So yesterday I go with H, who is a minister, to a church where he's preaching 3 sermons for a friend's church anniversary. After the 1st service, I deliberately avoided being around him to as to avoid the awkward introductions ("This is..."B"...my... ('oh God, can't say 'wife' - what do I say - okay, just leave it at that...')") and because he didn't recognize me when he spoke it was easy. The the 2nd and 3rd service he introduced me and had me stand up - 2nd time he called me "friend, wife and better part of myself" and 3rd time he added "the love of my life." - WTF????? It wouldn't have been so galling if I hadn't backslid and checked his cell phone that morning and saw the usual 10 calls a day to OW or seen bank deposit slips to her bank in his wallet, or seen his doodling on paper in front of the computer that were clearly budget notes for his expenses when he leaves me next month. I know you're not supposed to try to figure out what WAS or MLCers are thinking, but geez! How conflicted. In a way it's seeming to make detaching a little bit easier - he's freaking crazy and evil to be able to say that from the pulpit full well knowing that he's going to call that stupid f**** c**** OW the first chance he gets.
And then when we got home we had the weirdest episode. He was on the computer and I walked in and he was going through his suspected spam on his email and there was a porn ad and I said "If you come into the living room I'll do some of that to you - yeah?" - VERY bold for me! And he just looked at me. And I looked at him full in the face for an answer. And he pulled me to him and held me in the chair. And I raised my head to look at him and say, "Well?" And he wouldn't say anything. So eventually I just got up and left and went in the bedroom and we both fell asleep separately. I woke up a few hours later and went to check on him - went to pull the covers down because he was getting sweaty. As I was walking away he woke up and pulled me down to lie down on him on the couch. Eventually I started ML - he very willingly cooperated! - for a while at least, then he stopped me, held me, said "I love you so much", got up and left and started returning phone calls. I got dressed and left the house without saying a word just to drive around and get over my humiliation. When I came back home and hour or so later, his car was gone. He called me on my cell phone soon after I got home and said "Where did you go?" I said just to drive around for a bit. He said he was at the store down the street and was calling to see if I wanted anything, and he came home a little while later. All very pleasant. After we'd been there a while I went back into the bedroom to lie down. He came in later and wrapped himself around me and said "I'm sorry about earlier." I said "What are you sorry about?" - because I truly didn't understand WTF had happened. After a while he said "I'm sorry for everything I'm putting you through." And then he started ML to me. Stayed in bed with me the rest of the night. This morning shared with me an email from someone who wrote him to say how much the services yesterday meant. Later today after he left I had to call him before I left to run errands to ask him if he wanted cash or just a check from me to pay him back for paying rent this month (I always pay but was busy and he took care of it this month). He started to say "We can talk about it - I'm trying to figure out...well, never mind, a check is fine." Guess he wants my advice on how to budget for when he moves out, since I've taken care of the lion's share of our expenses for so long while he's been in school.
And in addition to not believing that this is my life right now, I feel extra guilt from the added aspect of the fact that he's a minister - I'm not one who worships clergy - I know they're flawed humans - but in the back of my head I can just hear people who are looking for excuses to hate organized religion saying "Well, they're all hypocrites so why should I believe?" - so I feel extra bad that this is "ammunition" for those who are reading this.
Goodness I can't belive I've rambled this long - but somebody help me sort through this or tell me to stop trying and just let go or what????
Ohio, thank you for your prayers and encouragement. But what positive steps do you see in my post? I see nothing but cruel and painful hypocrisy and I'm feeling increasingly used and humiliated. I think the only reason he hasn't moved out yet is because he wants a free place to stay until his student housing opens up later on or he and his OW can find a place together, and he doesn't want to be inconvenienced by having to move twice. I KNOW he's going to ask if he can stay until then if he starts to share the rent. I bet the "correct" DB response would be to tell him yes, because it's better - in DB world - to have him here than not - but I just don't know if I can handle it emotionally....Sure, pay me some rent and that's supposed to make me feel okay about you leaving me for OW???
I'm sorry to be so down, but I need to vent before I blow up at him. I'm so disgusted with myself - of course in the course of my day I buy him the drink he went looking for last night and couldn't find, and I tear out an article from a paper I know he'd be interested in - why am I such a fool for him??? Do you know one of the things he actually told me when I (before DB) made him tell me why on earth he had been thinking I didn't love him anymore was that one thing was when I gave him gifts I wasn't enthusiastic enough - he actually demonstrated what I DIDN'T do in terms of being bouncy and smiley and touching him as I gave him the gifts. !!!!! I CANNOT empathize because I DON'T KNOW WTF IT FEELS LIKE TO GET A FREAKIN' GIFT AT ALL!!!! The last time he gave me something was Vanetine's Day when I specifically asked for something. The time before that was a Cinnabon after he dropped the BOMB and was being all solicitous. The time before that was a couple of years ago when he got me some earrings I admired right there in the shop with him - and I don't even remember the last time before that. Forget about having to "suffer" getting gifts given not enthusiastically enough - what does it feel like AT ALL to get something from someone who is thinking about you and what you like or need or would be interested in when they're not right there in your face???? WHY do I even want to stay with this man????
I'm sorry - I just need to vent before I say these things to him - thank you for letting me - please keep praying - I've been so teary today...I really thought I was cried out...
The positive things I saw: -Your H still talks to you, even if it's confused. If you read other stories posted here, you'll see that's not the norm.
-On the correct DB response. The correct DB response is for you to get a life and be happy with yourself. I don't know if you have access to Dobson's Book 'Love must be Tough', but there is a difference between being a doormat and loving dettaching. Their is also a difference between no begging, pleading, etc and taking a firm, but non-hostile stand against adultry.
-You should and can vent here. We are all in similar boats. Again, I don't know if you have access to the book "The Five love languages", but in there are discussions about gift giving/receiving.
-You need to do what you decide. Right now, you sound undecided. Do you love H and want to be married? Or not? that is the first question.
Do I love him? YES. Do I want to be married to him? Yes - BUT not the same marriage we had before. And I don't think he's going to be willing to put in the work to improve the way EACH of us is in our relationship, and I don't think he's going to be willing to do the things I'll need in order for me to heal and be reassured after his EA/PA (he'd probably say that the things I need are the things he needs me NOT to demand in order for HIM to feel like HE'S recovered from the things that "drove" him to OW - sorry - I've been feeling so ANGRY today for some reason).
It's probably all moot anyway - see link above for details about the upcoming "May 1" deadline. I have no expectations whatsoever, and I have totally absolutely NO expectations that he's looked for any C for us both to talk to.
I've just been a raging ball of anger today - couple of days ago I was a weepy rag of hurt. Don't know which I prefer.
Anyway - I have no idea what he's going to say on May 1. I actually may be more ready for him to say he's definitely leaving than that he wants to stay. If he says he's leaving but wants to be roomies until his student housing opens up I really don't think I can say yes to that.....is that anti-DB? If he says he's staying but isn't willing to "work" on us, I don't know if I want that - but the DB way would be to just be glad he's physically around, right? I don't know if I can handle that either.
Did I mention that I'm a confused tangle of confusion as well, pretty much constantly?....
Just checking in, I guess to "journal" more than anything. Had session (individual, of course) with C tonight. She keeps telling me to take care of and be concerned about myself and stop trying so hard to second guess H and trying to accommodate all his needs like I've done seemingly all my life. She's not a "DB" counselor, and I don't know that if she were she'd advise me any differently - maybe - but she's encouraging me to stop letting him use me for a free place to stay and constant moral support while he continues with OW and refuses MC. I think the DB way would be to let him stay at home and be "roomies" and just let him watch me GAL and not be concerned with his life at all....but I honestly don't think I can continue to do that. It's affecting me physically. I can't continue to attend his new church with him knowing the hypocrisy he's living - I don't want that to affect me spiritually. I think I'm losing respect for myself - and yet I keep reading on this board of all the folks who are trying so hard to stick with their H or W, even with them carrying on EA/PA practically in their own homes. Can I do that? How long could I hold out? Am I being unreasonable to want commitment from him? Could I be able to work through it in stages? How can we do that if he won't agree to work WITH me with MC? SHould I just cut my losses now and leave myself, given that he's about to start this graduate program at the same time as pastoring a new church as well as all his community work, which means he'll be less and less available to me - which means, following his typical pattern, he'll turn to OW who is moving in his new circles? Do I set myself up for this again or protect myself?
Weepy again. I can tell it's also all the Mother's Day hype around. My mother died this past June - this will be the first without her and it's hard already. I want to cry on his shoulder but I don't want him to feel sorry for me. Yet showing my raw hurt would definitely be a 180 for me. I guess as long as I don't "use" it and give him any impression that I want him to stay because he feels concern for me in that way.
Walking to the train from the therapist tonight I thought about how much I've learned about myself and about relationships over these past few months, and how sorry I am that H isn't willing to do the same with me, or willing to work with me with what I've learned.
I can't believe I'm still teary. At some point don't you risk just drying up and blowing away in the wind??? Maybe this is a new reservoir flowing from my grief about my mother and mixing with the drops from the grief over the loss of my marriage.
Okay - starting to talk in imagery - must be time to go to bed. Thanks for listening - God bless you all.
Hi, U are in a very difficult sitch. I was there in July. OW was a church member. We are separated. My H lost his position since preachers can't have GF, fundamentally wrong--you know!
Web site you can give him or book to give H if he decides he has a problem... is "Every Man's Battle".
The pain you are feeling is so intense. I'm so very sorry you have to experience this.
Honestly, the changes you will begin to make when you start doing the baby steps of DB/DR are worth it. You can do this.
Consider reading Micheles info on good C/bad C for marriage up in Newcomers. It is excellent. You could do the phone counselling as well.
Again, my heart goes out to you. You do not have to keep secrets for your H. Ever. That lets H control you. Just tossed that out for you to chew on.
The love of your life is still the love of your life. Even if you leave.
Thank you so much Midwest - I hate that you've experienced even a shadow of this pain but it helps me so much to hear from you. I've been DBing for a few months now and while my marriage appears to be over I really don't think I would have made it this far without working on GAL and knowing what to expect and not to react to, etc. He doesn't think he has a problem so thanks, but won't be any reading for him. I'm not sure what direction I'm headed in - he's moving out in the next 2 weeks so I guess it will be going dark or dropping the rope. Please pray for me, as I am for you -
Hi again, I heard the very same type of things from H..."are you filing for D or am I". This same H is tonight taking a nap on my couch. It has taken a lot of prayer--lots of people and in several countries--are praying for his heart to soften. It has.
I've done alot of the baby steps and had great support with DBing.
Quote: .. H doesn't think he has a problem...
It hurts beyond measure. Don't worry about giving H book...it is just in case type info. Obviously there is a very clear prob and H choses not to deal with it.
You said you aren't sure what direction you are heading so how about staying with the DB and watch and see how God works in this.
Tell me about your goals. I love hearing about GAL, it gives me ideas. Next week I'm doing a backpacking class and I'm definitely a hotel is camping out type. So, kinda a 180 and GAL combo.
Let me know how you are and know I'm praying for you. God has this under his control and He does love us. One day at a time...recognize the song?? Midwest
Obviously there is a very clear prob and H choses not to deal with it.