I think its harder going through a divorce when you are still best-friends with your husband. Our history.... H had an A. He left me to live with her. But one thing back-fired on him... his son (my step-son) would not go live w/him. So stepson stayed with me. During this time I Dbing all I could. I was even ML w/H. I was now the OW. Convinced that eventually he would come back to me as he constantly was the one looking for me and visiting me. H never once asked for a divorce. I guess why would he... he still had me and OW. Plus I was there caring for his son like always. So this continued for one year. Now he is looking for a new apartment as he plans to leave OW but not for me. He has found someone else. Someone that has (as he puts it) open his heart and made him do things he's never done before. He basically told me that he feels loved again and is in love w/her. She lives in another states but is more than willing to wait a year for her so they can start their lives together. So now..... he wants a divorce. He is taking his son back. And can't see why he told me all this time that he still loved me and wanted us to be together. It seems that just when we were about to possibly give our marriage another try..... a new woman comes into his life. The hurt I feel now is huge. But I do picture our life now if we were to get back together and I realize I could NEVER trust him again. I think my biggest hurt is that I NEVER imagined being a divorced woman. I married this man with all the love in my heart and I married him for good or bad. What I wonder is how do you forget the past and the promises made to each other. Plus I'm now 34 and although we both had said we wanted children, he never thought it was the right time. I feel like my prime years have been taken away and I'm left with nothing. For 6 years, I also supported his career and now that he is finally getting to be comfortable other woman are the ones being there to enjoy it. I don't care about the money, it's just that NOW is when he can afford to travel.. NOW is when he has time off to go. NOW he is the man I've been waiting for.
So I ask myself now....... what book helps you recover your dignity and helps you through a divorce.
Hi. Well I will tell you right now I have been lurking on these boards forever it seems. I am divorced but still hanging on to some hope it will work out somehow. I can relate to your situation some, through our seperation and divorce and the past several months I have witnessed my ex becoming the person I wanted when we were married. I think it is a good thing maybe she will eventually be happy. I pray that she does heal and become happy, I throw in that I hope it will also be with me later on but that flame burns less brightly each day as I let go of hope.
You asked about a book... Mars and Venus Starting over is one I go to a lot. Some of it is inspiring, some of it makes sense to the situation, and parts of it well, are just plain truthful as to why things are the way they are and why they are the way they use to be.
Thank you so very much for your suggestion. I guess I find myself in a situation where.... I have to let go and see if he returns.. I will buy this book today as reading will help with the pain.
oh, lazyhalo, you were so right - so similar ("HELP ME through the next 2 weeks" and also "Agonizing Day"). And you're right - this has to be harder somehow. I keep reading on this board of folks talking about missing the ILY and trying not to read too much into it when H slips up and says it. All I can think is how much of a more special pain it is when H says ILY constantly almost, and you know he means it, but only as your very special FRIEND. All I think is that he really really really really means that this is truly over - that he's not denying any love, just recognizing that it's not the right kind of love. And sometimes I feel a touch of fury at him for telling me it was for so many years - my "prime years" too - I'm 41 - I'm thinking maybe the anger will help me through some, maybe? I don't know what will help me through. Re-read parts of DR last night, and it did help me get back on my feet. Not so weepy today. H called to "check on me" and see how I was feeling; brought me ice cream from a favorite place 30 minutes away last nght - being more solicitous than when I wanted those things from my husband - guess he's trying to say "See what a good buddy I could be, what good best friends we could be?" Thanks a lot. I know he expects me to stay in his life after the D - but all I feel is that I cannot. I'm going to show him how a true woman of God behaves when she's in love with a man who belongs to someone else - he and OW will never see or hear from me again.
Whew! Sorry for the venom. You'd asked a question, didn't you? Well, DR is helping me even when I think it can't anymore. Someone on beliefnet.com recommended Healing Life's Hurts by Matthew Linn - I've been meaning to get it. A good friend of mine sent me Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends by Fisher and Alberti - some of the sections in there have been helpful to me, if only to recognize myself in the stages of transition of grief and anger. I seem to be stuck in there somewhere - I think with H still living here I won't move through anything.
