Hi HP, Sorry to hear you're having to have surgery. I hope it clears everything up and you are set to rights. Been in the hospital myself off and on the last couple of weeks.
I think I have a similar issue with my SO, but w/respect to the internet. His passion for it is so obvious.
Quote: In my head, I have this idea that having a man to desire me is my...birthright or something! It is not a gift, it is my RIGHT. I know this is screwed up thinking, but I've thought this way so long (do all women?) that it will take time to ditch it.
No, all women don't think this. (Only takes one not to think it to make the statement not true. ) But I think I would benefit from more of this kind of thinking so when you ditch it, toss some of it my way.
In my head, I have this idea that having a man to desire me is my...birthright or something! It is not a gift, it is my RIGHT. I know this is screwed up thinking, but I've thought this way so long (do all women?) that it will take time to ditch it.
No, all women don't think this. (Only takes one not to think it to make the statement not true. ) But I think I would benefit from more of this kind of thinking so when you ditch it, toss some of it my way.
Add me to the women who don't think that. I would hazard a guess that most/many lower drive women don't. NOP's drive exists outside of me and my being. It is turned toward me and I impact it, but I am not the instigator of it. Which would explain why many LD folks entertain the idea that it's less about them and their desirability and more about their spouse and spouse's desires.
I mentioned something to this affect to Mr Mel, (ha ha) and he said that he feels the same way. That he wants me to put his needs first. Not fair. I said it first, it's my idea!
So, here we are. Each of us feeling that being desired is our birthright. Each of us waiting to be adored by the other, but no one wanting to go first. So, who can wait the longest? Mel of course. Aren't I just a sh*t?
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
Quote: In my head, I have this idea that having a man to desire me is my...birthright or something! It is not a gift, it is my RIGHT. I know this is screwed up thinking, but I've thought this way so long (do all women?) that it will take time to ditch it.
I know what you're saying, but I don't exactly feel that way, at least not all the time. First of all, I don't think you mean that all you want or have a right to is that "a" man desires you. I think you mean you have the right to expect that "your" man should desire you. I mean, geez, we all know we could find some man who would desire us. I do feel like I have the "right" to expect that my H should make a reasonable effort to meet my sexual needs. OTOH, he has the "right" to not meet my expectations and suffer the consequences of my disappointment. Whether he truly "desires" to have sex with me or simply wants to please me by having sex with me makes no difference as long as he also wants to please me by not making it obvious in a rude way that he's not really gung-ho about the sex. The question you asked your H was kind of a "Does this dress make me look fat?" question and he could have answered it in a way that would have been honest but more kind or thoughtful. For instance, he could have said "How can I compare the loss of the Holy Sacrament of marital intercourse with the loss of sugar?".
Mrs.NOP,
Quote: NOP's drive exists outside of me and my being. It is turned toward me and I impact it, but I am not the instigator of it. Which would explain why many LD folks entertain the idea that it's less about them and their desirability and more about their spouse and spouse's desires.
This isn't exactly the right way to look at it, IMO. For instance, what if NOP woke up tomorrow and found himself married to a HD female version of Rush Limbaugh. He would still have the same internal drive but I bet his outward manifestation of it would go WAY down. This is why HD folk often take the rejection from their LD spouses so personally. When a HD person turns someone down sexually it almost always is something repulsive about them that is making us turn them down (except in the rare instance of killer thunderstorms or cervical infection ).
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: This isn't exactly the right way to look at it, IMO.
And here is one of the issues, I guess...interpreting another's behavior according to what it would mean for us if we did it.
I think for me and my SO the problem is we BOTH don't take it personally enough. We both like sex and want it to be a part of our lives. But since being turned down for sex is not seen as a personal attack, we collectively lack that strong motivational personal push to keep us on track when other things get us off track. It's kept us from getting frustrated and angry with each other, which is good.
I bet a lot of LD/ND get annoyed at their spouses desire and probably think it's all about horniness from them and not about yourselves. Well the truth is that yes most HD's generate desire without the aid of the LD spouse. I always desire my spouse, even when she treats me like crap. It can not be turned off. But the fact is that I HAVE turned it to her exclusively. I have given it to her and gave her complete trust in managing it. I did not give it to the lady across the street. Think of it this way, your HD husband has entrusted one of the most precious things in his life, his desire, and he relys upon you to take good care of it. It is the ultimate expression of trust!
Hate to say it, my dear horny little Honeypot, but I agree with Mellanie. He is who he is, and all of us on here can probably at BEST hope to influence our spouse's ACTIONS; trying to influence their DESIRES will turn us all into frustrated CeMars.
Choc, Oh yes, I fully understand that my thinking is going to get me nowhere...I was just posting it in the interest of saying, Hey I still have issues to work through..
And Jenny was right--I don't think I have a right to expect EVERY man to fall at my feet with lust, only my own man. I try and try to look at it as a gift, but I still end up thinking What the hell is the problem here?? H says I'm being vain but I don't think that's it. I have felt like this even during times when I wasn't physically attractive. Even now, I'm not at my physical best, and I still think that he should be turned on by me. Should should should, right.
The whole deal is complicated by the fact that I do get lots of male attention so my mind inevitably goes back to the What the hell is the problem thinking.
Oh and JJ, he DID say, many many times, How could I compare YOU to sweets..there is no contest. Etc etc.
I basically forced his hand. I forced him to answer the question, knowing that it would be a hurtful answer. Smack smack to me.
I guess I am just sick of him maintaining that his desire level is right up there with mine and that we are sooo similar. You know what. We're not. I could never think of a way to illustrate the kind and strength of desire I was talking about until I stumbled on the Lenten comparison.
Quote: I basically forced his hand. I forced him to answer the question, knowing that it would be a hurtful answer. Smack smack to me.
. mas·och·ism ( P ) Pronunciation Key (ms-kzm) n. The deriving of sexual gratification, or the tendency to derive sexual gratification, from being physically or emotionally abused. The deriving of pleasure, or the tendency to derive pleasure, from being humiliated or mistreated, either by another or by oneself. A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [After Leopold von Sacher-Masoch (1836-1895), Austrian novelist.] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- masoch·ist n. masoch·istic adj. masoch·isti·cal·ly adv.
I don't think you are wrong to expect him to desire you. If you leave it up to him, how often does he desire you on his own? Are we talking the difference between twice a week from him and 7 times a week from you, or is the difference level far greater?
) But I think I would benefit from more of this kind of thinking so when you ditch it, toss some of it my way. 