LNL - or you could tell him: "H, I really don't think that any man in my life would appreciate my ex-husband spending the night in my home, just as I'm sure your girlfriend(s) wouldn't appreciate you staying here either. It just seems really inappropriate at this point."
I decided to email H. I thanked him for his statement that he will send down the cheque for the bike (reminding him!) and told him I was sending up two pieces of post with D this weekend.
I said I presumed that D was being picked up and dropped off as usual this weekend, as I hadn't heard anything. Told him I would be away on Sunday and only back by 6pm. (Around the time D was dropped off last weekend.)
Then said that on the 19th I had a full house with my sis and others staying.
Said I would get back to him about the rest of the letter in due course.
I had just sent the email when the phone rang and I could see it was H (yay for my new phone with caller ID! ) and I let it go to voicemail. H left a message telling me D would be picked up as usual, and had I received his email? And to let me know if I had. Obvisously our communications had crossed.
Later, I got a one line email saying that the landlord tells him they will be going down at 2.30pm on Sunday, so I'll have to pick up D from their city home at 6pm. I have no idea if H has actually cleared this with the landlord yet. Or if D will be happy with this. H sort of treats it as "the way things are". I believe he thinks it has nothing to do with him.
The more I read about Narcissism and divorcing narcissists, the more chilling it sounds. I know there are degrees of N and also types of narcissists. I sort of bank on my H being lazy and not proactive in the end. I don't know if that is a mistake. I have known him for nearly 20 years, but from what I have read, they can be roused to great vindicitveness in the divorce process.
Interestingly, H has called me vindictive a number of times over the years. It always surpised me, as I don't think of myself that way. I truly believe that I have too many positive things to do in my life than plot against people!
But there was always a pattern to when and why it happened. H would do something that would annoy or hurt me. I would tell him not to. He would ignore me, or get annoyed at my "whining", or say I couldn't take a joke. (He, typical N, is incapable of empathy.) I would get angry, and try to do the same thing to him, give him some of his own medicine, to make him understand why the action was not nice/unhelpful/unenjoyable/hurtful as he seemed to have difficulty understanding this point when I merely told him so. At this point, he would accuse me of vindictiveness.
Ah! Basically, what is sauce for the goose is NOT sauce for the gander!
I was reading about one woman's fight for custody in Israel and she lot custody of her daughter to her abusive raging N of a ex husband (who of course had remarried etc). I was in tears. She was also reduced to poverty and social isolation etc.
I need to think very hard this coming year of the long term consequences of staying in this country or moving away. Perhaps cutting my loses and starting anew and without H around the corner.
In theory I want my daughter to have full access to her Dad and for us to have a decent relationship as co-parents, but I wonder if that is a pipe dream and it is better to get out sooner rather than later.
Livnlearn
PS My good friend has agreed to help me translate the SA into English this weekend.
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Quote: In theory I want my daughter to have full access to her Dad and for us to have a decent relationship as co-parents, but I wonder if that is a pipe dream and it is better to get out sooner rather than later.
I don't know if you are a visualization gal, but there is one which might be useful to you at this point. It comes from Susan Anderson's book "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing." Do you have that book? It was a topic of conversation over in Hopefulness a while back.
What you do is visualize your dream house. First, think of where your dream house is located. Mountains? Ocean? Forest? Farm? City? Suburb? What would it look like? Mansion? Cottage? Apartment building? Tent? Cave? How would it be situated in relation to the sun? Other buildings around it, if any? Visualize the front door. When you enter, what do you see? What colors? How does the light play on the floor? Move into the house and see what it's like. Then, visualize who is there with you. People, animals? What are they doing?
When you can get in your house and see these things, you might get some good insight into what you need. I've seen people do this make great revelations.
If you can't do visualization for some reason, try breaking it down into small chunks and try to visualize small stuff, like sounds, or smells or patterns and textures.
Hope this helps.
FYI, I don't think you are being paranoid about where you live. I was trying to make the point that I don't know where you live so I don't know your laws. I admire your ability to selectively divulge information. It's really very strong.
I'm not trying to scare you but prepare yourself for a fight. Every time I ask for something in the divorce that would be considered entirely reasonable by a normal person my H claims I am being vindictive. He has locked me out of my own house but I am vindictive.
Quote: I need to think very hard this coming year of the long term consequences of staying in this country or moving away. Perhaps cutting my loses and starting anew and without H around the corner.
In theory I want my daughter to have full access to her Dad and for us to have a decent relationship as co-parents, but I wonder if that is a pipe dream and it is better to get out sooner rather than later.
You know - my first instinct is, much as your H is a pain in the behind and not a great example, he's really not that terrible of a father that your D would be better off without him. It's hard not to have a dad - and if you moved far away, she basically wouldn't have one.
On the flip side - if moving would mean that your D had cousins and aunts and uncles and warm extended family in her daily life - that's a good thing.
Remember, though, that moving far from H might mean having to send your D to spend months at a time with him in the summers - and is that what you would really want?
I don't suppose there's any chance of convincing H to move, is there? Although sure as shooting, you'll make all these plans to stay there, then he'll move himself!
You should know that when H first dropped the bomb, he was fully convinced that I would take him up on his offer of all the equity of the house and then I would just clear off with D to the other country where my family are (only my mother and sister, and my mother is now no more), and I would send D out to him a couple of times a year. He seemed quite happy with that.
Let's see, it would look like *I* had run away, he didn't have me inconveniently hanging around and embarassing him with my presence, he would have free play with OW1, he would get to spend all his income on himself and he could live like a batchelor all over again here!
He kept telling me he didn't know what I was thinking... (Duh! Up until that point I actually thought I had a marriage, and now I was supposed to be making all these quick decisions to up sticks and just move on!) He kept saying that he thought I would be moving to the other country. I think he was a bit disappointed that I didn't.
He hit the ROOF when I first mentioned that I would be consulting a lawyer. I was a complete B*TCH for that!
I pointed out to him that with his plan, he would be seeing more of OW1's son than his own daughter, and I asked him how he would feel about that. Know what he replied? That OW1's son was a "great kid". He just didn't get it, did he?
Know what Ellie? My father walked out on my mother when I was seven, and I haven't seen or heard from him since. He kept away so as to hang on to the (considerable) money he had just inherited from his parents. He didn't wish to bother even divorcing my mother, as he would then be held liable for child support and alimony etc. He just hopped the country.
I used to yearn to have a Dad like everyone else. But now that I know the truth about the kind of man he was (nasty nasty nasty) I can see that the best thing he ever did was to walk out of my life. Sad, but true.
See, in my fantasy, my Dad would have been a great Dad, but the reality would have been a nightmare.
I don't equate my father with my H, I think my father was far worse, but isn't it interesting how history seems to be repeating itself?
Livnlearn, still thinking, thinking, thinking.....
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
After H says "you'll have to pick up D from the landlord's place" in his email yesterday, it turns out, as I suspected, that H has not even consulted the landlord about whether in fact they will look after D at their place until I arrive later to pick her up.
When they called to pick up D this morning, I asked them about it and they said they would be busy themselves, going out etc, so D can't stay with them.
H imagines that somehow it is nothing to do with him. It is either for the landlord or me to sort out, not him!
I already have a programme to go out for the day with older guy, and I don't want to have to be back by 2.30pm.
My H might "love" his D, but he sure treats her like a package sometimes.
I could just email H and tell him his plan will not work and see what he comes up with next...
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Why email H? By doing so you are taking the responsibility of D off his shoulders and onto yours. Let H figure out how D will get home if the landlord cannot watch her. If H has to worry about the arrangements for a change maybe he will quit taking you for granted all the time. JMHO
Well, I already emailed H, with a one line statement. I told him that he must not have cleared it with the landlord, as they tell me they are not prepared to look after D until I arrive home. Nothing more, the ball is in his court.
But what is the betting he will do ABSOLTUELY NOTHING, on the assumption that I should be able to work something out?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
