Ok, the W and I finally had a long discussion. This was the first time in many months we’d had this frank of an interaction. In the past I’d begun to avoid them since all they did was lead to frustration, false optimism etc. I’m not sure whether we made some progress or not…what do you think?
We’ve had a tough time over the last 6 years, she went on depression meds, we had twins, job issues etc. She stopped her meds a few months back and she’s dealing with that. Her stopping her meds has been nice since she’s more like herself again. But it means she has to deal with the highs and the lows of life again. So it’s been a while since I felt she/we should approach this issue without adding to her worries.
I started out discussing how she has been, attitudes, emotions etc. She’s still having some trouble and we discussed that. I, late in the conversation, did bring up how all of this has impacted me and how her focus away from me has contributed to some of the problems we’ve been experiencing. I noted that I thought that we are in a vicious cycle where the lack of intimacy equals me distancing myself from her, which I thought resulted in her not wanting to be intimate with me.
I told her I’d reached a point where I about was resigned to a sexless marriage. She gave me the normal, for her, line of “it would be better if I wasn’t around anymore then you could be happy” etc. The discussion continued into the also heard many times statement of “everything is about sex with you….” I explained that it was important but that I had backed off of pressuring her over the last year (she agreed) and that it had been a long time since we had sex. She went off (which is normal around this question) about how she bet I knew exactly how many days/hours etc since we’d had sex. I told her I do not know how many days, I quit counting a long time ago (which I think she realized is a big deal). I do know it was in or before September, although I didn’t tell her that.
She stopped taking her BC several months ago (she doesn’t seem capable of remembering) and she used this as an excuse which led into aren’t you getting a V? I said I’d do it but if we weren’t having sex then it seemed like a waste of time, pain, effort, etc. She used this to say she did not want to get PG and that was part of why we hadn’t had sex. I noted that when she was on BC we had the same trouble so I didn’t buy or accept that as an excuse.
I had asked earlier if she would go back to the EAP program we’d been to several years ago and while she was resistant she did agree she go. Her point in not going was we did not do what the C asked us to when we went before why would we go again?
My goals in this conversation were 1) to try and get the counseling going - which was mildly successful 2) to introduce the concept of a schedule - this one was not successful. At one point in frustration she growled (best way to describe it) “just tell me how often you want to have sex and we will”. I didn’t feel she was serious or in the right frame of mind to discuss this issue further.
So I’m sure I’m missing things and I’m sure this is skewed toward my point of view but what do you think? What should be my next step? Any areas I need to explore further?
lacknlvin -------------- She stopped taking her BC several months ago (she doesn’t seem capable of remembering) and she used this as an excuse which led into aren’t you getting a V? I said I’d do it but if we weren’t having sex then it seemed like a waste of time, pain, effort, etc. ----------------
lacknlvin. Get the V. I had the same proplem, drug my feet until W got her tubes tied. Then she uses my feet draging as ammunition to opt out fo sex. Her attitude seems to be, She did the more difficult BC work and now controls or owns the rights to ML 70/30%. I get the 30% because I took too long to deciding when to get the V.
Typical male thing to do=Put off going to the doctor untill you have to go. I did go make an appointment to get a V but W said Too late, too little effort, so yoy get a smaller piece of the sex pie. BTW V reversal is a lot easier than tubes being reconnected.
Lack: I agree with Lou. Have the surgery--one way or another you aren't having any more kids! Take that excuse away from your W and demonstrate that you are willing to give on some of the issues.
I have no problem with the surgery. My point to her was it won't change anything. It's not the problem only an excuse. When I have the surgery she'll find another.
Lack, I would advise against having the V unless YOU are sure that's what YOU want. Just my 2 cts. When I married my late husband, he had had a V. For him it was not reversible. Believe me, when he had it done, he never in a million years thought he would wind up D and then marry again.
The guys don't seem to think it's all that big a deal, but I think this is a very big step. I don't know how old you are, but if you're under 50 I would think twice. I'm just saying, at this moment, you don't know exactly where your life is heading.
Quote: I have no problem with the surgery. My point to her was it won't change anything. It's not the problem only an excuse. When I have the surgery she'll find another.
Sounds like you have a cronic complainer--correct one issue and she'll find another. My W was the same way--see my thread. As your W has been on depression meds, I don't recommend my way of dealing with the serial complaints; specifically, calling her on it and making clear my intention not to please the unpleasable as it can't be done. Might I suggest working on the other issues to test this theory.
I’m 41 and I have 2 kids, 6 years old. The world would have to change in some dramatic manner for me to want more kiddos. As much as I enjoy them I can’t imagine having more… 
I have always planned on having the V. But it seems rather un-important when you’re not having sex. Plus it’s just another excuse, a delaying technique. My question is how do I move this forward? We’ve been in this situation for a long time and it’s annoying but comfortable…know what I mean?
