April 2004, H and I mutually agreed to separate. We were just roommates and neither was happy. After about a week we decided we missed each other and would stay separated but see each other. Then I found out about OW (our next door neighbor!). He came home for one night but left again the next day.
I fell apart, cried, begged, berated him, etc. He never said he wanted a D but kept seeing her. I could barely live in my house with her next door. Whenever she left I assumed I knew where she was going.
We would have brief R talks--he didn't want to talk. Finally I gave up. He still didn't talk D but was still with her. Now it is June and I've moved into a new place, filed for bankruptcy, sold my truck, trailer and horse--just have to get out of my house next to her.
A MF has been taking me out to dinner and movies. I'm not interested but it's a distraction. H finds out and is devastated. He doesn't want me to be with someone else. So we talk and OW is gone and I tell MF I don't want to go out anymore.
H is depressed, going through replay, has started drinking after 10 years of sobriety. I'm still crying and looking for reassurance from him. He gets angry at that.
In July I find DB on the internet and order the DR book. Then I find the website and start posting. At first it is very hard, I still can't leave him alone. He still doesn't want to talk about R but he doesn't want to give up either.
By August I am getting pretty good at not contacting him but he has started calling at least once a day. I still get anxious waiting. I am going to C and taking prozac. I'm starting to GAL, visiting friends, going to movies, anything to distract me. I still backslide because I get anxious if he doesn't call and I'm afraid he is changing his mind. I call and he gets angry that I'm bugging him again, but he hasn't changed his mind.
By November I am getting really good at GAL and not calling him. He initiates all contact and initiates all plans to be together. He gets upset if I don't answer the phone when he calls. Still not much R talk. I am learning that he isn't ever going to be able to talk much and that men just don't do that much anyway. I am learning to listen and read between the lines. I am watching his actions more. I am paying attention to my reactions and making decisions to react differently or not at all to things. I am learning not to take things personal. I'm learning that he is an adult and must make his own decisions about his life regardless of what I think he should do. Many times I want to tell him what he should do, but I bite my tongue. It gets easier as time goes by.
December is bad cuz he doesn't like the holidays--he is very depressed and drinks a lot. I only see him for about 20 minutes on Christmas Day. He just wants to be left alone and I respect his feelings. Normally I would be trying to make him love Christmas as much as I do, but now I see that just isn't going to work.
Jan and Feb things seem to even out and I'm a little frustrated that we don't seem to be moving forward, just staying in place. We are dating and I'm spending most nights at his house. We are talking every day but that's it. I still do not initiate contact.
At the end of Feb, he says he is moving out of his place. I say where to and he says, "either with you or with my friend, I'm thinking you". I'm shocked because he has never mentioned this. We have a few more problems with my S16; and trying to agree on expectations of each other, which was hard cuz he still isn't talking much.
So there are other things that occurred during this time, but this is the summary. He's been home for a few days now and things are ok so far. I still have to remind myself to leave the "rope" on the floor and let him figure out what to do.
I am grateful for DB and all the people I've met and gotten advice from here. That and some really hard work on my part saved my M. This is not the end of DBing though. It must continue throughout my life and in all I do. My H doesn't even know about DB, I never told him what I was doing.
Most of what has happened is just what you read in the DR. It takes lots of work, patience and forgiveness of your spouse and yourself, but I think it can be worth it.
This is my first post. I have read and keep rereading Divorce Remedy. It makes a lot of sense, but it's so hard to do. Some days are so good but others, like yesterday and today, are so painful, I just want to quit. We've been separated for 5 months. He said he didn't want a divorce, but today I don't know what the hell he does want. I don't call anymore and the past couple of days he has called less than he usually does and doesn't have much to say. I just feel really hopeless today, like I want to just end the whole thing and put myself out of my misery. But I still want him and the thought of actually ending it is a little more than I can bear right now. My heart is just breaking and I need some encouragement to keep going.
Thanks so much for posting.It really helped me to read your sitch. My H had an a with someone who worked for us in our house. I feel a kinship with you because your H had a with your neighbour.
It is really encouraging to me that you were able to forgive him. I felt for a long time that what my H did was heinous and I would never be able to forgive the betrayal. It still hard sometimes but I have mostly forgiven him ( although he has never admitted the a).
I am having a tough time with dbing. Good to see it gets easier with time. Good luck to you and your H.
Congratulations! So, you were S for 5 months and then he said he wanted to move back in! Awesome. Good for you. I noticed that you didn't initiate the contact. I know that that is what my H wants. He wants a little control over his life and I want a little control over him!
Please, do you have another thread where I can learn about what you did to make your R/M successful? Please share it with me. Still_n_Love333
Molli Your stories give hope. You are so strong for what you did. You are correct about the DBing, I think it goes on for life if you get back together. Even though this is painful, it sure has taught me a lot.
I am trying to be a friend to my H. Separated 7 months with not much conversation. As far as I can see, he doesnt mind me calling as long as its not too much or about "us".
I never tried the being a friend part. I went stright from persuit into going dark.
I was just wondering, how were conversations when he called? What did you talk about? Mostly him, did he ask questions about you? I want to learn how to have a good coversation without him feeling pressured. Any advice?
It is very hard in the beginning. You are learning a new lifestyle and you have spent many years learning the one you already know. So it does take lots of time, patience and hard work.
I think it would be harder to forgive if my H never admitted to the A. But OW called me (anonymously) and told me about it. Now, her, I can't forgive yet. I have lots of anger toward her but I never showed it to her. I spent a lot of time with her D10 and I think she betrayed me and her kids by doing what she did. And she is a real skank! Different men at her place all the time. But my H was the best she'd had. He has a good job, nice car and a little money. She and her other guys are alcoholics and have nothing. I felt so bad for her kids, D10 and D2. I could tell her D10 was really worried about her. Sometimes she would be gone for a couple of days and her D10 was sad (she left them with some homeless people she let move in to help her pay her mortgage and have someone to be with the girls). My H was someone I didn't recognize--he had been sober for 10 years and he was drinking and running around with really weird people. But that is MLC for ya!
However, the more you practice DB, the better you will get and the more he is going to get comfortable and feel good around you. Keep it up!
Stillnlove--I never really had my own thread, I spent a lot of time on others with people in the same sitch and we would encourage each other. If you click on my name you can then click on "see all users posts" and pick up some stuff there.
We were S for 11 months and in the last 6 months was when I was DBing.
I can totally relate to the control thing cuz I want to control everything! And I am working really hard and letting go of that control, not just of H but of other things in my life that I cannot really control. It has given me some peace, finally!
Letting go is so important--it is good for me and my growth and good for H too. Letting him be who he is without my judging and manipulating him to try to get him to be what I think he should be should be has really made a difference. He is becoming more concerned about my feelings and wants to spend more time with me.
But, you have to both be ready before you get back together. I really wasn't ready for a long time and not sure if I am ready now, but it is a risk I'm willing to take. I've got a great DB toolbox to help me!
There are lots of great people on here with wonderful advice. Read everything you can. The support and understanding gets me through.
Journaling: Sometimes I feel myself heading toward that victim thing. Boy that is a hard one to beat, but being aware of it helps me to switch my thinking before I do something I will regret. Last night he stopped at a friend's on his way home from work. He called to let me know, then a couple hours later he called again to say they were working on a car and having a good time telling lies. I told him to have a good time and see him later. Then I start thinking those old thoughts about why doesn't he come home, why am I not the priority in his life, blah, blah, blah. Then he called one last time about an hour later to say he was on his way home and had a great time with friends and did I miss him? I pushed the victim really hard away from me and told him yes I missed him and was glad he was having a good time.
Before I would have went with the victim and not had much to say on the phone--grumpy attitude toward him and pretended I was asleep when he got home. But, that never really got me anywhere did it?! So this time, I'm awake, watching tv, asking him about his night, we are playing with the dog and it's all good! What a difference, but still takes work on my part.
We haven't done anything special yet. I know he doesn't want to make a big deal out of it, but I'm going to ask for a dinner out--no R talk, just enjoy each other's company.
One thing, we haven't put our rings back on yet. He said he will but I haven't seen it. I have a feeling he may have lost it and doesn't want me to know. He once said OW took stuff from him that he didn't know she took--so guess what I'm thinking about the ring! Anyway, I'm not going to accuse, just waiting. I'll probably put mine on and see what happens.
There was a time in the beginning when there wouldn't have been any contact but I kept initiating cuz I was totally freaked out! The longest we went without talking was 3 days. He was really depressed during that time and wasn't really talking to anyone.
Larjo--the conversations were always pretty short. I always answered the phone smiling with a happy note to my voice even if I felt like crap. I wanted him to hear that I was feeling good and happy that he was calling. He would ask me what I was doing and I always had something even if I made it up. I might say I just got home and he would want to know where I was--out with friends. Sometimes he wanted to know who and sometimes he didn't. Sometimes I said friends from work that he didn't know. Or sometimes I was just folding laundry. Then I'd ask what he was doing and he would go into where he had just been and with who and what they were doing. I would ask at least one question about the event to show interest. If it was a negative thing, I would validate and take his side. If it was positive I would comment on how great it was. Usually the calls were in the evening between 8 and 10. He sometimes gave me an opening to ask if he wanted company for the night and he would say, "if you want to". He can never say he wants me too. Something about that is very hard for him. Before I would take that as he didn't really care, but now I see that is just the only way he can do it.
Most of the time I didn't talk about me unless he asked something and then I didn't always give much. And he didn't want to talk about "us" either. He just wanted to have comfortable, friendly conversations, and for me to sound happy to hear from him--sometimes I would tell him I was glad he called.
I will also say there were period of uncomfortable silence during these calls. Neither knew what to say. But at least I didn't use that silence as a beginning to an R talk or sarcasm. Most calls were less than 5 minutes and a lot of them ended with me accepting his "invitation" to come over.
My advice is listen, try to read between the lines (he wouldn't be calling if he didn't want to talk to you, even if he can't say it). Ask about him and what he's doing. Validate. Let it all be about him, soon he will start asking more about you.
Try to let him do more of the contact initiation. Give him some control over little things like that. Let him run the show for a while. This worked for me anyway.
Keep track of the positive results--don't dwell on what you might have seen as a negative--that just might be an assumption on your part.
Molli Thanks for the advice. Its really difficult to talk to your H when you are in a separation. Sometimes we seem like strangers and sometimes like us again.
I am usually the one to initiate the contact. Most of the time a short text message, then he will call or text back. Sometimes he doesnt. Im going for something different now and trying to be a friend.
He says he still cares very much for me, but doesnt think the marriage will work.Going dark right now doesnt give me the opportunity to show any changes, so I decided to keep contact, keep it short, conversation light and not about us or me.
He once told me months ago that he liked our phone conversation, it made him want to be near me. I always remembered those words.
