Looking backward...but only to move forward FOUR

[sage]

Hi guys,

Thanks so much for the visits and the support.

I talked to h a few times from work yesterday. It went well. When I got home from work he was relaxing and suggested that we go to a sports bar to grab some food and play air hockey (actually, he tried to "charade" it to me but it was a disaster! )


We went, had food, he kicked my butt at air hockey AND the hockey game with the little guys on swivel sticks. We came home and watched tv. I also had to call my mom back since she had left a message so that felt a little stressful to me.

This morning h was studying when I left for work. He called me before he left for school. I'll see him later this evening -- we're staying in and I'm cooking dinner (I hope it can live up to his cooking!)
***********

Here's my cainercast for today:
We all have talents that we rarely get a chance to use. We have
abilities too, that we don't even realise we have been born blessed
with. It is only when circumstances force our hand that we find
ourselves drawing on these inner resources. You are now being
challenged, stretched and put to the test. Before deciding that any of
this is deeply unfair, reach within yourself and see what you can
bring forth by way of an idea, a solution or a response.

I think the reason that I'm having a tough time right now is that h's withdrawal reminds me heavily of the prebomb days. And, I think there's good reason for that...see, what's contributing right now to h's depressed mood is that he's in pain -- not feeling well as a result of a kidney disease that he has -- it was diagnosed some time before the bomb and the discomfort that it has caused has ebbed and flowed but was significantly bad a year or so before the bomb.

I've watched my responses to him over the last few days and it feels like "more of the same" to me....when he gets withdrawn and quiet and depressed I do the following:

1. ASSume that it's me -- that I've done something wrong -- that he's mad or hates me or is irked. I make it all about me -- not because I'm TRYING to be narcissistic but because it's my pattern -- believing that I must have done something wrong so that I can FIX IT.

It's invalidating to h...it creates tension and churn in the house and whether or not I like to admit it, it makes me look and act self-centered and self-important! PLUS, it means that I'm spending so much time thinking about ME that I'm not doing a great job of listening to him.

2. I go into "fix it" mode -- it left to my own devices I would be full of suggestions for h -- doctors to see, exercises to try, alternative therapies, meditation, acupuncture, research, diet, everything. I'd be reading books and googling and all over it. But, again, it's not his style or his comfort zone and when I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off I'm ignoring HIS pace and his needs. (and, again, I'm not doing a great job of listening to him!). I can react to his requests for help and I can try through some ACTIONS to be more positive and helpful but hammering him with information and my thoughts gets in the way of my listening.

3. I distance myself from him...because I'm half wrapped up in feeling like it's my fault and half wrapped up in feeling uncomfortable being around someone who's feeling so down, I start retreating...instead of being able to "sit with it" I become ms. action oriented -- running here and there because it makes ME feel better. Well...h, I think, feels better when I'm WITH him and when I'm just THERE...comfortable with him, accepting of how he is.

These are just some thoughts I've come up with....I think that seeing my three main reactions (thinking it's all about me, going into fix it mode and then distancing) gives me good fodder for making some changes.

Sage

[psluke]

Hi Sage,

I think you have came up with some really good thoughts on the cause of your tension. Now to come up with the goals to address them.

I KNOW you will too!

[minnie1]

Hi Sage,

Just checking in to see how you're doing....

How's your H feeling?

I hope today is a good day...for both of you.
Minnie

[sage]

Minnie and Pam,

Thanks for the visits!

Things seemed better last night and much better this AM. I made dinner last night and h was very complimentary. Then he worked on homework while I read. This AM he woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed and was very . We went to the gym and then he was off to school. I haven't talked to him all day.

So...it seems like perhaps he's feeling better and it's translating into less reserve. I do feel a bit irked at myself for getting so hepped up...it's just hard when the "shades of prebomb days" come creeping. As I posted yesterday, it remains a great place for some goals for me.

I gotta run. Thanks for checking in ladies!

Sage

[molliew]

Perfect, thanks I needed that! All three of those things are exactly what I go through when my H gets quiet and seems down (or should I say those are things I really want to go through). It is a hard habit to break. I believe my H thinks kinda the same about just having me be there and let him be comfortable with no pressure from me, and let him work through it himself. Good stuff, Sage--thanks!

[sage]

h woke up again this AM even more upbeat than yesterday. He grabbed me before he got out of bed and gave me a big hug. We went to the gym and then he suggested that we have breakfast together, so we did!

It seems as though not only is he on the mend moodwise but that he's the most upbeat I've seen him in weeks. I guess it's true what Gray says about "cavetime" and what happens when the guy is ready to emerge from his cave!

Last night he was talking about plans he has for the yard (a bunch of landscaping he wants to do) and also plans for us for the summer. Big positives there.

Work has been incredibly busy today. I have 13 days to finish my big school project and I'm getting nervous!!!

Sage

[Libra]

Hello Sage. It's been awhile since I've had the opportunity to talk with you, but I saw your post on Wes's thread and I saw the new moderator title and I had to drop in.

Congratulations - you are so insightful and helpful to everyone. DB land is lucky to have you.

Geneva

[sage]

geneva -- what a nice thing to say! I really appreciate the visit and the compliment!

Just a quick update -- mainly journalling for me -- h and I are in the throes of homework time! He's been studying like crazy and I've been trying to get motivated to work on this darned project. After a bunch of false starts this week to make progress I've finally made some headway -- what's due in 10 days is my simulation model, a presentation and a paper. My model is in ok shape but neither of the other things has been worked on so today I started with the paper figuring I could make the presentation out of what's in the paper.

I think it turned out to be a good choice because I got on a roll and finished the intro and the high level overview. Tomorrow I'll do the details of the system, the details of the existing models and then hopefully start documenting MY model. I'll feel much better if I can get that done.

h has been studying all day at school with ff. He asked me if I wanted to come into school with him to do my work which was a VERY nice touch on his part -- I didn't have my laptop with me (at work) plus I'm not sure I would have gotten as much done there so I declined but I completely appreciate the invite.

He's also called twice which is very sweet too. I'm meeting him in a bit for a movie and dinner.

Score a few points for keeping my anxieties in check.

Sage

[sage]

I was a little cavalier about managing my anxieties yesterday... I met h after his studying and we came home, went to a movie and then out to dinner. At the tail end of dinner he mentioned ff again...for like the third time since I had picked him up. Something just got so exhausted inside of me...I wanted to burst into tears!

I think he sensed it because he was very loving and affectionate after that (well, tbh, he's usually that way -- just more so!). He seemed to go out of his way.

I wanted to cry for the rest of the night and did after we went to bed. I want to stress that I'm not thinking anything is going on -- not in any way -- and h is clearly trying to talk about ff to make me more comfortable, he's asked me to be there while they're studying and goes out of his way to be loving, etc. I can FEEL that it's not the same. But I'm still tired and scared and sad inside sometimes...it just brings back that godawful time when h was lying his gd head off to me everyday and I KNEW it. When he turned into such a monster.

Again, a thousand times, I'm not saying that's what's up here...just that all my anxiety and fear comes roaring back after a time...I know he knows how hard I'm working to combat that and I think he appreciates it.

I was thinking last night what else he could do to make this better (why not? thinking is free!). Maybe some acknowledgement from him that he GETS it. And more wouldn't hurt either.

I don't want to create a losing situation here...one where he feels as though he can't talk about stuff (since that was one of our problems before and we've come a long way!)...I think I just need a rest.

More homework today then I plan on relaxing tonight

Sage

[Fighting4Wife]

Sage,

Sorry to pop in on your thread, but I may shed some light on this and you on mine. I know the anxiety you feel too well. My W is in same boat as your H. We are only 2 weeks in after she was "caught" big time!

I believe the only true way to combat the anxiety is to have complete faith that they are there and honest. It is tough going through everything and having that trust violated. H is showing signs that he is aware of what your going through and not rubbing you nose in it. He is sharing his "encounters" with you to allow you no speculation. the invitation to study is huge, but not as huge as you declining. You showed great trust in him when you did that! Good for you.

As a male who went through the guilt of all this (mine was non physical and way long distance) he will be very unsure of how to approach you. He does not want to seem overly committed while being that way (if that makes sense). Remember us males are grunters and action takers. We do not do hints and subtle clues well not give them. Take his action as true and valid. They are the "man way" of communicating.

When you come up with the cure to the anxiety, let me know. I will order a double shot!