I admire your guts on directly asking your wife about BF and baby. I don't know if I could have asked for fear that the answer was yes to both. I'm so happy for you that it was no and that she took it so well. Sounds like a good interaction. Sounds like you've got a great attitude.
Won't say much more because tonight is a night where I'm very pessimistic and jaded so wouldn't be able to provide anything useful. Keep up the good work.
La
P.S. Stop by my thread and prop me up. I need some of that positive vibes.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Juls! Hey, girl! Great to see you back on the BB! Aw shucks!! Thank you.(And no, I'm not sending out glamour shots to hot babes on the web. We exchanged pics of our families. ) Hey, I'll be back in the house in August, then Party On, Wayne! On a serious side, I truly appreciate your prayers and have been remembering you and the other folks on this BB in my own.
M, Juls and LA, believe me, I was shocked too about the possible BF and baby, and it took some major resolve to ask her, but my take has always been to point out the pink elephant that's hiding under the rug rather than be untrue to myself and pretend its not there. So I asked.
No major interactions with W yesterday. We passed each other in the hallway, and I was sporting a great new sporty shirt that is much more form-fitting than what I've worn in the past. She noticed. Unfortunately, she also noticed the bags under my eyes - had a late night at work, and bad dreams kept me up at night. Saw that she was looking unusually thoughtfully at my face as we passed one time. I just smiled, said 'hi' and went on. It may be that she takes my tiredness as a good thing rather than thinking 'yuck!', as she has this intense Midwestern work ethic thing going. Sounds like she's trying to break herself of that a bit, which is nice.
Six days 'til D day. Need to really jack up that PMA in preparation. As a nice continuance of friendship with her despite the D, I ordered a nice waterfall/soundsoother thingy that she might use in her office or bedroom. I figured her condo will be a lot noisier than our house is (closer neighbors/joined walls) and this might help her sleep. Am also hoping to get her a spa gift certificate from S5 and I. The woman continues to look like she's aging quickly. A mutual friend noted that she looks years older now. Why can't WASs see the truth about their decision?
LA, I have some comments on your sitch, but your thread got chomped by the lock-monster! Open a new one, would you? Hang in there, and I'll be over to spew advice when you set up shop.
I know you are being sweet, but why are you buying her gifts? Shouldn't you be buying something for yourself??? I would agree that it seems like this is taking a toll on your wife, but she alone has the power to stop it. Have you ever asked her to just put it on hold for a year? I recently asked my husband that and was suprised that he did not say no. He said he'd think about it. Granted, he has not filed yet, but still, it might be possible especially if she is feeling like she may be having a change of heart but believes she can't go back or stop it. I don't know, Gabe but it might be worth a shot. The only thing she can say is no. M
Dude, are you posting beefcake shots for all the girls? Must be working for ya, though! Know any good photographers I could sit for? Just bustin' your onions, bro.
I just wanted to tell you good job on handling that little scare you had w/ your W. I don't think I could've pissed (sorry Jo, I mean urinate) on S4's furniture because I would have already wet myself. Anyway, you handled that sitch w/ real class and it shows you got a set of brass ones.
I'm sorry to hear about the impending D-Day. Just remember your own advice to everybody else here, It's Only A Piece Of Paper. I really like your analogy of rooting for the underdog (i.e. Us) and the 20% of couples that remarry following a D. I want to be part of that minority. I wonder why sometimes, but I do. (You and I both know why because we've talked about it)
Thanks for the WOA on my thread. I wasn't too torn up over things, but you're right, I can be hard on myself.
Quote: The woman continues to look like she's aging quickly. A mutual friend noted that she looks years older now. Why can't WASs see the truth about their decision?
I see the same things in my W. When coupled w/ her concerns about her age and the visible changes, makes me wonder what she gained from all of this.
As far as the gifts for Mother's Day, don't go overboard as bad as you want to. Remember, you can't buy the WAS's love. I was thinking of getting a flower arrangement from the K's to my W and letting them sign the card. I am planning to send a card with a note. No R stuff trust me. My W has been questioning herself as a mother and I am just going to write something that validates her as a mother with no other sentiments. No "Love, Bulldog". Just validating her and let her know she is appreciated and that I'm honoring her on that day. Do you have any other ideas? I don't know, a spa package is a great gesture, I'm just worried that you might be exposing yourself (no, not like that) too much.
Gabe, if you need a friendly ear to talk to as you get close to or past the D, email me at bulldogr@lamar.colostate.edu and we'll exchange contact info. I'll be glad to listen and I'll probably need the same support as my D is close at hand as well. I just don't know when.
I posted on my thread and wanted to stop in and say hello. I am usually up to date on your sitch even though I can't post, however; my modem isn't working so I had to get caught up on your present sitch. Forgive me if I discuss things that are now part of your past.
I think the situation with wife and the BF and the baby was great. It seemed to me that wife wanted you to be well aware that she is single and plans to stay that way for awhile.
As for your inlaws.....A lot of my marital problems were also because of in-laws. H constantly put them before us. Remember while we were married, H's brother stole from us and H wanted to give him a second chance. I knew this was a mistake and voiced my opinion about it while we were married. H defended his brother even though he knew deep down his brother was wrong. I knew his brother would steal from us again, but when he did this time, I let H bad mouth him and never said a word. It sounds like you are doing the same thing with your in-laws but I just wanted to remind you to never bad-mouth the inlaws - NEVER. Wife will realize their mistakes on her own without your help. Actually, if you bad mouth them in any way it will actually cause wife to defend them.
I see that you compliment wife on her mothering abilities. I think this is good because she seems a little insecure in this area from my speed reading through your posts. I think you come across as the better parent and this may make her feel insecure. Keep making her feel like she is the best mother out there.
About the divorce being put on hold....Tread very carefully with this advice because it could mess up all your hard DBing work. The day before my H put the divorce on hold, I called him and told him that we would not be speaking at all once the divorce was final and there was no chance of reconcilation ever. This was a very dangerous move, but it worked for me. H called the next day and put it on hold. The week prior to this happening, I became very distant and acted happy, happy. I don't recommend calling wife and giving this ultimatum but maybe going a little more dark could do some good.
Also, the gift thing could be good. I am pretty distant with H and when I do something that is on the pursuing side he really reacts more positively that I could ever imagine. This doesn't go along with the going dark advice so keep that in mind.
The advice I am giving in this post is just all over the place so take caution. I did all of these things at very different moments in my situation so everything is just things to think about.
I may be giving some really bad and controversial advice but I wanted to just throw some random thoughts out there. Maybe something will hit home for you.
I think a gift from your son is in good taste. If I might make a suggestion that really went over well for me with my ex (even though I wasn't DBing or wanting her back she really appreciated the gesture). First of all...no spa treatment. Too much like it's coming from you. Your son should be old enough to give him the money and let him pick. Better yet, if possible, let him do it with your wife. She can take him to the mall with the money you give him and he can shop for her. My ex thought it was very cool and appreciated the gifts more because they really came from the kids (with the help of my money). We were not close, but she made a point of telling me how much she appreciated getting to do that. I think that would put less pressure on the sitch and also would give you some brownies as the considerate guy you are. That's just my .02. Plus the kids really love doing that.
Anyway, I think we are in similar boats. Things seem to be going well, but the divorce train will not derail. I guess I need to give my situation time as do you. Hopefully the divorce train will veer off the tracks at the last moment. I wouldn't ask your wife to give it a year. Then it will make it obvious to her that you are going to hold out hope for the next year and she will never trust that you aren't just making nice to get her back. I personally think you'd have a better shot DBing after divorce than asking her to delay it. Just my humble opinion, for what it's worth.
I started a new thread.
La
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Thanks for posting, folks! Lots of nice, solid advice. It is wise to not go stir crazy and try to buy back W's affections just days before the D. Ain't gonna change anything. So I won't be going overboard with stuff. She received the relaxing waterfall/noisemaker thingy and said that she placed it in her office today. Seemed genuinely pleased.
However, then she switched gears, smiles and all, first checking in with me, noting that S5 asked MIL if she was "crazy" this weekend (he has my instincts about that! ), insinuating that I'm poisoning S5 toward them. I calmly noted that MIL isn't a topic when S5 and I are together as he doesn't bring her up (she's less important than she thinks), and that I don't do inappropriate things like that.
W is still in fullblown self-centered WAW mode. She was in tears on Sunday about having more time to spend as a mother with S5, cutting back on her workaholic, crowd-pleasing ways. Then today, she asked me if I'd be okay with getting cut out of a book-writing contract that she and I signed to write together, as "[she] needs the money and [I] don't." I merely smiled and listened. She also admitted that she's going to be teaching more this summer, and tied in a need to place S5 in more 'summer camps' to get all of this work in. This plain stinks. I let her know that I was commited to my work, and therefore my hands are tied in terms of custody and hours of coverage. I knew that her next move would be to try to guilt me into watching him for her instead of having him sit with a babysitter or in a summercamp, thus making it my choice rather than her decision to do this to him.
I realize that W is worried about finances, and in our conversation, W stated that she doesn't want to be dependent on anyone (read "me"). Any thoughts about this?
You continue to amaze me with your positive, upbeat attitude with everything. Wish you could pass some of that over my way! Was the waterfall gift that was given to your W from you or your son? I could not even imagine sending my H a gift these days, other than possibly a lump of coal! I wish that I had it in me to be nicer to him right now, but I am just too bitter and resentful... My H's B'day is coming up in the beginning of May and IF I do end up sending him a card in the mail it will be a sarcastic one I saw recently at the mall with a VERY old man on the front of the card holding a bowling ball (The man on the card has to be almost 90 yrs.old)... The reason being that I used to tease him when we were together b/c he is a big fan of bowling and I told him once that when he is old and retired, he can always spend his time on a bowling league... He didn't ever really like that comment too much, but I was thinking that in the inside of the card I could write something like: "Well, at least you will know what you might look like in about 40-50 yrs. from now," or "something to look forward to?"... The card in general with the old man will probably piss him off enough without the rude comment anyway... Your generosity to your W at this difficult time in your relationship with her makes me admire you so much more. Hopefully someday I will be able to look past my pain and realize that I just might be better off without him. I found it interesting that your W thought that perhaps you might have been talking down to your son about her parents. I do not know you all that well, but I do know that is something you would never do... It is just not your style and I think that deep down your W knows that about you. Just out of curiousity, was your W always so obsessed with work and making money when you two were together? Did you say that she was crying b/c she was afraid of having to spend more time with your son and not enough time at work? I think that I would cry the other way around! Too much work, not enough time with my child... Gabriel, I just want you to know what an amazing job I think you are doing as a father, a friend to your W, and just in general. I only wish that your W could see what she is missing out on BIG TIME!!!! If I knew her, I just might have to shake her a bit and say, "are you serious? do you know what you are honestly doing here? this man is too good to be true lady!!!"... I mean it, Gabriel... You are the bomb! Take it easy and have a good rest of the week... And, oh yeah... Get some sleep so you don't have to walk around the office with bags under your eyes!!! -Kim
Thank you.(And no, I'm not sending out glamour shots to hot babes on the web. We exchanged pics of our families. 
) Hey, I'll be back in the house in August, then Party On, Wayne! On a serious side, I truly appreciate your prayers and have been remembering you and the other folks on this BB in my own.
Why can't WASs see the truth about their decision? 
Open a new one, would you? 
Hang in there, and I'll be over to spew advice when you set up shop.