Note that some dialog has been edited to convey the essence of the convo in a short amount of space.
Scene 1. The morning after a great evening of extremely hot LM after I returned from a trip.
Me: "wow...that was a really nice time last night"
W: "It sure was...but don't set your expectations that it will happen every time you come home from a trip".
Me (felt like I got punched in the stomach but not sure why): "Um..that was a pretty crappy thing to say"
W: "Well, I just know how you make these 'positive predictions' about things and I just wanted to be realistic."
Me: "ok...I guess"
Scene 2. That evening prior to bed.
Me: "Before you go to sleep, I have to tell you something about what you said today...after thinking it through a bit, I realized that what you said is no different from me reminding you that we might not be married in 5 years...it's like you are the one making the negative prediction but that you want it to be my problem. In reality, you should have said 'that was a nice time last night' and nothing else. Then, the next time I come home from my trip, tell me that you need a day or two to do whatever it is you need to do or something. Secondly, this is a classic case of what the C used to bust my ass over...'preserving the current system' by speaking about me our yourself in a way that characterizes the worst aspects of our situation."
Again, it all comes down to communication and respect. It's very hard to shake the bad habit of projecting the past onto the present and causing all the bad, insecure feelings to come back up. Oddly, she did this on a night where I didn't show any signs of "expecting" sex. As a matter of fact, she was showing all the "not interested" signs - perpetual yawning, acting tired, etc. It wasn't until I got into the bed that I discovered that she was wearing some sexy stuff I got her from VS last week. Either she mustered up some "obligation energy" or maybe she really wanted to be with me but her body was fighting her...who knows? It doesn't matter because the moment was a good one and analyzing it any deeper than my own enjoyment is wrong. I probably wouldn't have thought twice about it if this sitch didn't arise. But that's exactly what happens when one person unleashes a "system-preserving" statement...the other person retreats into their comfort zone...analyzing encounters, posting on the DB site, etc.
It's sad that the first time I do everything by the book - give her space, keep quiet, manage my expectations, and simply live in the moment, is when she unleashes a traditionally AtlDave goof. I hope that we don't have a "shared functioning" (Schnachism) where someone always has to be an moron in the relationship.
Anyway, I thought I'd provide this as food for thought.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: Scene 2. That evening prior to bed. Me: "Before you go to sleep, I have to tell you something about what you said today...after thinking it through a bit, I realized that what you said is no different from me reminding you that we might not be married in 5 years...it's like you are the one making the negative prediction but that you want it to be my problem. In reality, you should have said 'that was a nice time last night' and nothing else. Then, the next time I come home from my trip, tell me that you need a day or two to do whatever it is you need to do or something. Secondly, this is a classic case of what the C used to bust my ass over...'preserving the current system' by speaking about me our yourself in a way that characterizes the worst aspects of our situation."
You know, I've thought a lot about my own sitch (obviously), and why I (and some others on here) don't "confront" better, draw boundaries better, etc. And I think in reading your post this morning I figured it out, at least for me:
Because after taking all that risk to "hang myself out there" that way, I cannot even ENVISION my wife responding with a simple "You're right -- I'm sorry."
It would only be an awful fight.
It's like some friends and family that I have that I don't discuss POLITICS with, while with others -- even those who heartily disagree with me -- we enjoy a lively back-and-forth. When someone never concedes a point , it's like "Why Bother?"
Quote: When someone never concedes a point , it's like "Why Bother?"
But choc, sometimes you have to try to make the point for YOUR OWN GOOD, not to try to change their mind. Don't do it for the result you want from the other person, just do it because the point needs to be made. If you fail to try to make the point, then, when they say, "you never told me this," you will have nothing to say then, either.
But choc, sometimes you have to try to make the point for YOUR OWN GOOD, not to try to change their mind. Don't do it for the result you want from the other person, just do it because the point needs to be made. If you fail to try to make the point, then, when they say, "you never told me this," you will have nothing to say then, either.
Because after taking all that risk to "hang myself out there" that way, I cannot even ENVISION my wife responding with a simple "You're right -- I'm sorry."
Hairdog beat me to this one. He's absolutely right. My confrontation with her was solely for MY benefit. Even if she had gotten defensive, pissy, or something (which I almost expected), it felt so good to hear myself stand up for the principals I believe in.
We have to be able to sleep with ourselves before we attempt to sleep with someone else.
I also want to make an anecdotal comment. I decided to write this post last night because I was bored and thought it was an interesting exchange to share. By the time I finished, I had resurrected some of the bad feelings I had over the incident. We should all be careful that we don't allow our posts on this site to add an additional 50-75% stress to our current situation.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Choc.