I'm not very good with words and sometimes its hard for me to get my point across but I am going to try. I think H and I are having a very big communication problem.
Just a little background. Last thursday afternoon out 11 yr old female dog who has cancer crashed big time. I left work and met H at the vets. Turns out she was not doing as well as we thought. We made the choice to put her to sleep rather than take her home and watch her die. Vet didn't think she would make it through the night even. Well, we live out in the country and we decided to burry her on our property. They wrapped her up and put her in a box for us. Well H had to work Fri and all weekend so he decided to leave the box in the garage until today. We couldn't burry her out in the woods with the dog we lost last year because there has been so much rain its still standing out in the woods so HE picked out a place in the front part under a dogwood. Ok, I could go with that. I have been so upset over the passing of this dog. I was actually looking forward to the buriel so I could have some closure and start to heal.
Today, I called him, asked him if everything was ok. He said yes he was almost finished digging the hole. So I asked him if he was waiting for me to get home so I could help him take the box out where she would be burried. He said no, it would be done when I get home. I got a little mad, I could have helped him, but he shut me out. He did the same thing when the old dog died last year. He didn't even want me out in the woods with him when he dug the hole. I went out there anyway, he didn't like it, but I was there.
I don't want to go home mad, but right now I am real upset. I feel like I can't talk to him. He still sits in front of the TV every night. Sex is still about once a month. I stopped bugging him about the sex a long time ago, but this today really upset me.
Is this a total communication problem? How do you try to communicate with someone who shuts you out on things except day to day stuff? I am hurting over the loss of this dog, she was special to me, but he acts like I had nothing to do with her. Any comments will be appreciated
My first response to this is...if you have to ask if you have a communication problem...you probably do.
I have one obvious question here for you....and I'm sorry to hear about your dog, I know how that hurts.
Did you tell your H you would like to help bury your dog? If not, he truly may have thought he was sparing you some pain. So to answer your question, IMHO, yes...you have a communication problem.
From what you posted I interpereted it to be he was trying to be helpful, especially if you didn't say..."honey I want to be there to help bury our dog, it will make me feel much better to help do that." He's not going to assume doing this would make you feel better, or help you heal. And asking if he was waiting for you to come home before he did this...still isn't stating "I want to help". This, to me anyway...would still sound like a hint that you would want it done before you get home. But that's just my take on it.
A year ago one of our beloved cats died (feline leukemia) it really tore me up, my H was really attached to her too. He made sure she was buried in a good spot before I came home (we too live in the country)....it was his way of trying to be helpful for me.
So don't be angry at him for what he did...I am almost positive what he did came from a good place in his heart, and that he was thinking of your well-being when he did it. He, I'm sure, didn't intend to hurt or anger you.
Yes, I told him I wanted to be there to help. Said he didn't want any help, same thing he did with the other dog. It didn't hurt so much with the other one cause he was really old and could hardly get around, we made the plans to put him to sleep and spent time with him. With this one, it was pretty fast. It just hit me that he was shutting me out. Again. thanks
Annette: I'm sorry about your pup. It's always hard to see them go. I, too, think that this was probably his way of "sparing you." Also, he may have needed to do this by himself so he could be alone with the dog for the last time. I know that when I buried various dogs, I always wanted to be alone so that I could bawl my eyes out.
Beyond that, however, I agree with GEL that you probably have a communication problem. Only one cure for that. Communicate.
Ok...then have you said anything to him about shutting you out? I know quite a bit has happened recently and it's tough to lose a loved one like that...but have you said anything to your hubby about this?
I occasionally have to let my H know now that he's shutting me out. He doesn't tend to do it on purpose, he just sometimes shifts back into the comfy old-habit mode of doing that when he's hurting or has a lot on his mind.
Annette... You and your H are both hurting and are dealing with this loss in different ways. Your H probably wants to tune out more and not get into too much feeling talk. He took care of the burial, which he probably felt was the manly thing to do. You probably want to talk about this loss more, but H may be uncomfortable with that. Going through stress really can bring out differences in communication styles that men and women have.
Maybe you can write down a few words and read them with H at the burial site. I'm sorry for your loss.
Annette I am sorry for your loss. I can see why you would be upset. My husband to tends to shut me out. So I can understand why this would make you mad. I would let him know that he hurt your feelings.
I agree he may need to handle his emotions in a different way. But to shut you out on something you wanted to be a part of and expressed a need to be a part of is rude.
Quote: Also, he may have needed to do this by himself so he could be alone with the dog for the last time.
I have to agree with HD on this one. That and a little male ego and pride. Personally, I have a hard time burying our animals, but it’s been something I’ve had to do since I was in the eighth grade. It’s very emotional and I frequently cry throughout the process (like I am now as I’m thinking about it). I don’t have any problem with crying – I’m just telling you that to help to illustrate that burying one of the animals is very emotional. I won’t try to psychoanalyze myself here to try to explain WHY it’s that way, but when I’m burying one of them, it’s just something I want to do alone.
Strangely enough, this discussion about burying animals may actually lead to another improvement in my M. I’ve never considered that W might want to be there. Although I freely admit that I want to do it alone, there is also a part of me that was thinking that I was somehow sparing W the pain that I was going through during the burials. Just like telling W that I don’t care where we eat seemed like I was being considerate and letting her pick what she wanted. This group made me see that she was hearing that I was disengaged and indifferent. Now I’m seeing that I’ve been seeing what I felt (that I wanted to be alone), but not considering what W might want (to say goodbye).
In any case, Annette, cut him some slack. It’s difficult. There are a lot of raw emotions right near the surface and it’s sometimes a lot easier to be alone. Just tell him how you feel and that you want to be there to say goodbye. Ask him to include you next time. But since you didn’t specifically ask to be present, give him the benefit of the doubt. He may well think that he’s protecting you.
Quote: Yes, I told him I wanted to be there to help. Said he didn't want any help, same thing he did with the other dog.
Annette, fellow petlover {{{hugs}}} for your loss. I think there is miscommunication. When you said you wanted to help, I'm guessing that you weren't necessarily indicating that you wanted to shoulder a shovel and dig, but that you wanted to be there for the process, both as a comforter and as a griever. Your husband probably thought only of "help" as a part of the physical labor involved.
When he said he didn't want any help, a further statement explaining that you wanted to be there so that you could feel and/or express your sense of loss would have been clearer. If he attempted to stake claim to being alone during the process, then pointing out that you have been impacted by this loss as well would have been a next step.
If you made it clear that you wanted to be there for yourself and not just as an assistant in the labor and he chose to circumvent or ignore that, then you do have a clearer cut issue.
annette, so sorry for the loss of your doggie. We buried our beloved Jessica two years ago out in the country at my house and I even said Kaddish for her! The other day I dreamed about her, that I picked her up and carried her. I still miss her so much.
You wrote
Quote: So I asked him if he was waiting for me to get home so I could help him take the box out where she would be burried. He said no, it would be done when I get home.
At that point, what did you say? To me, just from the way you recounted it, that would have been the place to say, "Wait for me. Don't put her in the ground, or at least don't cover her until I can get there to say goodbye." Then he could still sit there and cry privately until you got there.
But when he said, "No, the job will be done when you get home," what did you say? Or did he just say that and hang up before you got a chance to say anything?
I think those of you who are cutting him some slack about making it easier on annette are being too kind. Sure he's feeling bad, but did he give a thought to what her preference might be? Yeahm she could have said something, but he could have asked, too. Surely after this happened with the first dog, annette let him know she wanted to be included in the funeral process.
OTOH I have read some true horror stories about people's misguided efforts to be "helpful" and spare others a painful experience. One story was about a woman whose husband died. When she got home from the funeral, some of her female relatives had cleaned out his closet and gone through the house removing his possessions. It was as if he had never been there! The things people do to keep someone else from hurting---!
I, too, think that this was probably his way of "sparing you." Also, he may have needed to do this by himself so he could be alone with the dog for the last time. I know that when I buried various dogs, I always wanted to be alone so that I could bawl my eyes out.
