I'm not sure what boundries I can set since I feel trapped. I don't want to leave since the kids are more important to me than anything else. I could move into the other room but I'm not sure this would be a negative. At first I'm sure she'd be upset but after a few nights I'd be lucky to ever set foot in my own room again.
What are some other good examples of boundries I could consider?
Those sound like walls meant to impose distance. Boundaries are about taking care of yourself in a loving way. They are not punitive. Anger may help you see how you've been lacking them, but they shouldn't be adopted in anger.
Have you read the "Boundaries in Marriage" book? That really helped me understand the concept. The "sticking around for the kids" issue can run both ways. What are you teaching them about healthy loving relationships? About standing up for your integrity? Are they going to thank you in 15 years for making yourself miserable on account of them? It's not that you have to walk out the door tomorrow. It's more, "I will not live forever in a sexless/loveless marriage." No definite walk-out date is given...just the promise that you won't be around forever if she's not willing to work on it.
Thanks your responses, they really made me think this through some more…
To have an enforceable boundary you must have results/reactions for having the boundary exceed. Right? So my boundary is “regular LM” (insert whatever frequency we can agree on). However I feel pretty emasculated when it comes to the reaction. What can I do when my options are so limited?
Hairdog – my wife and I get along great outside the LM issue. I’m not happy about where we are at but I work hard to make sure the kids are not aware of the situation. I focus most of my attention on them, now.
I’ll have to think about the ultimatum without a date…
Forgot to answer Hairdog's question...no I've not read that book. I'll check it out. I can say I'm not thrilled about the prospect of reading another book. I feel I'm the only one taking action, only to run smack into a "brick wall". After a few smacks in the head from the "wall" my motivation is starting to go away.
