Its been a while since I have been on here. My sitch is divorced 2 yrs in may. I still love this woman so much its hard to go on with out her. She has an OM living 2 hrs away. No contact in 6 mos. I have been through hell with accusation of me molesting our children. Witch is not true. she has continued to run me over. Im fighting her in child support court.She wants an increase. I have a hard time doing this since all the hell she has put me through. Is it still worth my while to try and restore a R with her and how should I handle this.
First of all I'm sorry you find yourself in this position.
Quote: Is it still worth my while to try and restore a R with her and how should I handle this.
My honest answer: Probably not. I know where you are coming from, especially if you have children. I too held out some hope when my first marriage failed. My opinion is that this long out from your divorce and with another guy in the picture you are probably the only one that even thinks about your past marriage. Once I was in a R with my current wife I no longer thought about my ex.
That's not to say there is absolutely no hope. Just saying all you can do is work on your own happiness and create a complete life for yourself. Become a complete person that no longer pines for your ex-W. Do things that improve you. If there is any possibility of remarriage/reestablishing a R with your ex it will only come from you drawing her to you through your own self-confidence and heightened attractiveness. Maybe somewhere along the way you'll find someone else that can appreciate your positive attributes.
I know from experience...you should ask yourself what exactly it is you want. Do you want this woman because you can't have her or because there is actually something worth wanting? Is there anyone else in your life? Are you dating? I pined away for my ex until I found someone else and then I realized it wasn't her I wanted. I just wanted my family back together. There really isn't much about my ex that I find likable. I know that was kind of a non-DB type response and probably not the kind of response you wanted. But I think you'll be happier if you just concentrate on yourself and your happiness, put your best foot forward if you interact with her, and if she is attracted again to you then so be it.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
La, Thanks for the reality check here. I can see alot of trueth in what your saying.
Fish, Take baby steps. Letting go is a slow process for me. I started by self improvement. Now I'm going out with friends occasionally. I concentrate on my boys whom need me now more than ever. My first priority is my boys, and to take care of them I know I have to take care of myself, so thats what I do. Instead of focusing on her, focus your energy of something else, anything else. I know this isnt what you want to hear. Its not what I want to say, because it applies to me. Simple trueth is, our life has to go on. If there is ever a healthy chance for our R to work, it will be after our life has moved on. Its difficult, but I try to put my faith in God. Hope
I want to thank you for your replies. I was just wandering if if sending a card could help matters. I think she is unhappy in her relationship. She has no where to go and she has burnt to many bridges throuhout this divorce. Her on parents really don't want nothing to do with her. It seems the OM is a control freak. I think she is living in fear. This is my anoligie. I was also wanting to know if making a call would be appropriate. He has told me he don't allow her to talk to me. I feel for her and my children.
You have kids? How old? My opinion of reconciliation still hasn't changed..take care of yourself and if it happens it happens. On the other hand you have feelings for this woman. In a sense you can at least see her like a friend or your sister. If she is really on hard times....needs a hand..a shoulder..a friend, then it is merely compassionate to offer it. You feel sorry for her...that's understandable, even if you didn't love her you shared your lives for a time. I felt sorry for my ex also and helped her out.
The kids issue is different. If you need to have a talk with your ex in regards to your kids this OM has no right to get in the way. I hope you get reasonable visitation with your kids. If so, how do you handle the exchange. Do you have visitation? If you see her on those occasions just ask politely and with genuine concern how she is doing. If she wants to talk she will. The card...I don't know about. Especially with a jealous and controlling OM in the picture.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
We have 3 kids together S8, S7,D5 , and I have a D12 from a previous R. We were married 5 yrs, together 6. There was many things that went wrong in our marriage, which truly was all my fault.
I have worked a great deal on myself and have made great accomplishments. For This I give all thanks to the grace of GOD . I am a very firm believer in that everything happens for a reason.
There is a lot of pride on her behalf to overcome. This has been the real struggle for us. I think she knows that I still love her. All I can say is if our lives are meant to be together then so be it. If they are not, then so be that as well.
All that I can do is be the better man. The one she doesn't think exsits in me. This is one of my many many goals that I continue to work on. She really needs to see, that the man she married, is forever turning into a person, that she should not live without. Not the idiot she divorced.
I continue to get better. Especially for all those that are currently in my life now, and those who are not,and those that will be in the future. All I can do is hope that all the prayers that I pray for, GOD BE WILLING will be
answered.
We have a child support hearing on 4/28 @ 10:30 for an increase in child support. This she will not be attending. I know she needs more money. Do you think by me giving her this without a fight might give her a different outlook towards me? This battle for the increase in child support has been going on for well over 6 mos. Only becuase of the bitterness and anger that has built up inside of me. If I'm thinking right and end this fight now, this might be a great way to let her know Im changing. It also should show her I care for her and our children.
She is a great mother, and this is something I will forever be grateful. I know she is in a bad way. She is just trying to do the best she can with what she has. I just hope we can talk very soon. Which I know is coming.
I really need to stay in touch with all of you, so I don't screw up. My feelings are if I apply great DB'ing practices, and some more work on my behalf. We might be able to put it all back together again. Then we could work on a relationship that will last til death do us part, not divorce do us part.
Do you think a Telephone coach would help this late in the game? I really need to get more goal oreinted. I really appreciate all of your support. I think this is a good place to vent and get some great advice. You all really don't know how much hope, I recieve from reading your all of your posts.
My prayers go out to all of you. Also, may the GOOD LORDBLESS ALL OF US AND GRANT US THE PEACE AND SERENITY AND STRENGHTH TO GET US THROUGH THESE TROUBLESOME TIMES.
I think we all believe that our marriage is worth fighting and definitly worth changing for. So lets not give hope. As long as there is a notion and a will to continue on DB'ing we all have a chance.
Please pray for me as I continue on, through this pearilous journey. One that is not to be won, but one that needs to be earned through trial and error.
My opinion is that if you can avoid legal struggles it is always for the best. These things drag out and increase anomosity. BUT...is the amount of increase fair? Is it within the guidelines for your state? If the amount of increase requested is fair to you and her then call her up and say you want to agree on an amount. If it is not fair to you then call her up and say you want to compromise on an amount. If you feel you are not providing the amount you should be then swallow your pride and resentment and get this child support issue out of the way.
This C.S. stuff is just a festering wound. I've went the easy way and the hard way both and let me tell you the easy way is the best for avoiding all the anger and resentment. But you have to be fair to yourself. Don't agree to an exorbant amount that will leave you strapped just because you love your ex.
The rest of your attitude sounds great.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
You sound like a spiritual man. Read Gary Smalley's "How to Win Your Wife Back Before It's Too Late." It has some very challenging views of how to treat one's W during D or CS proceedings. In sum, be generous and Christlike toward your W, expecting nothing back in return. Give within reason (you can't ruin yourself expecting to win her back), but this generosity will communicate respect to her priceless role as a mother, and may help to soften her heart toward you over time.
