My H is back after a separation of nearly 4 months. He was having an affair with a co-worker and eventually admitted it to me. He has been back home for 3 weeks and just returned to work last week. I am trying to trust him and he has been trying really hard. He goes to church with the family now and spends all of his time with me and our child. The only issue I have now is maintaining my happiness and trust when he is at work. He works the graveyard shift and assures me that everything is over and deep down, I do believe him. We had a bad marriage prior to this affair and while I don't excuse it, I understand. Now, I just want to be with him and make our relationship work. We are happier than we have ever been, however, I find myself bringing things back up. I am learning to hold my tongue but sometimes don't resist the urge to question him. We had a wonderful weekend and I ruined it by questioning him this morning. He said that he understands my frustration, however, he is frustrated too because just when things are going good - I bring everything up again.
Please help me with coping with this. My marriage is on it's way to a place that it has never been. My husband calls/pages me all day with little notes professing his love and is being everything I could ever want. He told me that he now brags to everyone about how wonderful I am and he loves it. I don't want to ruin that.
Any advice?
I must also add that just a week ago, my husband and I had a long talk. He explained that he no longer felt the same way that he used to feel but he wanted to badly. He said that he does love me and wants to get the "fire" back so that we can both share the deep feelings that I now have for him. Last Friday, we had another talk and we both really laid everything on the table. He expressed his feelings to me about how the A started and how the OW was definitely out of the picture and no longer an issue.
I want to believe him and work on my marriage but why do I keep looking for things that are only going to hurt me and our ability to progress. I am so desperate for guidance on this. I am scared that this morning may have been the last straw for him even though he said that he is not mad at me for questioning him. How do I reassure him that I will not bring these things up if I keep doing it. Each time I go a week and then when it's time for him to go to work, I start again. I am telling myself to try and make it 2 weeks without looking for anything or asking any questions. I am hoping that 2 weeks will turn into 3 and so on and so forth...
I have not bought any of the DB books yet but plan to do so this weekend. In the meantime, I am looking for guidance so that fear does not consume my marriage and cause it to end.
What's worse is that when I return home from work tonight, he will be on his way out. While I am sure that he no longer wants to talk about this situation, I don't even have the convenience of spending time with him to show that I let it go. Our schedules will conflict so the next time we are home together will not be until Wednesday. I feel like he'll wake up and concentrate on my questioning and remind himself that I haven't really changed.
I am so tired of this situation - I just want to know how to rebuild this marriage and maintain faith in my husband wanting the same thing.
Hi Faith--it is tough isn't it. I almost want to say 4 months wasn't long enough to be apart, but you probably wouldn't agree . My H and were apart for 11 months. I was probably reacting about the same way you are now after 4 months.
Positives for you: you know you are struggling and you know why. You also know you need to really work hard to get over and through these feelings of distrust, worry and obsession about what he's doing when he's not around. Knowing all this is very important and a huge step in the right direction.
The part that takes time is the practicing and getting used to a new way of reacting and behaving. I had to and still do have to engage in alot of self talk. Before I speak I think of what I am about to say, what response I want and how will what I am about to say affect him. If I answer myself that the response I want is reassurance and that he is going to be frustrated and quite possibly a little angry that I am doing this again, then I'm going to bite my tongue and keep my mouth shut. I've got to think of something else not relationship related to talk about. I have to call a friend and vent or come here and vent just like you did. I reread my DR book, and yes, get yourself one ASAP and read, read, read. But don't let him know you are reading it. Don't talk about it at all. The only way to reassure him that you are changing is to do it--not talk about doing it. He will see.
Work really hard at not asking those questions to get your reassurance. Act as if you trust him and it will come. He needs to be able to trust you too. Trust that the next thing that comes our of your mouth isn't going to be the same old stuff. My H still looks at me with rolled eyes when he thinks I'm going to say something looking for reassurance. But is he surprised when I say something else!
So, Faith, have faith in you. Forgive yourself for your mistakes. Forgive your H for his. Also, know that men and women do not think alike. Men are not as emotional as we are and he won't be going around analyzing what you say and do like you do him. He is most likely not even thinking about it. Please don't take it personal--that is just how men think. Another good book is Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus--it explains alot.
I think my H wants me to be confident, loving, supportive, encouraging, positive and funny instead of worried, depressed, and with low self-esteem. And that's what I want to. The more I work toward that the better I feel about me and the closer he gets.
It is early for you. Don't beat yourself up when you back slide. Just get up, dust off and try again. He's going to notice. He's giving you lots of positive clues to his feelings. If you can return them with trust wonderful things will happen. But it takes time and patience!
A possible solution that might help - I got this out of DR or DB, can't remember which (both are good, Faith, but DR is usually recommended as the better of the 2, and I agree with that, too.)
Arrange a set time for you and your husband, once a week, a 1 hour block, where you can ask any questions you want to about the A, etc., and he will give you time to ask your questions, and will give you honest answers about anything you want to know. But then you HAVE to limit your discussions and questions about the A to the designated time.
This does a couple things - it frees him up so that he knows that when it isn't that "talk time," he isn't going to have to be wary of the questioning. It might also help you to realize that during the parts of the week that is not your "talk time" you ARE able to hold your tongue. I think it might help you to realize what is a question that REALLY needs to be asked, and can wait until "talk time" or what really doesn't need to be asked, and was just you looking for reassurance.
Good luck. Sounds like you're doing ok. At least he's back. Still lots of work to do.
Thanks. I just talked to him briefly and explained to him that I am really trying and that I will not let the past consume the happiness that we have now found. His response was "time will tell". So let's see how the week plays out.
I will think about the questioning hour. I don't think that my husband will be up for that. Since we had some pretty in-depth conversations last week he asked if we could move forward and stop dwelling on the past. I told him, "yes", but look what happened.
Quote: I will think about the questioning hour. I don't think that my husband will be up for that. Since we had some pretty in-depth conversations last week he asked if we could move forward and stop dwelling on the past. I told him, "yes", but look what happened.
If you don't think your H will be keen on this, chances are you're right. To have these questioning hours, BOTH partners would have to accept and agree to them. Seeing how your H just wants to move on (most WASs want this), you need to try and avoid ALL R talks - they don't help.
If something happens and you feel you need reassurance, you can ask for it in a very subtle way. Let's say for example (and I believe this is an example from Michele in DR), your H says he'll be home at a certain time. That time has come and gone. Then your H walks in the door (x) minutes later. Rather than flying off the handle immediately and asking, "Where have you been? You said you would be back by noon! Why did it take you so long? Why didn't you call?!", instead wait for a moment then try something like, "I know it was probably nothing, but when you showed up late, I was really scared and worried. I don't like feeling this way, so help me please. Tell me why you were late." Michele says don't ASSume, don't condemn, just ask. And don't attack! If you attack, then you'd better expect to be attacked back.
IMO, you have to drop the R talks. Get DR IMMEDIATELY and start reading NOW! There's a section in it that deals with infidelity and it will give you a better understanding of what you and your H might be feeling. Don't let your H know that you are reading it though.
Remember - HE IS BACK! Good luck.
JV
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
Here I go again. I asked him to pick up my daughter and his reply is that he will pick her up in an hour. This means that she will have to go to aftercare which is unnecessary to pay for one hour when we don't have to. I am posting here in light of asking him why he has to pick her up in an hour. Stopping the questions will be my biggest task - every minute uncounted for I allow my imagination to take over.
Faith, try really hard not to ask him when he gets home either. And thank him and tell him you appreciate him picking her up. He may end up telling you why it took an hour when he gets home. It seems we shouldn't have to thank them for doing something like this--it is part of being a parent--but I am learning that my H loves for me to thank him for anything he does and I get a cheerful "your welcome" back. Good for you for not asking. He may not say it, but I'm sure he noticed because he is used to you doing that in the past. He's going to be watching you to see if you are for real PATIENCE
Quote: Work really hard at not asking those questions to get your reassurance. Act as if you trust him and it will come. He needs to be able to trust you too. Trust that the next thing that comes our of your mouth isn't going to be the same old stuff. My H still looks at me with rolled eyes when he thinks I'm going to say something looking for reassurance. But is he surprised when I say something else!
dont you just love moments like that!
as far as "questioning hour" unless you one that really needs to have all the details, I would use that time to just enjoy each other instead.
it's not an easy road - theres alot of turns, twists and dead ends. It's a balancing act and alot of the time you may feel your the only one holding it all together. But if your patient enough and strong enough to do that then you will start to see he come around.
I do find that they want that immediate old trust and faith back.......they realize it will take time and I think they get more impatient at it then we do. lol! I think that when we focus on ourselves it's boosts our spirits, we feel better about ourselves and that projects confidence, and they would much rather see that then to see us worry. I think it gives them a sense of reassurance.
I wish you the best of luck! keep reading and posting!
Thank you all for the great advice. I held my tongue yesterday and kissed my husband telling him to have a nice evening at work. I had previously told him that I would like for him to come home on all of his breaks but I explained that I said that out of confusion and distrust. I told him that in an effort to rebuild my trust, that needs to be his decision and I do not expect for him to do it every night that he works (as I also use this time to do school work so as not to have this responsibility on the days when he is off). He then offered up all kinds of information. Thanking me for trying to trust him. Gave me every detail of what he had planned for his breaks and mentioned that since his last break is at 2 am every morning that he will utilize this time to go to the gym.
He also called me prior to my leaving work yesterday to state that he would like to get a sitter for Friday and take me out. He had originally asked me to go to a co-worker's party, however, I told him that should the OW show up, that would not be a good situation. At the time, I told him we would talk about it at a later date. Well when he called yesterday, he said forget the party. He wants to take me to dinner, movie, & dancing because he needs to focus on us stating that his priority is no longer parties, etc. It really made my day, but then there is that devilish thought in the back of my mind that maybe he talked to her and found out she would be there so changed his mind. At any rate, he is choosing the family.
He called home several times last night at work and even informed me that he had requested a change to the day shift (which means a pay cut) to try and improve things at home. He said that he would have to submit a hardship to try and expedite the change so we are going to try and compile a letter this week that would be approved - please pray for us.
Thank you all for the great advice. I held my tongue yesterday and kissed my husband telling him to have a nice evening at work. I had previously told him that I would like for him to come home on all of his breaks but I explained that I said that out of confusion and distrust. I told him that in an effort to rebuild my trust, that needs to be his decision and I do not expect for him to do it every night that he works (as I also use this time to do school work so as not to have this responsibility on the days when he is off). He then offered up all kinds of information. Thanking me for trying to trust him. Gave me every detail of what he had planned for his breaks and mentioned that since his last break is at 2 am every morning that he will utilize this time to go to the gym.
He also called me prior to my leaving work yesterday to state that he would like to get a sitter for Friday and take me out. He had originally asked me to go to a co-worker's party, however, I told him that should the OW show up, that would not be a good situation. At the time, I told him we would talk about it at a later date. Well when he called yesterday, he said forget the party. He wants to take me to dinner, movie, & dancing because he needs to focus on us stating that his priority is no longer parties, etc. It really made my day, but then there is that devilish thought in the back of my mind that maybe he talked to her and found out she would be there so changed his mind. At any rate, he is choosing the family.
He called home several times last night at work and even informed me that he had requested a change to the day shift (which means a pay cut) to try and improve things at home. He said that he would have to submit a hardship to try and expedite the change so we are going to try and compile a letter this week that would be approved - please pray for us.
. My H and were apart for 11 months. I was probably reacting about the same way you are now after 4 months.