down to working less than 10 hrs a week but can't keep up with the housework. The pattern just keeps repeating. We were arguing over money the other day and her response was that I should work more. FYI, I took her out every Saturday night last month to the tune of almost $800. Any tips on how to handle that sort of thing?
I bought her perfume the other day, give her massages, pillow talk, help out around the house, help with the cooking, active with our sons, etc. I am lost as to what I am neglecting in the M. All is great if she gets to do exactly what she wants. Otherwise she hates me and everything I do. It's like dealing with a split personality. It seems the only solutions are to give in to her or get away from her. HELP!!!
tbone, I don't know what to say except that only you know when you have had enough. I am sorry that she doesn't respect you enough to at least try to control the things that bother you the most. Some people are just going to do what they must to be happy, irregardless of who they hurt. Believe me, I know. If they feel the least bit of pain, I think they do what it takes to survive and get over it. I don't know what it would take to wake her up at this point, but as I said, only you know what your limits are. I didn't quite get what was going on about the car...she tried to have you arrested?
keep in mind that a man should never give a woman everything she wants because doing that will leave her with nothing to discover, nothing to chase, no mystery. If you don't believe what I'm saying, just ask the average divorced guy why his wife left him and he'll tell you, "I don't know what happened, I gave her everything she asked for!"
My friend your wife and mine are one in the same. Mine has been playing the victim lately, prances around telling everyone how happy she is, but I know otherwise.
She is in debt way, way, way beyond her means. My niece tells me she only has $ 16 till next payday 7/16. I guess thats what you get when your priority is clubbing and partying, its sad when a 39 year old tries to act 18. She already told me she does not have any money to get (S) 11 a birthday present this weekend. She really does not give a damn about anybody else but herself. (S) 16 was asking if I could give him money for a haircut so its that bad. I made really good money and she took me for granted, after she stole $ 2,300 from our joint checking account over a 3 month period, I was forced to start my own checking account and told her, you keep your check, I'll keep mine, You pay your parents mortgage, van, your cell, your crdit cards and I'll pay mine. With that alone she is already in debt $ 2000 a month, granted I have my hands full. She was sarcastic when this was happening, said "You gotta pay what you gotta pay", or "You gotta do what you gotta do". Guess financial reality is finally setting in for her now as she is always complaining to others, I have no money, I don't know how I'm gonna pay my bills, well guess its MLC full steam ahead for her.
My niece tells me, you really see her true colors now, how can she just walk away from her 4 children and put you through hell.
She is never at home, (Shes living at parents house now since we were separated) nobody knows where she is, shes probably with her boyfriend, we'll thats what she always wanted so if she chose her path, let her suffer the consequences of her choice.
All we can do is take care of ourselves in the meanwhile, it's weird as each day goes by, I feel stronger and stronger, and releived.
She has been using the baby as a pawn lately so I am about to go dark, very, very dark, as much as it pains me because I love the baby so, so, so, so much I do not like being used as a doormat, drops him off for days on end.
Its funny how their true colors come out, she is so beautiful on the outside but so, so ugly on the inside, if it was to relive my life again, I would look for what is inside somebody, not whats on the outside.
If I could make a suggestion in your situation, stop the chase !!!! Stop pursuing your wife, she knows she has you hooked. Is your wife only working 10 hours a week? My wife was working only about 16 hours a week, I finally told her there is nothing more I can do to increase our financial income as I was already working 50 hours a week, told her the only alternative is for her to work full time, she bitched hollered and moaned, said she would quit her job, but as the weeks went by she started to increase her hours as work, My goal was for her to be able to stay home with the kids and not work, but since her priorities changed, so did mine.
Keep in touch, lets help each other through this mess.
Quote: Been away for awhile trying to make things better. Just got the same old roller coaster. I took care of the legal issues with my car last week. It worked out extremely well considering what could have happened. The problem was that I got to read what my W said in the police report. She lied her tail off in trying to get me arrested. She even hinted at domestic abuse!!! I have never in 15 years touched her in anger, never! There have been other issues too but the real kicker was the text message that I intercepted yesterday morning from her "friend" that she "didn't have contact with anymore". She had a million excuses but it was all backpedaling. I simply can't trust my W and have lost respect for her as well. The deceit and selfishness is never ending.
I was really trying but the last week has been extremely revealing about who my W really is. I am not impressed at all. She is still over spending, back on diet pills(even though we have a membership at he health club), and down to working less than 10 hrs a week but can't keep up with the housework. The pattern just keeps repeating. We were arguing over money the other day and her response was that I should work more. FYI, I took her out every Saturday night last month to the tune of almost $800. Any tips on how to handle that sort of thing?
I bought her perfume the other day, give her massages, pillow talk, help out around the house, help with the cooking, active with our sons, etc. I am lost as to what I am neglecting in the M. All is great if she gets to do exactly what she wants. Otherwise she hates me and everything I do. It's like dealing with a split personality. It seems the only solutions are to give in to her or get away from her. HELP!!!
My sitch may become infinitely more complicated shortly. Things have been up and down but some good revelations have been made lately. Here is where it goes down hill. A former LF/EA broke up with her boyfriend and now he is threatening to call my W with all the gory details. He is pretty much a P.I. from all the ways he has acquired data. Anywho, if he and my W talk it is going to get very ugly. I mage a huge mistake by not staying on the high road and it looks like I will pay dearly for it. At the time it felt like I was simply "evening the score" with my WAW but now I feel absolutely terrible for what I did.
I guess the lesson here is to ALWAYS stay on the high road no matter what your SO may be doing. I broke the rule and it appears as though I will pay the price. I deserve it, don't think I see it as unfair at all. Just extremely disapponted in myself. Maybe they will never talk but I am not counting on it. I have contemplated "coming clean" but the details would be too hard on my W. Way too hard. What would you do?
Well, where do I start? It has been two weeks and no calls from EA's ex-BF. Yep, dodged the bullet! Not sure how but will not forget the lesson learned in that nightmare. My W has been in Palm Springs at a pageant for the last two weeks. In that time I have GAL as much a person could. My 3 S and I have been very, very busy. We have done so much together, even teaching the S6 to swim! It got to the point that my W is jealous of all we are doing while she is gone. That was the plan! See, she has been on vacation for almost 30 days this year so the boys and I have learned to work great together. So much so that I think it will be hard when my W returns. There is one other thing that will make it hard to. She got her upper lip injected with collagen the day before she left and made up this incredibly elaborate story about how she got a "fat lip". I found the plastic surgeons card and a map to his office so she isn't fooling anyone. I kindly gave her several chances to "come clean" in which she lied right to my face. No problem, I just dropped it. What was the point of an interrogation? I am dying to hear her excuse of why she still has a "fat lip" two weeks later. That ought to be a real "whopper" of a story. Anyway, just another example of her inability to be honest. It's crap like this that kills my attempts to trust her. She simply proves time and time again that I can't.
The good thing is that I really feel good and my boys haven't asked when W was coming home. I was starting to get concerned and asked them if she had texted or called them and they said,"Not today but she did the other day, so what". That was a relief to hear so I dropped it. My friends have invited me out many times during my W abscence. It was always to "family" functions so my boys were welcome as well. In fact, they made some new friends out of all of this.
My only concern now is how my W will handle the ambivalence that I have developed towards her. It makes me feel better but I think she is going to be hurt by it. I am a miserable actor so it will show immediately. Wish me luck.
