THANK YOU so much for checking on me - I was beginning to feel quite lonely here. I read the section on goals last night and see I need to work on that - thank you for reminding me. Looking forward to hearing about yours.
As far as Saturday went - I'll just paste the response I sent to my good friend in California when she checked up on me Sunday: "And I can't tell you how much I felt you holding me up - I felt a calm and almost serenity that I know for sure did not come out of me. If it had been up to me I really might have chickened out but a strength that did not belong to me held me up. Thank you. I don't know how it went. Not the closure I'd hoped for, but at least a date - May 1 - for him to decide which way he's going, and he said he would find a pastoral counselor for us to talk to at least to help make it clearer why we need to end. He's still pretty sure he's leaving me for her- but hey, there's a “15 percent chance” that he's not - woo-hoo for me! His mother says what is he going to know in 3 weeks that he doesn't know now and that she would have told him “*()&(&^^*, get your stuff and GO” - 85 percent is better odds than his father has on a daily basis for her staying with him. I don't know. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of, but I so want to understand why he's leaving and I don't think I'll get that without it being with a third person, a counselor, present. And yet it doesn't matter if we're not going to be together to work through it. And yet I feel like he's basing his actions and reactions on things from or about me that he might have misunderstood and never had the balls to bring up, and I want all that out on the table if only for him to see how wrong he is. Stupid, huh? He won't see that. Maybe tomorrow I'll come home and tell him that May 1 needs to mean that date by which he's gone completely, that it's my decision period. Maybe I'll just - hell, I don't know. I was fine until this afternoon for some reason. Well probably the reason was Sunday service, a dream that I thought we'd worked on together and it was beautiful today with such a wonderful group of people (don't worry - I don't think OW has shown up since Easter) and none of that will be ours anymore and it just hurts. And I'm tired and I have to get up and go to work at this job that I don't enjoy anymore and had stopped caring so much about, looking forward to finally being able to slow down and let him take the lead on supporting us - but I have to keep plugging away, stuck up here in the north until I figure out what else and where I can do and go. Beautiful sunny f**** day and I can barely see the road through my tears.
I'm sorry. I think I used up all my serenity yesterday. I'm going to go for a long walk tonight and make sure to get some rest. Keep praying. I'm listening to your CD right now. Thank you. Love you. Thank you thank you."
So that's where I was then. I have to admit I am proud of the AS IF I did on Sunday after I stopped crying. Now that I finally know how disappointed he's been that I wasn't cooking Sunday meals for him (I guess I was supposed to ignore all the times he TOLD me, oh no, I don't want you to cook/I don't care/no, don't and SHOWED me he wasn't going to be around for dinner anyway - I know, I know, a vicious cycle that I'M ready to accept responsibility for), I went through a lot of trouble to prepare a meal that he'd said the day before he had a craving for - I tried to replicate something that he'd wished for in the city where we used to live and it turned out great. And THEN - I guess this is a 180, because another one of his complaints - a dissatisfaction that I actually share - has always been not enough or passionate enough sex - I made him fulfill a fantasy of mine (won't go into details - nothing kinky just a little raunchy and atypical for me!). I say MADE him because he was acting all reluctant - just unresponsive and unenthusiastic enough that normally I would have given up and shown how hurt I was (I think maybe that comes from his fear of being rejected by me - but I can honestly say his overtures are so weak that I probably haven't even known most of the time that he was making any effort, which he then interprets as rejection and resents) - ANYWAY - I didn't give up even when he hurt me by his inital rejections and we ended up having a good ole time. I think I was afraid that these actions on my part would actually end up hurting ME - that I would get my hopes up and then remember that nothing has really changed and then be crushed and not even be able to enjoy a pleasant memory - so I almost didn't even go through with the fantasy. BUT - please forgive me my crassness - I ended up thinking, hey - after a month I won't be getting any and he's still my husband so I'm going to use him right now for what I need - !!! Can you BELIEVE me???
It also helped SO MUCH this weekend when I tried on a pair of pants from my closet that I couldn't fit into last year that are now slightly too big for me, and that it was an incredibly gorgeous spring day. I felt like God had arranged that for me to give me strength for Saturday.
ANYway - thanks for reading my rambling. And thank you in advance for being there for me when I crash again. I'm working at home today and am about to take myself out to lunch - will work when I get back!
You are doing so well. I know in your heart you think you are sinking or drowning, but you dealt with your H, you have a plan for counselling, he hasn't made up his mind, you haven't made up yours (your pants are too big for you!! it just keeps getting better!!).
The road ahead is clear for all manner of miracles to occur.
Hang in there
Aussie Girl
Life is what happens when you are busy making plans
I have a comment on something that worked for me in doing a 180. You had said in a prevous post that your H said that you weren't passionate enough, well turn on the passion, I know that is easy to say but if that is something that is missing turn it up girl, he maybe getting that from the OW. Speaking from experiance, my H went and found someone else to have fun with because he thought he could not do it with me. We have since found how to have fun together and he no longer sees the OW.
