Well it's one thing for the b*** OW and H to talk 10 times a day on his cell phone - doesn't matter to me since I've mastered my snooping urges and haven't checked his cell phone or email for weeks. But why did I have to come home today after a crappy day (this morning he mentions dropping off his housing application for grad school - oh, yeah, since you won't be living here anymore) and see her f*** name and number my new HOME phone (which has caller I.D., which I didn't before)????? What kind of nerve is that? And I can't say ANYTHING to him, right? My hand was trembling as I resisted the urge to call the number on the caller i.d. and cuss her out - seems like my right since she has the nerve to call my HOME PHONE! Of course, for all I know, she could have been calling here forever and I just didn't know because I didn't have caller i.d. But God, I am not good at faking my emotions and he's going to be able to tell I'm upset but I can't say anything about it, right?
Somebody, PLEASE stop me from calling this b**** and cussing my H out at the same time!!!! Stupid of me to think about "respect" in this crazy context, or "stepping over the line" when all the wrong lines have been crossed, but I really feel invaded somehow....
I know what you mean. I have a similar situation that I just found about yesterday.
I moved out of town for a new job at the end of Feb., H was supportive of the move all the way. Now he's been very cold and distant. No interest in trying to heal the R. Told me I need to get a new cell phone since the out of area roaming charges are murder. I went to log into the cell account to see my average monthy minute usage so I knew what new plan to buy. The password had been changed. So I called the cell co. Turns out he had changed the address the bill was being sent to so they wouldn't give me the password. I called again a few days later and the nice lady gave me the password. I loged in. The bills are going to his parents house (no big deal). Well....
I'm scrolling through Feb/s bill. Keep seeing this number I don't recognize come up, and then notice the calls are at all hours of the day, even at 2 am! For anywhere from 15 to 171 minutes at a time. One day was 14x HE called the numer. So I like any curious person going through a WAS and emotionally distant spouse called the number. It was some GIRL! And he had been calling her daily for hours at a time before I even moved out of twon for the job. (and the kicker is, before he started calling her, he was excited about moving with me!)
Of course I seethed (and still do with jealousy). He called later and during our convo asked, 'So What did you want with T?" (I called at what would have been about 10 am their time) I asked, "Who's T?" He repled, "The dogsitter." I then said 'If that's so why do you need to talk to her at 2 am for two hours?" He said she's just a friend he can talk to about all this.....(like she's a non-biased ear....)
Well later I thought, "How'd he know I was wondering who T was?" So I asked him. He said that she got a phone call with a number she didn't recognize and called him to ask what my phone number was. Does he really think I'm THAT stupid? He was probably right there next to her and noticed my number came up. Really, how many of us would call someone else up and ask 'Do you know who this might be?'
But I am so trying to refrain from aling her and telling her off too. I keep picking up the phone and dialing her number, and hitting end before I actually press send. I hurt, because now I know why he doesn't want to work on our realtionship, he's checked out and found someone else that is feeding his emotional/ego needs.
trust me. Doing it will only anger him, and push him further away. Plus when it comes down to it, what will it really solve? Other than make you feel better for a short period of time. Plus, you have to think, with what you say to her, how is she going to twist it around in her favor to your H? And do you really want to lower yourself like that?
I wonder if the phone co. can block certain phone numbers from calling into your house? Might ask....can't hurt.
Keep from calling, I know it's hard. Man is it ever. A friend of mine told me to stick the phone in the freezer...(not that I did, but I thought it was funny)
Hang in there. My thoughts are with you, maybe we can give each other strength on this.
I know how you both must feel.The middle of last year, I found out that my H was making phone calls to a "friend" almost daily since 2001. I don't know if I did the right thing, but I confronted him. He says it was "nothing". They are just friends. Of course, I didn't believe him and I just couldn't deal with it, and we separated in January. (I threw him out). I did this because he wouldn't stop calling and she wouldn't either. I couldn't deal with being treated this way. I wasn't snooping everything just sort of "came out in the wash". It was funny it was as if the number just popped out a cell phone bill file folder when I was paying bills. His behavior and words gave him away as well. I sensed he continued to make calls to her, and my last resort was to separate from him. I was so angry at that time that I didn't care if I ever saw him again. I don't think I can ever believe anything that he says. There were so many signs in the past, but I couldn't quite get it. Sometimes I just wonder if even putting any effort at all is worth saving this marriage? I called her and confronted her as well. Now he says she is mad at him because she is afraid I will tell her Husband. What is she so afraid of if they are just "friends"! I probably have reacted in all the wrong ways but I was mad as hell. I'm willing to learn to be cheerful, patient, take care of myself etc., etc. etc. It just seems I've been that way for much too long. I'm tired of being the nice one.
Hi Busting - just remember the DB catchcry - "will this bring us closer or further apart?" and you know the answer to that one!!
There have been many many times I've wanted to call or speak to The Goddess (I've also contemplated spraypainting 'husband stealer' on her house and car, calling her parents or her boss and telling them she's a home wrecker, poisoning all her camelias - the list just goes on) but you know what - I haven't - because that would not be appropriate DB behaviour!! And in the cold hard light of day I'm glad I haven't done any of those things I've felt compelled to from time to time because it would only reflect on me.
Don't call Busting. You don't need to - you've got you and your marriage to take care of, you don't need to deal with her as well.
Thinking of you
Aussie Girl
Life is what happens when you are busy making plans
Busting, it won't do you any good if you call her. You'll vent and feel good for all of five seconds. Then she'll shoot back an earful maybe and tell you stuff, true or not, that will make you ache in pain for the next five years. Then she'll call H, and complain to him about you, and H will get pissed at you too, and then they'll draw closer together to fight the evil W... same advice I'm giving Mel: IGNORE HER. She doesn't exist. You exist. Focus on you. She's just a blip on the radar.
okay, okay - I was pretty sure I wasn't going to call her....but I have to admit I jumped for the phone every time it rang today to check the caller i.d. in case she called so I could answer and cuss her out - thankfully, she didn't call - but CAN I cuss her out if she calls when I'm here? Please, please?
H could tell last night I was miserable - this morning he hugged me and said he was sorry I had a bad day yesterday. I was vague as to why and he let it go - that does bother me a bit - not him but that behavior with DBing - that a huge complaint of his was that I didn't talk to him enough or open up enough to him - but in DBing I'm not supposed to talk about R - but it's R that's the problem that is making me miserable, and when he asks me directly I have to be vague, which is "more of the same" for me - ? Am I making this too complicated? It really does concern me.
But back to petty stuff - I may need to work on jumping to check the caller i.d. just like I had to work on checking his cell phone - wish me luck! THANK YOU so much for the moral support!!!!
If OW calls, it will not do you any good to "cuss" her out. Like NY said, you very likely could be doing more damage to your R than to OW. Is that something you want to risk? Things are already bad enough, right? Why make it any worse?
I understand your feelings of "invasion". When I made my H make the "it's over" call to OW, he was about to use our house phone, but I quickly said, "Don't you DARE call her from my house! Use your cell!" With everyone having caller ID these days, I did not want OW knowing our home number.
I know we're not supposed to have R talks either, but if you really feel that this is an intrusion (it seems clear that you do), then IMO, you should GENTLY and CALMLY express your feelings about it to your H. Let him know how uncomfortable the sitch is for you, and how you'd appreciate it very much if OW didn't call the home number again.
That's just my 2 cents.
JV
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
that does bother me a bit - not him but that behavior with DBing - that a huge complaint of his was that I didn't talk to him enough or open up enough to him - but in DBing I'm not supposed to talk about R - but it's R that's the problem that is making me miserable, and when he asks me directly I have to be vague, which is "more of the same" for me - ? Am I making this too complicated? It really does concern me.
It may very well be that you being communicative is a 180 of your relationship pattern with him, but that's when you're in a committed relationship and NOT dealing with an affair. So you have to incorporate that little annoying fact of life into DB, and that means, NO relationship talk. Be communicative about other things.
CAN I cuss her out if she calls when I'm here? Please, please?
I wouldn't advise answering the phone. Look, this has got you on pins and needles every time the phone rings, or everytime you check to see if the phone rang. How can I put this? OK, so... there's this OP. Now if that OP had died ten years ago, there would be another OP. There, that's succinct. It's not really about the OP, they're interchangeable. They're fed the revision history by the WAS, so they see themselves as white knights (knightessess?) rescuing poor, poor WAS from the evil ogre. So, why play into that and cuss her out and actually live the part, at least for the duration of the phone call, of the evil ogre and make the OP believe the WAS's horror story even more so? Aside from gushing your feeling by venting, which only has a superficial relief period of a few minutes anyway, what GOOD comes out of that, I ask you?
Oh no.....I slipped big time. I dropped in for a not so suprize visit. He wasn't home. I went to take a nap since I had been up since 7:15 the previous day. I turned back the sheets and there were hairs on my pillow that did not belong to me. There were hairs all over my master bathroom that did not belong to me. There were two used towels in the master bath and one of them did not smell like my husband's shampoo......
I freaked. I called the OW. And left her a voice mail: 'Hi T, this is N S, E's wife. How many times have you been sleeping in my bed, and how many times have you used my maaster bath?!? Stay the hell out of my house.'
I had been trying to reach him most of the morning. Sure enough 5 mins after I left her that voice mail he finally called me back.
I also called his parents to let them know he's not the perfect little injured angle he's been letting everyone believe.
Wow did I screw up....... Now how to get out of the mess I caused?
Ooops - all I can say is clearly I sympathize. I REALLY REALLY screwed up at the begining of all this - after I found out about H's PA I forwarded a sexy email from OW to H to about 6 of his closest friends....thankfully I discovered DBing and got a bit more control - but as you can see from the beginning of this thread it's touch and go at any moment for my emotional state...How did your H react? I told my H I was sorry and that my behavior frightened me - it really was out of character for me - I've apologized several times and just asked him not to judge those hysterical acts given the context. I don't really know how he feels about what I did, but I do feel some respect for myself because I apologized and owned the actions but didn't demean myself - and I totally understand the state I was in and forgave myself -
I called her and confronted her as well. Now he says she is mad at him because she is afraid I will tell her Husband. What is she so afraid of if they are just "friends"! I probably have reacted in all the wrong ways but I was mad as hell. I'm willing to learn to be cheerful, patient, take care of myself etc., etc. etc. It just seems I've been that way for much too long. I'm tired of being the nice one. 