Please help! I don't really know what to do. My wife has been seeing another peron for 5 months. I have perservered through all of this to date. I am truly interested in saving my marriage. I'm 38, been together 20 years, and been married almost 15 years. I have 3 boys 9,7, & 5. She has finally decided to finally "try". I'm uncertain of her level of committment but it isn't very high. I've employed the 180 move and this actually got her to "try". Again her interest level has dropped but she's still here. We still live under the same roof but it's like we're separated. She said she broke it off withthe OP and would not resume contact. I think she talked to him yesterday. I have been continually following the 180 approach because of previous sucess. I'm concerned that since she misses him so much and is obviously still thinking about him, what am I to do? I haven't even got her to a resonable committment level. I fell that if I continue with the 180, she'll just opt for him. I'm trying to make myself as appealing as possible but it doesn't seem sto be working. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance!
Hello Patientone - Seems like you have done some good things if you have gotten her to a stage of wanting to try to fix things. It is normal for them to take time to wind down the contact with OP - in the meantime, tell us a bit more of your 180s and her reactions.
Our kids have not been officially informed. Although, I'm sure that they know somethings not quite right with mom and dad. My wife didn't come home tonight b/c of her feelings for the OM. Fortunately, we have a great mutual friend whom she called instead of him. Her friend is with her now. (3:18 am!) Anyway, My initial 180 was before I had read any of Michele's work. I just started to accept that things were going in the wrong direction because she had never indicated a desire otherwise. She started to realize what it woul dbe like to be a part. I saw her watching me playing with the kids in the pool and she watched for quite a while. I think watching us made her think of our family and the way we used to be. I would like to focus on having "fun" with the kids so that can witness it and be included if desired. It has been 1 week since she told the OM not to contact her and vica versa. She has been miserable for the past 2 days. Part of our issues stem from her trying to discover herself. She has been instrumental in helping me with my career and she feels she doesn't know who she is. A thought I had for another 180 was to ask lots of open ended questions about her different avenues of interest. She has a great interest in the personal training industry as well as a great relationship with her previous employer. She has been volunteering her time for him and really works well with him. Because she feels that I squelched her self-discovery process, (which I had no intentions of doing) I thought this appraoch may be refreshing to her. It's really difficult to muster the composer however, when I know she's thinking of the OM. What'dya think?
Patientone... Times are hard right now...I understand where you are coming from. Keep up the 180 and stay strong for yourself and your children. My H had and EA and it has destroyed me inside. He has which I hope to believe stop seeing her but its been a few months and I know that he has communicated with her. I figure that it doesnt take one minute to start and it sure doesnt take one minute to stop. There is going to be withdrawls. We are here to support you. Stay strong and be happy.
Dear BLONDEQT1, How do you find out that he is communicating? Are you actively looking and then ignore it? Do you stumble accross evidence? How does that affect you when you know your committment level is 100% and his is less than that? These questions are what I struggle with. I'm the last line of defense for kids not going through the big D. She loves her kids but I guess I don't understand this emotional hold she has on OM. Thanx in advance for your insights
Go rent "Tao of Steve". Show your excellence and then withdraw. If you do not feel strong enough to withdraw then absolutely do not show her any more affection then she shows you. I made that mistake and it just pushed my ex farther & farther away.
