Hi, everyone. I've been married for 12 years and have 3 kids. About a month ago I found out my wife was thinking of divorcing me because she is no longer in love with me. We have different work schedules, rarely do anything without the kids, and have basically been neglecting each other. We have started counseling, and I am very hopeful because she now believes that it is possible (but I don't know how probable) to fall in love with me again.
So here is my question: How do you bring love back?? Is it as hard as climbing Mt. Everest? If anyone has any advice, or can recommend any books on how to do this I would be very grateful.
I suggest reading Divorce Remedy first (by yourself - don't share with W yet) and also The Five Love Languages by Chapman (this one you can share with your wife).
That's exactly right. Get started there, read like crazy and then post here. We're here to support you. Biggest things to remember is patience and that time is your friend. Let your changes have time to take effect, don't expect immediate change. Remember she is trying to decide if these changes are permanent and if their effect has fixed it for her. She might be doubting your sincerity or commitment to the changes. She might be trying to decide if she is up to some necessary changes. So be patient, make your changes, follow the books.
One of the things I keep telling myself is that change will bring change. Your changes will bring change in your relationship, even if she is not even trying. She has to react to what you are doing. They explain it better in DR. So set some "baby step" goals, prepare to work, and then get it done. Don't let any challenges get you thrown off course. Decide your going to make things happen and that your in it for the long haul.
From experience I will say the road might seem long but it can be done. I am not done traveling the road, but I can see the ground I've covered and the goal is not too far off. Work on yourself and let the rest follow.
We've all the version of "I'm not in love with you" dont believe it....in fact I wouldnt believe much of what you hear right now difficulet as it may sound. Believe me you wife loves you - you dont just stop.
But as far as getting love back I think it's different for each person....but I dont think of it as getting it back, it was never really lost, just misdirected. Once the roller coaster ends you'll find it was there all the time.
Is it hard..........It may be the hardest thing you've ever had to do, but if it's worth then you'll get thru it. Divorce Remedy is a good book full of alot of good advice.
Reading Divorce Remedy is how I got this far. Believe me, a month ago things looked hopeless. Now W is really willing to try, so I was hoping for some advice on how to bring love back into the marriage.
I am in a similar situation that has improved dramatically over the past month or so. All of the posts you have gotten have been 100 percent accurate. My H told me the same thing only we have been married 6 yrs and together 9. Have D1. Just keep on doing 180's. At times it seems that nothing is working but just give it time. The big realization for me was that I had lost myself over the years to a stressful job and being a new mother. I have quit my job and started a new less stressful one. I have made changes in me for me. In return my H is now seeing the girl he once fell in love with. My H and I are no where near out of the woods but a few months ago we were not even talking or could stand to be in the same room with each other. It was out of the blue for me.
So what I can suggest is to read and reread every book you can find on the subject, especially DR. Also keep reading and posting on this site. It really does work. I am amazed at the turn around in my R just in the past 10 days! Show your W that you are still that same strong person that you always have been. Do things on your own. Make her wonder what you are doing. Be loving but from a distance. She may just realize what a great catch you are and if she is not careful somebody else might just swoop in and take you. Make her realize what she has got to lose.
I am no where experienced in this. I have only been dealing with this for the past 2 months-although my H says it has been going on nearly 3 years! All I can tell you is what has worked or been working for me.
Just believe that anything is possible, don't believe what W says, try to keep your chin up, look for baby steps, be patient, let her come to you and believe!!!
Ohhhh, one other thing-this helped us out a lot too. When you are alone with your W try not to talk about the kids all of the time. Focus on the two of you or what is going on in the world. Act as if you are still dating. I found myself always talking about our D. This really drove my H crazy. Make time for just the 2 of you to do something together. Even if it is watching a movie at night after the kids go to bed or doing something over the weekend. See if you can't make your work schedules coinside with one anothers a little bit better. It sounds as if your R has just been taken for granted and the two of you have grown apart. She might be seeing some other appealing options out there so keep an eye on that. -Bananas
The thing that really gets me about all of this is that we went through the same thing about five years ago. I can't believe that we made the same mistakes AGAIN! We got through that and that is why deep inside I'm convinced we'll be O.K. But day to day I have my doubts. (Like the other day she is sitting at the table with me in DEAFENING silence, looking at the APT. For Rent ads.)
Having gone through this once before (with W even saying that she was going to divorce me)and knowing that it was fixible, I really don't understand why she would want to give up, and why she could tell her family and friends that she wanted to leave, but DIDN'T TELL ME???
