Well....I called him and he does remember talking to me. H said that he hates me and doesn't think that he can love me. I don't know where this all comes from. We had been getting along well and not Bam! It hurts a lot! What now?
You know what? Even if he HAD been asleep, having such vicious words running through his subconscious is creepy. Having them run through his conscious is beyond creepy.
I wish I had some good advice. I got nuthin! I just hope that your heart knows that he is playing cruel games with you that don't reflect your value.
Well what can I say other than the use of obsenities when they are directed at you HURT alot. I can sometimes be accused of having a bad mouth, but I NEVER aim the curse words at someone...I remember very early on when I met my H and he called me the C word...I was PISSED! Never again in the 14 yrs I have known him has he used that word again, thank god. I agree with anna in that he is not liking your detachment and is taking it out on you when he talks to you...But what bothers me the most is that when you called to tell him about his D1 that should of been what he focused on in the convo...Not that you are or are not a C (which I know that you are not). He should of been thankful that even told him about what happened with your D. If you didnt tell him he would of been pissed at that...Right now unfortunately you cannot win with him...Let him stew in his own juices right now..He is not happy that you are detaching. So tough on him...Are you supposed to just accept that he is with OW????? I dont think so! Keep your chin up and keep working on yourself...Let H live with the fact that he didnt care enough about his damn daughter to rush over in concern for her....GEEZ!
I was reflecting on this event last night while I was out. The only thing I can figure is that H is filling himself with negative thoughts about you, perhaps to justify what he's involved in. It struck me that he lashed out, as if things were penting up inside him.
I think if you go dark a while, see if he gets to regretting his indefensible obscene attack on you. It's not uncommon for people to soon regret how they reacted and are apologetic. I think also, he needs to know, in a firm but kind non-argumentative way, that such language is absolutely not acceptable.
I agree with what you said about the language not being acceptable and I do agree that he must have a lot of things built up and that his negative reaction might be to justify in what he is involved in. I just find it so difficult to understand. The conversation that we had was regarding our D not to just chit chat. I did speak to H last night and he said that he wasn't feeling very well and that he is sorry for treating me like that. In my head I was thinking that he has a lot of frusteration built up. I did say that the names he called me and the way that he spoke to me was not acceptable. I understand that he didn't feel well but that is not a reliable excuse. I told him that arguing is not going to get us anywhere and that we will have to communicate for at least 17 more years so why do it in an argumentive fashion. H agreed but I still sense frusteration. I do still love my H but I know that he is not where I need him right now so that does make it easier to detach a little more everyday. To be honest with all of you I am having the hardest time ever. My family wants me to divorce him and I feel that the decision is mine alone. I feel like I am going through enough right now that I do not deserve to have my family harping on me. If and when I am ready I will do what I feel is right. I hate going through all of this torment....I think that I need to DB my family...lol! I am not rying to sound "weird" but I really don't know what my purpose is anymore. I know to be a good mommy for my D1 but I feel that she can sense what is going on. This might sound silly but I wonder what have I done so wrong in life that I have my H being an a*s and now my family...especially my mom. I don't know what to do now...Please help me to decide....I wish my H would change but I doubt it. Any info would be appreciated
We don't know what's going on in H's head, and maybe he'll look at his recent actions and sooner or later decide that he's gotten ugly, not being a stand-up guy, and has got to change himself for the better... but until then, if that happens...
Actually, you may be helping make that happen, now that I think about it.
It's good that you took a stand, and spoke to him about this. By so doing, you may appeal to his inner nobility by throwing the challenge in front of him.
Now we all know that family and friends form narrow opinions on our WASs, and seek their relief from your pain by advising you to divorce and move on. Just as WAS have their manual, and LBS have ours, it seems family and friends have theirs too.
Perhaps the way to go about them is to validate them, and let them know you'd rather not discuss this anymore, as this is something that you have to decide for yourself, and would appreciate their love and support with whatever way you wish to proceed. Especially mom. Moms don't want to see their kids in pain. So, yes, DB them.
You wonder what you've done so wrong in life that H has been an ass? Not a thing.
BlondeQT- I've been feeling this way too, about my family. They are all adamant that I should D my H. It's a lot of pressure, especially from my sister, because I think she thinks I'm not respecting myself to let H treat me this way. Between trying to figure out what everyone thinks and feels, it's become pretty hard to hear my own thoughts. H loves to tell me I'm delusional and live in a fantasy world so that doesn't help me feel like I can think clearly. So I rely heavily on family and friends for support and to help me sort things out. They all think I should not have to carry the weight by myself. So, I totally understand where you're coming from on that one...
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
There are moments! I know my family is deeply disappointed at my H's choices, and hearing my devastation has taken its toll on them. Have you tried explaining DB to them? I've explained it to my family, and even though they often get frustrated that I'm not putting my foot down to H more (seeing the kids, being a friend etc) they express themselves, then ask what DBing says about it. I'll tell them and they are dubious, but have faith due to the positive changes they see in me. I guess they don't believe in H, but they do believe in me.
Your family loves you... but it's human nature to want to know how the story ends. They want a resolution. And the path we are all on offers no shortcuts to a happy ending. The fact that they are so adamant for D shows that they love you - they suffer when you suffer. Maybe if they understand that you have a long-term goal in mind. That your changes have a good chance of inspiring changes in your H, then they'll lay off.
It's very understandable that they don't want you to be married to this version of your H. But if you offer the possibility of an improved H?
Kiss that little D for me. My son is 1 too, and it's a magical age.
Well....Things are weird today. Last night I spoke to h and at the end of our conversation he said that he would love to move home and get along. I didn't know how to take that. H had a softball game last night and he told me that it was at 7 and finding out this morning from him it was realy at 9. I asked him why he lied and he said that he didn't want me going down there. I have never gone down to one of his games nor would I if I wasn't invited.
