Brief review: Me: 37 W: 34 5yr Son Separated since 10/28/04. Signed D Papers 3/24/05, with D scheduled to be finalized on May 2, 2005.
Despite approaching D, continued babysteps in my sitch. W moved yo-yo-ing from less fearfulness and more friendliness, back to a fearful, reactive stance likely due to D effects. Yet there continue to be positive signs: No OP, W in therapy and starting to exercise, stable at work, W commenting about her free weekends to me, and us co-parenting frequently and positively, with both of us keeping S5 as a very high priority.
I bought W out of house last week, relieving her of significant financial worry/focus. She'll stay there with S5, renting from me til August or so. I'm staying focused on R and my GAL work, realizing that friendship with W is primary goal. I'm attempting to stay unconditionally loving in a detached manner, focusing on S5 and myself, while I hope that, with God's grace and my and W's hard self-work, that she and I heal enough for us to have a second chance at some point. Looking forward to renewing our vows at some point.
Gabriel- You have soooooooo many positives! Maybe W is starting to run so that in the near future you 2 can do it together.
She seems to be taking an interest in the things you like doing. Funny, seeing as how that is what H is doing as well.
Could also be a little bit of jealousy from all your GAL work you have been doing.
At any rate......keep it up! Things take time and you have a lot working in your favor. Quit worrying about the D....it is going to bring you back down and we don't want to see that...now STOP IT....lol
Wait a minute, that isn't such a great thing, is it? Not only that, that statement makes it sound like I have no PMA. Gosh, I'm being hard on myself!
Gabe, your recap sounds like good things and I'm glad you have found peace and patience. Remeber when you 1st started posting? You've come a long way, baby!!!
I think the best news is that your W is in therapy. For a while, I thought my W was going for counseling, but I don't think she is currently. She seems lost and has made repeated comments about searching for what it is that makes her happy. Nothing I can do to help her. She needs to learn that hapiness comes from w/in, and I don't think my W likes or loves herself, so not a lot of room for me. Frustrating to say the least. Although, like you, I have seen some baby steps. Mostly, I see a lot of the step forward, step back variety.
Anyway, I think you have everything in proper perspective and I am trying to follow your lead.
Gabriel: You seem to have this whole DB'ing protocol down to a science. I am envious. I do have one question: how do you detach in a way that allows your wife her space and does not allow her to believe that you are ready to not be in her life anymore? I am so afraid that if he sees me "moving on" "getting a life" he will say, See, she doesn't really need me. She can get along just fine without me." I know I could eventually build a life of my own, I just don't want to. I love him and what we have/had. I do not want to give up on him or us. Please explain. Thanks for your time. M
Quote: Maybe W is starting to run so that in the near future you 2 can do it together.
Lost, would you get your mind out of the sack for just a little?! Rather than her trying to make herself more similar to me, I think she's finding old interests that she's lost along the way - interests that she discovered long ago when we first met and fell in love. Maybe she's seeing if they still fit?
Kevin wrote:
Quote: I'm #2!! I'm #2!! I'm #2!! I'm #2!! Wait a minute, that isn't such a great thing, is it? Not only that, that statement makes it sound like I have no PMA. Gosh, I'm being hard on myself!
'Nuf said! Kevin, I do take her therapy as a good sign, although we all know that IC and MC can actually hurt a M, this one seems over, and all that is left is to focus on the R. I'm taking a "leap of faith" mentality with it. Kevin also wrote:
Quote: Gabe, your recap sounds like good things and I'm glad you have found peace and patience. Remeber when you 1st started posting? You've come a long way, baby!!!
Its been a long, grueling learning curve, but well worth the effort - for me, for my R with S5, and hopefully, this growing friendship with W.
M wrote:
Quote: how do you detach in a way that allows your wife her space and does not allow her to believe that you are ready to not be in her life anymore? I am so afraid that if he sees me "moving on" "getting a life" he will say, See, she doesn't really need me. She can get along just fine without me."
M, I think it depends on the sitch, but when you have a proud, pompous WAS not willing to own their responsibility in the R's problems, there is a need to 1) make significant improvements in yourself (physical, occupational/financial (may be stability here too, or better budgeting), social, spiritual; 2) keep things light with the WAS (not so heavy/serious/R focused; and 3)drop the rope (GAL work, creating mystery, experiencing life w/out the WAS with them 'discovering' some of this). Its a longterm process - you have to be willing to let this play out over several months or even years, trusting that you're going to be just fine without them. Have the mindset that the loss of the R is their HUGE loss and that you'll survive. Don't focus on what you're losing, focus on what you can gain if H responds to your positive changes and you two can then share a beautified R. If you are mourning the past R, maybe take a second or third look at it and be blunt with yourself. What sucked about it? What did you accept that lowered your selfworth? Start devising or dreaming up your dream R with him or someone else and create your 'half' of that within yourself, and truly expect to draw the other half to you.
Wow!!! What a great perspective and approach. You have given me a lot to think about. I never realized how much I was trying to hold on to the past relationship and trying to fix "it" and not focusing on the kind of relationship I want with him in the future!!! Wow!!!! I have been doing a lot of self-reflection about what sucked about our relationship and have decided it was because I was so BORING!!! I can see that I had become very one-dimensional. I lost myself and started living entirely in his shadow. I no longer was me: the loud, vivacious, out-going person I was years ago. I guess motherhood transformed me more than I realized. I believed that as long as we had a great sex life (which we did) everything would be okay. But again, I became a shell of myself. So now that the tears have dried up (for the most part) I have been going out, having fun, learning new things, etc. I have lost about 47 lbs. ( I look great) and feel great. I know that he has noticed because he has commentted on the physical change. I guess he can't really trust the psychological changes yet. Your advice was great. I will be more future-oriented now. Thank you so very, very much. M
I'm glad it made some sense. You've made some great changes. Congratulations on that. How have you been celebrating these changes? Gone dancing? Sexier clothes? Yep, the present and future are where it's at. The past is history.
A brief shout-out: Ioavva, where are you? When are you going to open up a thread?
You missed me already!? What would I do without my favourite arch angel? (Joke).
I haven't been posting on my sitch because I'm not seeing H till Friday so there's nothing to write on the R, but I have read yours and was about to reply, except I replied to jdd first because he was in a bad way.
Definitely into sexier clothes! Nothing sleazy just cute. The great thing is that I actully think I feel better than he does. He is so mopey and depressed. I know he is wracked with guilt and that this whole thing is weighing on him. I want to share all of my progress with him and bring him to where I am. I want to be independently married. Not an emotional burden to him. I want to want him more than I need him and vice-versa. All I have to do is stay motivated when I don't get the kind of response or progress I want to see. That is going to be so hard, but I believe that it is worth it, he is worth it. Thanks again, Gabriel. M
Maybe W is starting to run so that in the near future you 2 can do it together. 
Kevin, I do take her therapy as a good sign, although we all know that IC and MC can actually hurt a M, this one seems over, and all that is left is to focus on the R. I'm taking a "leap of faith" mentality with it.