I've been a long time lurker in this forum and am truly astounded by the wisdom and insight of so many members. Now that I'm done with the flattery, I could really make use of some of this wisdom. I'll keep this as brief as I can and will provide any additional details as needed.
I'm 31, W is 29. Married for 9.5 years. 2 children, ages 9 and 5. Important fact: we married after dating for about 5 months due to pregnancy. W was unable to finish college as a result.
We have had sex related problems for the length of our marriage (frequency is maybe once every 3 weeks). W is LD and never really seems to take any great enjoyment in sex (at least with me). I can provide more details regarding our sexual dysfunction if necessary.
W has had problems with fidelity in our marriage. There have been 2 known drunken one-night stands (one of which occurred in January of this year) and at least a 1/2 dozen episodes of kissing/sexual contact without complete intercourse. After the first one night-stand 2 years ago, we both made a concerted effort to work on our marriage. I found out 4 days ago about the January encounter which occurred while W was on vacation in Europe with a friend. After this most recent discovery, I told W that I would like a divorce. She expressed the usual sentiments of remorse, regret, etc. Now that my emotions have calmed, I am considering whether I should "take her back" again. She has been in therapy since her return from Europe and thinks that she is making progress in determining why she behaves the way she does.
This is what she told me:
1) Because the sexual dynamic in our relationship has never been stellar, she has acted on drunken impulses to see whether the sex could be better with someone else. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) because the sex encounters occurred while drunk, she doesn't really remember them well enough to know if they were better than sex with me.
2) Because of our early marriage and her dependence on me (she is a stay-at-home mom) she longs for independence. She doesn't wish to abandon the children (we would opt for joint custody), but would like to get a job and support herself. I've encouraged her for a long time to either go back to school or get a job that makes better use of her talents (she presently works as a waitress one night a week). She has told me she doesn't feel good about herself which is one reason she has acted the way she has.
I am really at a loss as to what I should do. After reading so many other threads about LD spouses, I wonder if our sex problem can be remedied. How does one create the passion that so many LD spouses seem to lack? My W tells me that she finds me physically attractive but does not have the passion that she thinks she ought to have for me. Considering the infidelity, perhaps it's time for divorce, but my concern for my children makes me think that I shouldn't give up yet.
It just occurred to me that my situation would probably fit well into the infidelity forum, so please let me know if I should move it there instead.
Hi Joe, welcome aboard and sorry you have reason to be here.
Every time someone new joins and tells their story, I shake my head over the variations in our situations-- and yet they all have that common thread running through them.
Another of our regular posters got married because of pregnancy, and she has been struggling for more than twice as many years as you have. I'm hoping she will jump in with words of wisdom.
I'm afraid I don't have many words of wisdom myself at the moment, but your story did hit one of my personal hot buttons. It's the alcohol issue. Someone who has two drunken one-night stands has a drinking problem and may be a full-blown alcoholic. If this happened once, and if she was committed to making sure it didn't happen again, she would have refrained from getting herself in the same situation a second time. This is entirely apart from the infidelity/STD issues which are huge in themselves.
As you've seen from reading this board, when the sex drives are really different, it takes a lot of effort, a lot of commitment, a fair amount of compromise, and often a stint of individual and/or couples counseling to make things work. It's a daunting prospect at best.
When you said that you wondered if you should "take her back" did that mean that you are currently living apart? Do you have any reason for wanting to save this marriage besides the children?
I know my fellows will jump in with better questions and more help. Good luck to you.
If you had no children and if she didn't go out on you balanced slate if you will, would you still be interested in her? and why?
Do you have a belief system that makes you resist splitting up?
Now add back the children, the In-laws and the infidelity, and ask the same question but with a twist. "If you were the one that she came to as the "other male" would you be interested in her with her "baggage"?
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
Thanks for your response. I would never think my W an alcoholic in the traditional sense, but in certain situations, alcohol certainly has had a negative impact.
By "take her back", I meant forgive her and not end the relationship. We presently live together. We are trying an inhome separation for the time being (no contact and little to no conversation expect for that regarding children).
Sorry, LostGal, I'm probably just being dense, but I don't understand the first question you posed. Could you rephrase?
Aside from the possible effect divorce would have on my children, I believe it is an acceptable choice to make if attempts have been made to repair the marriage.
Quote: If you had no children and if she didn't go out on you balanced slate if you will, would you still be interested in her? and why?
As a single, available man just meeting her and knew she had no children nor husband, would you be interested in her to date? Why, why not?
Quote: Now add back the children, the In-laws and the infidelity, and ask the same question but with a twist. "If you were the one that she came to as the "other male" would you be interested in her with her "baggage"?
Look at the pieces of your relationship independently, then add blend them together again. When it comes to the children do you have any reason to believe that they would be in danger if you seperated? How do you think your involvement with them would change if you seperated?
What is the climate best case if you stayed married for the rearring of children? Realistically? Worst case?
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
First off, her reasons for her behavior do not sound like they come from someone that is contrite. Rather they seem to blame other outside causes, rather than a character issue with herself.
You ask for opinions, and if you have read anything I have written here, you will probably be surprised with this one.
I would suggest that you seek sole custody of your children. You may find that your wife is more agreeable to this than you might think. Then I think you should divorce. The best time to do all this is when she is feeling remorseful for her actions.
If you decide to continue on, you are very likely to experience the same pain you have already been through, time and time again.
The reason for sole custody is to spare your children the pain of a long string of new 'people' in their lives. If they stay with their mother, this is the likely outcome. Also, the potential for child abuse is greater with increased exposure to people with unknown histories.
I am sorry that I could not offer more encouraging advice.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I could really make use of some of this wisdom. I'll keep this as brief as I can and will provide any additional details as needed.
