Take a deep breath. Review the years of your marriage together, the years before the A, the bomb and the betrayal. View them with a clear lens. View them with your head more than your heart. And ask yourself some questions -
Did you have a good marriage? Did you ever have grave doubts about your M or your H? Did you really feel loved? Did you feel supported? Did you feel there was genuine communication going on? Do you think if YOU had had a nasty accident, with your eye, or your limbs, your H would have been there for you?
I am not talking about a fairy tale marriage, but a solid, real, comfortable one. Did you have that?
If so, I would recommend that you do whatever it takes to restore that marriage, go by the DBing principles and stick it out, you will eventually end up with a more solid and more meaningful marriage than ever before.
If you can honestly not say your marrigae was that great, if your H did not make you feel safe and secure, I would look into why that was so.
I took a long hard look at my marriage pre-bomb, had a good long hard look at the H I have known for 19 years, and I came to the conclusion that in fact H was not SOOOOOO different from before. Of course he has been going through a MLC crisis, but it has merely magnified his traits, not brought them on out of the blue. I even found out that there is a name for the kind of behaviour he displays and has always displayed. It has helped me to let go of the idea of saving my marriage. Because our marriage would always be built on a sandy foundation. Like a sandcastle, great fun on a sunny day with the tide out, no good at all in the rain and with the tide rushing in!
Only you can say whether your marriage to H is worth saving. But if it is, then trust that things WILL work out. And look to the long term. Look at the bigger picture.
You already knew I read your threads, so I feel comfy jumping in here. Jennifer might cosh you on the head, but I won't. I'd rather draw your attention to some really terrific information.
I see this as a road map to successful reconciliation, sweetie. He's given you--in great detail--a laundry list of what he felt was not working between the two of you.
Positive 1: He's freely sharing his thoughts with you with the intent on rebuilding your M.
Positive 2: He feels comfortable enough to do this.
Positive 3: All of these negatives are behaviors and not personality traits of yours. That means you can change every single one of them without losing yourself in the process.
Quote: His neediness frightens me.
Yes, I'm sure it does. Just as our neediness when they left undoubtedly scared them too. This is something that will abate, if you feed the monster (so to speak) with affirmation and validation.
Quote: I criticised everything he did (actually maybe its not surprising he left but these things are all debatable and he had not ever mentioned being unhappy before. He vehemently denied that he was having an affair.
Yes, I'm sure this is true for you, Midip. But if you put on a different set of glasses, would you agree with that observation?
I just finished reading an awesome book that helped me get more healing projects on my plate. One of them is something I would probably recommend to anyone who's been in the shoes we are in (or have been in).
In this exercise, Debbie was working on herself. She wrote a letter to herself from Dan (her XH) forgiving her for the sins she committed against him and their marriage--and she did so with great detail and saw herself and her behaviors through his eyes. (I cried during this one, because I can see myself through Mr. W's eyes clearly, and it's not something I feel good about.)
Could you take a good hard look at your behaviors before he left and see his truths? This doesn't mean that you don't have your own list, sweetie, but is it possible for you to just listen to him and validate his stuff without having to put your stuff on the table to share?
This process is long and tedious, and if all things are equal and you both really want this M to work, you're going to get your chance to address your issues with him. But something tells me that if you work on the behaviors that he indicated were problems for him in the framework of your M, you might feel differently about yourself and your M. You might even get to see clearly how some of your behaviors triggered the negatives ones in his too.
I know with absolute certainty that some of my own controlling behaviors (which were smoke screens for fears) triggered some hideous behaviors in Mr. W. When I started taking care of my side of the house, a natural result was that he started cleaning up his. It just works that way.
So try to see change in yourself as exactly what he needs to make his own positive changes.
Quote: So this is how I feel: I love/am in love with a man who has knocked me unconscious and thrown me overboard and I have sunk to the bottom of the sea. I have woken up and have been swimming toward the surface (weathering the rocks that man threw to stop my ascent) but just before I could take a breath of air he decided it looked like fun (he dived in despite Ms nympho big tits sitting on board) and instead of two making it easier to get to the surface, one of us is still the stronger swimmer and the baggage is pulling me down.. I am worn out and want to be rescued. I don’t want to live my life rescuing. This is sums up my feeilings as an individual. As a parent of 4 I am screaming and thrashing. I refuse to be parent to 5 again!
Midip, being rescued is a fantasy and an illusion. The only person who can rescue you is you. There will be no inflatable device thrown your way until you start swimming for shore and can make your position more visible to him and those around you.
Remember, you can choose to see this as negative and overwhelming. Or you can choose to see this as enlightenment and positive for BOTH of you in the context of the gift to change both of you for the better.
What you focus on expands. What are some of the positive things about him that you can expand on that might validate and affirm him, bringing the 2 of you closer together? If you have a tough time with this exercise, what are some of the traits that he has that drew you to him? What is still present that you can work on seeing clearly in him each time you communicate?
Quote: He has not taken responsibility for leeaving and setting up with OW, he has not taken responsibility for four childrens emotional welfare (they have not lived with tower of strength, they have endured a depressed woman who managed to tke them to school and feed them – nothing else – and I know he has seen it as a better option.
Midip, this is a recurring theme here on the BB--one where the LBS wants total atonement for being left holding the bag. You've been here long enough to read enough to see that things don't usually happen according to our fantasies.
I'm one of the blessed few who has heard atonement and a sincere apology for hurting me and the kids. And I'm not even reconciling. But I can tell you honestly what undoubtedly occurred to get me to the point where Mr. W. was willing to discuss his remorse with me:
I quit keeping score.
As long as you are holding on to the resentment for being the strong person, you are not forgiving him. And unless he feels your forgiveness--and it has to be genuine--I doubt he's going to fulfill your fantasy with any level of honesty.
And I'm presuming/assuming that you'd want this expression of remorse to be heartfelt and genuine, no?
It's going to have to start with you. As long as you're expecting him to take care of you and rescue you from your feelings, you are continuing to set him and yourself up for failure. Start putting the GAL stuff back on your "to do" list. It will help alleviate some of this incessant desire to hold him accountable for his choices.
One last thing:
Quote: I hav spent 45 years accepting that heart rules head and it is very difficult to make that big transition.
Midip, God gave us both a head and a heart for good reasons. They both need each other and are interdependent on one another--not independent--for survival. They need perfect balance to work harmoniously with one another.
But if your head is negative and you're spewing out negativity, your heart is never going to heal. You simply must replace those negative thoughts with more positive and loving ones. Not just toward him, but yourself as well.
You're a committed mother and have a lot of heart. Forgive yourself for the things that he said he found unattractive enough to leave. Take them seriously, but don't keep longing for the past. You can't change that. But you can and should change how you think and behave from here on out.
So, why not list some of the positive things about him and some goals for behaviors in yourself that he indicated were the top grievances?
(((((Midip)))))
Good luck!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Well, thanks, Betsey, but I think I’ll more likely do what I always do and try to chart the road map toward success.
I see a lot of significant information here, Midip. First of all, a lot of what your H is saying has to do with feeling needed, desirable, and appreciated as a provider as well as a man. I don’t know how to say this gently, but none of the things he listed (bossy, control freak, destroyer of self-esteem) are debatable – it is how he felt and it is how he will continue to feel until you transform your expectations and your dynamic. How he felt then will always be valid, no matter how unfair it feels to you (and I don’t mean to say they are TRUE, that you are a horrible bossy and controlling person, I’m saying simply that these things were true for him). And those awful things can be mitigated (and already have been to a large degree) by your efforts to see him for who he is and accept his feelings without judgment or trying to control him.
He is feeling heard, and that is why he felt safe and comfortable enough to send you this letter – he never would have been able to tell you these things before. He feels safe enough to tell you and not fear retribution, fear that you will turn into a shrew and punish him for opening up his heart to you.
These are wonderful things, Midip, and believe me, I know how hard it is to accept the nasty. I’m still catching myself trying to control S’s feelings when they don’t jibe with what I want them to be. But the more positives you can see in this kind of sharing, the more respect for your H’s feelings you’ll have, and it will show, and reward you many times over.
thank you betsey for all your comments but this one really hit home because its exactly what I have been doing. Obsessing and not GALing.
I'm rather embarassed by my last self indulgent nonsense but the response from Ms b in the O brklyn, betsey and LnL make it worthwhile and I thank you and have been looking yet again v. closely at my nastiness (and oh how comforting to think how ever bad I was during M its not a patch on B&A) and working out exactly how I can turn my behaviour around. And feeling more positive.
I sent H a text thanking him for letter and heart. He texted back that the bottom line was he didn't feel loved, so he left, now he feels loved so he's back. Cleared up any mystery there.
He later texted me to ask if that 'tallied' with my thoughts. I declined to get into texting R talk.
H was v. quiet on texting front today which by 5pm had me in a fair frenzy of insecurity. Finally spoke to him at 10 pm and quizzed him rather too obviously about what he had been doing. He said he was going somewhere tomorrow after flight arrival with friend and so would not be here till 6pm rather thatn 2.30pm. My disappointment was overwhelming and brought on a million feelings of him phoning to say he was going to be x hours later than I expected. This is a typical scenario and I have reacted in exactly the same way - with silence.
After phone convo he texted to say if I was worried about him being in london and seeing OW then he had neither seen nor spoken to her.
I texted back that yes I was fearful of that and disappointed that he was going to be later than i expected. I said ILY and can't wait to see you.
He texted ILY.
So I had the grand opportunity to NOT behave as I always do to disappointment and yet behaved in the same way (it actually brought on another self indulgent bout of tears of self pity relating to all the times when I have been waiting for H and feeling that it is more important for him to score brownie points with other people than me.
Am going to explain those feelings to H tomorrow - without blame, rancour etc etc. just by way of saying it - a 180 because I haven't said it before. ( iam re-reading DR)
Doubt I'll be able to post for the next week as childrn are on holiday so can't wait fo school runs.
Quick update : everything is going very well, helped by glorious sunshine. Romantic bubble still in place and I haven't even felt like talking about anything serious. I feel loved. He will be back full time 25th May.
We started building a treehouse yesterday. Perhaps not no 1 on my list of priorities when we have rooves falling in but romantic and something that has been talked about for a long time.
You're obviously doing lots of things right. I imagine that this time with you and your H has its own fragility and that it is really important for the good times to be in place for a while before you try to sort out what went wrong. I'm really pleased (and envious!!) that you are managing to feel loved without letting past anger get in the way.
Back for good on May 25!! What do your kids have to say about it?
Enjoy yourself. You definitely deserve it!
xo Wendy
My father and step-mother are staying in Massac-Seran in the Lavaur (?) and looking for a house to buy. Is that anywhere near you?
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
This is wonderful news, MidiP. Roof Schmoof! There'll be plenty o' time for that after snogging in the treehouse gets boring. Let's hope that's a long way off.
Your H is showing all the signs of having been returned to Earth relatively unharmed by the aliens who abducted him. Yay!
Betsey