My sitch, ME, 36 XW, 33 D, 2 M, 7 years Bomb dropped on Dec. 18th (Before Christmas, that sucked) I was asked to move out on Jan, 14th. Divorce Final, Nov. 12th ( what a great gift to our D2, just 3 days after her 2nd birthday)
Wow, I can't believe this has happened so quickly. I have to tell you I have been lurking around on this board for the last 2 mos. and unfortunetly I have found people in which I have something in common. The WAW.
Let's get the party started shall we. I met my wife through a friend and immediately started seeing her. We weren't dating per say, just hanging out. We went out on our first date on Halloween, 1995. We seemed like t pee's in a pod. So much so, that I moved into her apartment the very next day. I kept my own place for about 6 mos. but rarely stayed there. I might have stayed there for 1 night the whole time, not because of any conflict. I just needed to stay there for worked related issues.
We lived together for about 2 years before I decided to "pop the question". Not the most romantic scene, as she was complaining that it would be 10 years before we get married. So, I asked her to pick a date and I will be there. This brought great laughter from the woman I had just proposed to in a round about way. At the same time I had just been asked to join a band that tours extensively through out the midwest. For the first five years, our marriage seemed to go smoothly, not without conflict, but for the most part we were good friends. I was gone quite alot on the weekends playing in Clubs and Festivals and did some touring with some big name acts. All the while holding down a full time job. When I didn't have anything going on in the music side I spent all my free time with ny wife. Doing things like going to the movies and spending the evenings watching T.V. and generally being around my wife.
This where it all gets screwed up. I will admit that I have a temper. And in the last 5 years I have had some moments that I am not proud of. No physical stuff here. After 5 years of what I thought was a good marriage. Me and the XW decided to have a child. That happened quickly, one month after stopping the pill my XW was pregnant. In 9 short months, out pops Zoe. Things seemed to get better everyday after our blessed event. 6 months after our daughter was born, my XW develops Graves Disease (Hyperthyroidism). This is where, IMHO, things started to go down hill. My wife seemed to spiral out of control, going out late and spending the evenings out with her friends til 3 a.m. on a weeknight. Her thought process started to go a little whacky. For the last year and a half I have been dealing with someone that I don't remember marrying ( the Alien Phase). So all of a sudden she decides that, well you all know. The WAW sayings and the such. Now here I am Divorced and still wondering what the Hell just Happened?
I'll give you some background Info. on both of us( as I see it.
Me, Grew up in So. Cal. moved to the great stae of Kansas some 18 years ago, Dad was a womanizing Alcoholic and Mom was a punching Bag ( emotionally speaking). Me, well I have Anger issues, that I am dealing with at this moment with some help from a counselor. Never have been the Jealous type, we all have our pasts. I have issues with Alcohol, stemming from childhood ( I don't have a problem with drinking, just uncomfortable with it in the house). That is one of my issues. I only expected 1 thing from my wife and that was to call me and let me know where she is, so I can meet up with her or if there is something wrong I can get ahold of her ( I am and will always be an overprotective father, hence wanting to know where she will be) For the most part, My anger was a big issue. Over the years I have seen my self esteem get beat down like a tent stake. With her control issues.
Now on to the XW, Her parents for the most part weren't the most affectionate people, never fought in front of their children. But were great in-laws. There in a pinch when you needed help. When I first met my wife she seemed so responsible ( something I saw in her that I wasn't). I really admired her integrity and take charge attitude. Graduated from college with a Masters Degree. Beautiful person, personality and physically. As I've said before, after the birth of our child the attitude slipped and she started hanging out with her friends more, The drinking increased, and the " I don't care" attitude became more prevalent.
Now here I am with a ton of questions.
Sorry for the lengthy post, but I really need some people to talk to about this, as I really don't have many friends here. Most of my friends still live in California. Sounds stupid, but I doon't have many close friends, my wife was really my only close friend. Between work and band stuff, I have never really been able to develop any real frindships.
Glad that you posted and hope this BB can help you to reach a better place.
What are your questions, PB?
Here are some for you: Do you want her back? Where does the sitch stand? For example, how often do you see each other? Do you still live nearby? How is coparenting going? Other issues, like unemployment, OM?
Here are some for you: Do you want her back? Where does the sitch stand? For example, how often do you see each other? Do you still live nearby? How is coparenting going? Other issues, like unemployment, OM?
First Question, Do I want Her back?
Honestly, I don't know. After the things that have been said and done in the last 1 1/2 years. I can Honestly say I don't know. On one hand, I love her with all my heart and soul. Hence, the counseling for my anger issues. Not alot of men would do that for their wives. And I'm fairly certain alot of men on this BB have. Because we truly want to see our M's make it. On the Other hand, She is not the person I married. She say's she has changed, but for me the changes have been bad. I mean the drinking increased, stopped being so responsible. Just became, IMHO, a party animal.
Second Question, Where Does the Sitch stand?
Strangely. We parted as friends, I mean the divorce was amicable. I didn't put up a fight about it. But some things that were said have me so confused. I was originally asked to move out of the house because I spoke to her parents, they were not privy to my wifes actions. She doesn't talk to her folks about intimate issues. I only went to them because they are my family to and wanted there guidance and help. Now, she wants me to keep a relationship with her parents. Why? Does she think I won't talk to them about what happened. I am a very open person, you ask-I tell. Probably not the best policy. She wants to keep a relationship with my folks, and I honestly can't see why. I mean for the last 1 1/2 years she has been completely rude to my Mother. This is how she thinks, My Mother and Father are divorced(when I was 24), my Father makes a substantial living, pulling in 6 figures a year. My Mother makes a modest income and isn't able to travel as much as my Dad. So, my mother doesn't get to see us much. When my Dad is town, my XW would stop at nothing to see him and talk to him. When my mother comes to see us she would do anything to avoid my mother, like going out to all hours of the night. She said, If my mother would visit more often like my father, she would be around more. What kind of logic is that. Make a person feel unwelcome, so they will come around more. I don't get it.
Really at this point I'm Dark, I don't particulary care to be with her or here from. Mostly because it hurts to much. We live in a City of about 300,000 people. Consequently the 2nd worst dating city in America, and the highest divorce rate in America at 75%. Go figure.
When this initially started, We both went to see a counselor. It was mainly for my issues, but wife came along at the request of the counselor. During one of our sessions my wife made a comment about how she resented our daughter. So as far as the parenting thing is concerned, I couldn't tell you. My mother made a comment about how i seem to hold our D2 more and seem to be more of a parent to her than my XW. Could be biased, but my usually is a straight shooter when it comes to me. She knows I have a temper and can extrememly irresponsible at times. And she lets me know it.
We both worked throughout the marriage. I had a stent of unemployment that lasted 4 weeks and found a better higher paying job. XW is a probation officer.
I have some suspicions about another man, but she says she wasn't having an affair. Seems to quick to me and I did see her out with someone one afternoon. I suspect an emotional affair, I mean we were having our troubles and he just happened to listen to her and became friends. Got her at a very vulnerable time, you know how that goes. Funny thing is the guy looks like me, he's a little older and has 2 previous marriages. I guess this works to my advantage.
We have had our problems, I would like to think that they weren't any different than anybody else. Money issues, Time together, etc.
There is just so much to tell, that I would almost have to write a book.
I can honestly say I have never been this confused in my entire life.
I guess to clearify my situation. I have to be more open.
First and foremost, through out my marriage I have travelled on the weekends playing music. It was and still is a great passion for me. The problem was I got caught up in the Rockstar lifestyle. I had a dream to be a star, and this dream was feasible for the most part. The band was being wooed by several Record Industry officials and I got caught up in the possibility of being rich. My only reason for doing this, and I can't seem to get my XW to listen to me about it, so we would be better off. No more money worries and maybe our fighting over money would decrease or diminsh all together. The touring definately took it's toll on her. Abandonment issues, Maybe.
When the bomb dropped, which it didn't in the sense of I'm leaving you. It was more like, get your crap together or I'm leaving you. My first reaction was to give up my band and put an end to a dream that at this present time wasn't going to happen. I guess we had our 15 minutes of fame. I knew I had anger issues and immediately sought counseling.
As my process for healing myself progressed my wife seemed to pull farther and farther away from me. The first week after our initial talk things seemed fine, we hugged and kissed and even ML 2 times. After my first counseling session, and my wife was talked to that same day, she all of a sudden got distant. She told me the counselor instructed her to do so. Fine.
As we were going through this process my wife became more and more inaccesible to me, I.E., no intimacy and no touching.
After I talked to her parents and told them about what was going on, she asked me to move out. She was extremely angered about my talking to her mother. Her mother incidently called, the evening I spoke to them, and told my wife a thing or two about being a wife and a mother and the way she was acting was inappropriate.
So, I move into an apartment. On Feb. 10th my wife filed the petition for Divorce. In Kansas you have to wait 60 days until you file the final decree. All the while my wife was on the fence about the whole divorce thing. I asked her if the filing of the petition meant that there was no chance for a reconciliation. She said " No, it means we have 60 days to figure out what we want". I said "this kind of tells me what you want".
April 12th papers were signed by the judge and the decree became final.
So I go to her house, which I gave to her, I didn't ask for any equity. We started to talk. I asked if she was serious about saving our marriage in the beginning, she replied yes. I stated to her that I didn't get much of a chance to show you any changes. Which I had done. She replied "that she was scared, that if she let me back in the house, we would be where we started in a month".
She has told me that " She doesn't want to tell me that she never wants see me again and that we'll be trying to work things out in a year" or " Maybe in a few months we can sit down and try to work things out" " I just want us to use this time to do things for ourselves"
Why couldn't she work things out while we were married, I understand and have validated all her feelings about her apprehension to let me back in.
Earlier in the scenario, she made a comment about wanting to try a 2-3 year seperation. That is a long time. She was afraid that after that period of time we might look at each other and not want to be together.
I have heard so many comments that give me a feeling that she thinks this is a temporary deal. I don't know to handle this situation. I have been GAL, I bought a nice house and am doing the best I can to maintain some sense of sanity. With comments like that from her I can't help but hope there might some future for us.
It does seems to happen fast doesn't it? My then WAW dropped bomb Dec 2003, moved out Mar 04, Filed May 04, Final Nov 05. And we are caught in the maelstrom, trying to grasp anything and survive.
And most of the WAW behvaior is fairly consistent through many other situations. Does it make it easier to understand? To recognize? To resolve? No.
Truth be told, these were decisions a long time coming without our knowledge.
Feel free to vent, scream, yell or just talk on the boards; there is a great deal of help and support from many, many people who unfortunately know exactly what you are going through.
I don't know if I agree with the statement " Along time coming without our knowledge"
Let's face it, we all know our shortcomings and our flaws in the R. I mean we do take 100% of the responsibility for 50% of the problems. It just takes the actions of our WAW to finally get us to do something about it.
I look back at my M and I just now realize that she was saying something to me all the time. Did I hear it. Probably, but we can sometimes be victims to our own denial. Or we hear something and we just didn't comprehend the way it was said.
I know my XW said things to me about my anger issues and I think I was in denial, but I also believe the way she said wasn't as constructive as it should have been.
I would agree with some of this. But I feel from my experience and in talking to others, when the WAS leaves or files for D, they have been unhappy or wanted something to change for a long time. Could we have done a better job of paying attention and being actively engaged in the R? Could they have done a better job of expressing their frustration or unhappiness? The answer to both, is yes.
The irony is, for me anyway and others who have expressed similar sentiment, is we much better understand ourselves and our areas we can improve in and understand more about the dynamic.
I guess what sets us apart from our spouses is that we took the initiative to actually change ourselves for the better of the relationship and ourselves.
In my case, the only thing my XW admits to is the fact she didn't speak up and nip it in the bud. What she hasn't owned up to was her need to control every aspect of my life. From the car I drive, to where I spend my money and how I dress.
I owned up to the fact that, Yes, I have an anger problem and I took the time to try and figure it out. If not for the R but for me. I also can be impulsive, and I have put a stop to that to some degree. Making my family a priority, was one of my biggest downfalls. I would go away for days on band trips and when I got home I expected my XW to stay home with me. Unfair, perhaps, seeing as she had to watch D2 at the time. When in fact she was lieing to me about it. She would take the D out to the XIL's house and leave her there for the weekend.
After years of travelling she has a lot of resentments towards me. For us to move forward, she has to let that go. And I don't feel she will ever forgive me for the time I was away. Which is going to cause her great problems in her new relationships.
