Lillieperl, here’s a response to your question. I moved this over here because I have a feeling its going to be a long post!
Quote:
Quote: various things I tried as a means to explore and develop my own sexuality
Like what? Sounds interesting.
One of my first ‘experiments’ was to analyze my own sex drive. I did this by following my own thought processes leading up to a moment when I felt like initiating sex with H. (I must thank Corri for first making this suggestion to me). It wasn’t easy being brutally honest with myself, but I knew I had to do it. I found that I would initiate sex for various reasons:
1. I was horny.
2. I was feeling good about myself/us and wanted to share that with him and make a connection.
3. I was feeling shaky about us and wanted to restore the connection, and feel better by having him ML to me.
4. I was feeling needy and I wanted to see if I could get him interested, for the challenge of it, and for an ego boost.
5. I was feeling like I needed to measure up. The whole world is having sex, I need to do it too.
Doing this exercise helped me in many ways. First off, I could see that one of the reasons H initiated sex a lot less than me was because, in his book, reason 1 is the only good reason to initiate sex. I also found that I am actually physically horny about once a month (a lot LESS than him). Reason 2 is a good enough reason to initiate sex, but there are better ways (from his viewpoint) of making the connection. Reasons 3-5 are crappy reasons to initiate sex.
Once I sorted through the physical and emotional aspects of my sex drive, I was able to tone down my anxiety, self-soothe better and communicate better. As a result of this, my sex drive seems to actually be lower because I no longer initiate under situations 3-5. I now work through those feelings in other ways. I think that #3 can justifiably be a good reason, but I have decided that it is not the case in our situation, that I need to self-soothe through those feelings and restore the connection in other ways before I look for the sexual connection.
Okay, now I’m starting to repeat myself, so I’ll move on.
One thing that always confused me was the fact that when asked, H would say that he would like to have sex once or twice a week, but he could and would go for months without. When I pressed him further (there are details in my very first thread, I think), he would say that he didn’t enjoy the emotional shenanigans associated with sex. H is a very giving person by nature, and has always been a skilled and considerate lover. He didn’t know how to selfishly take or ask for what he wanted. For the longest time, I just didn’t get this.
When it finally hit me, I decided to try an experiment where I tried to experience sex as a purely physical experience myself. It turned out that I enjoy it too – but not if it is the only kind of sex we are having. The obvious solution is to mix it up and that is what we do now. We have some quickies, we have some emotionally connected sessions and we have some raunchy ones. It depends on both our moods, and he is very considerate of my feelings on this. It seems rather obvious now, but H and I were both sexually immature and inexperienced, so it took a lot of work for us to get to this point. If I am actually horny, I make it a point to let him know because he waits rather eagerly for that “Allrighty, lets go, baby”.
What else?
Another major issue for me was self-esteem. I am a successful professional, and have always been a bit of an over-achiever. But when it came to my appearance, I’ve never been too confident. I was a chubby kid growing up. Not fat, and certainly not obese, but never slender. Call it unfair social expectations, or what have you, but I grew up feeling slightly invisible physically. When I met H and fell head over heels in love with him, and realized that he worshipped my body, it was a sort of relief. Who cared if the world didn’t think I was beautiful? He certainly does. So when the sex started becoming scarce and he started to reject me, there was a little girl inside who was crushed.
I’ve had to let her grow up, and hold myself accountable for how I look and feel. I still have some weight to lose, but I don’t let that affect my sexual confidence or how I feel about myself.
There are other things that were at play, relationship-wise, and I had to work on those aspects as well. However, I think working on my sexuality has been very helpful. H has remarked more than once that ‘that book’ (I don’t he realizes that I’ve read more than one!) has helped me discover my own sexuality.
Julie33. Good post. It helps me understand some of the internal hangups some women and BB, might have about displaying sexyness. I seem to gotten mixed signals for so many years and only now can maybe connect some of those mixed signals to possible internal feelings or fears.
Julie, What an interesting thing to do and what good info came out of it!
Most of my desire is physical-based, although I have dabbled in #4, for sure. Mostly #1 and 2. My H says I'm vain because when I look nice, the anticipation that HE will think I look nice actually makes me horny. This is true, but I'm not sure it's vanity at work. Maybe.
If I were to do the same introspection that you did, I suspect I would find that my horniness needs to be more H-focused and less throbbing-in-the-bits focused. He definitely makes me horny but I think I need to make sure that I package it in a way that is palatable to him, while not watering it down so much that it does nothing for either of us.
That was an interesting experiment you did. I certainly have done some 2,3,4 and 5 in my time. Actually the worst case scenario, IMO, is when you want to have sex for reason 2 but then you get rejected and segue into wanting to do it for reasons 3 and 4 because the rejection made you feel needy and shakey about the relationship. But mostly I initiate for reason 1 though I would break reason 1 down into a few categories.
1a) Flat-out physically horny- find myself halfway to the female equivalent of a hard-on for no particular reason as I'm going through my daily routine.
1b) Restless, antsy, cranky and if I ask myself why I know it's because I haven't had sex in a while.
1c) The mind then the body- I put on a sexy shirt or I hear a sexy song or I read a sexy passage in a book or I see my H without a shirt and I start thinking about sex and how nice it would be to have some in some very specific ways.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
1d) Stressed out and need a physical and mental release.
This is the one that probably bothers my husband the most, since I am a sahm and have a ton of stress going on all the time. In addition to that, he feels obligated to participate in the destressage because he created these children with me. He feels that Sex to Destress is sortof "using" him and I'm not sure if he's right or wrong, I just know that I want sex on the days when I've been particularly strung out with my little lovelies.
Lillie, in what way did this help you? Just curious.
Jen and HP, thanks for the further categorization! I would say I was thinking of 1a and 1c as belonging to to the #1 category. Actually, when I said I get ‘horny’ once a month, it’s the biological (ovulatory) horniness. I do like it a lot more than that, and I would say that’s a combination of 1c and 2.
And in case I haven’t sufficiently confused everyone, let me continue, heh heh. I would classify 1b and 1d into the #3 category. This is why I said that #3 can be justified as a good reason, but it depends on the relationship. If I’m feeling stressed, I feel its not fair to expect H to de-stress me every time (atleast not with sex), because he has his own stresses to cope with too. Sure, sex is an excellent de-stressor, but not if my partner is stretching himself to meet me halfway in the first place, kwim? In this situation, I try to work through it myself and self-soothe. If I still want his help, I ask him to spend some time with me, talk or rub my back, and he is usually very amenable.
Lol Julie...I should have my H read these last few posts..I asked him what makes him initiate on the nites that he does ( apart from our schedule) and he said, " Does anyone really know why they feel horny when they are?"
Quote: I would classify 1b and 1d into the #3 category.
I don't think what I meant by 1b should be in category #3. I think of that restless, antsy feeling as being the "itch" that needs to resolve itself into the "pain" of type 1a horniness. Type 1d horniness is the type I am able to compensate for by eating too many cookies. HP and I are sisters in Type 1d misery because we have Hs who want us to be thin but don't give us enough sex to compensate for the lack of cookies.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Wow. That was a great idea, and has some neat insights.
When I stop to think about it, I seldom have 1a horniness. Occasionally, but fairly rare. 1b, usually between the 2-week and 1-month mark, with wonderful evenings scattered throughout time to prompt it. 1c is the most common motivation for my horniness - I read a book with a steamy scene, or see a sexy picture, and a switch flips, and suddenly I want to make love. With seeing my husband, it's usually a mix - sometimes I'll see his ass when he bends over, and that instantly spills over into horniness, but sometimes it's a happy glow - the thought "God, he's so beautiful, I'm so lucky" - that spreads into 2.
After the month-mark, when I actually give into my horniness and try to initiate, it's usually a mix of 3, 4, and 1b. As time goes on, 4 becomes more and more a morbid thing.
So it sounds like I need to work on the urges behind 3 and 4, Hm. Interesting.
I am turning in revolution
these are the scars that silence carved
on me
I would classify 1b and 1d into the #3 category. This is why I said that #3 can be justified as a good reason, but it depends on the relationship. If I’m feeling stressed, I feel its not fair to expect H to de-stress me every time (atleast not with sex), because he has his own stresses to cope with too. Sure, sex is an excellent de-stressor, but not if my partner is stretching himself to meet me halfway in the first place, kwim? In this situation, I try to work through it myself and self-soothe. If I still want his help, I ask him to spend some time with me, talk or rub my back, and he is usually very amenable.
