I usually post on newcomers and posted this there. I thought I should also post it here. I hope some of you have some good advice. Been gone for some time working on DBing and trying not get thrown from this wild rollercoaster. Well this morning W finally admitted to affair with OM. She said it has been going on since Jan., But she ended it 2 days ago and wants us to try to work things out. Finally hearing the truth that cofirms all of my past hunches is a great burden off my shoulders. Now I know the full truth, but it still hurts like H*LL and I know I am going to have a hard time dealing with the thought of her and one of my best friends together in an ongoing relationship. I know her honesty is a huge first step as well as her desire to reconcile. I love her and want things to work out but I don't know how i should approach working through my emotions and hurt about the affair. I don't want that memory to stand in our way but I'm afraid if I don't approach things in just the right way it may be a stumbling block. She says she still loves other man as a friend and considers him one ofher best friends.
hi im so sorry she hurt you. i hope things will work out for you and hope you already bought the db book. it will be hard but itll get easier as time goes ..
Yes, I bought DB back in april. It has been my guiding force and life line. I guess only time will dull the pain, but words of wisdom from someone who has been through this would be greatly appreciated!
I caught my wife a few nights ago with a "friend" of mine who was supposedly trying to help me through this. I wish my wife would come back anyway. I have no plans on living with it if she comes back, I'm just gonna put it in the past and do my best to forget that terrible scene.
Under no circumstance whatsoever should your "Friend" ever be even a remote part of either of your lives again though, I do know that much.
Hang in there! You have an advatage over a lot of us on this board, as many of our spouses have not talked or agreed to "Work" things out.
I would say GIVE IT ALL you've got if you really think she is serious. She must be willing to totally remove herself from the OM and also be commited to never hurting you again.
I have done a lot of praying, asking God to give me the strength to forgive. It's a very difficult thing to do, but it can be done with time and effort. I owe my sanity to answered prayers.
Wouldn't we all love to just "forget"? Unfortunatly we probably never will. If you dwell on it, you'll never be able to completly forgive her.
You will both need assurance/love and support from each other, to help you get through this difficult time.
Go out and get the book "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. The book was key for me to understanding my emotions, why I felt the way I did, and outlines a plan for restoring trust with specific behaviors.
I also read an article once that talked about a guaranteed way to let go of your anger. It said that your W must apologize to you with true remorse, tears in the eyes, "I'm sorry, so sorry". She must then listen as you rant through your feelings of anger: How could you expose me to the possibility of sexually transmitted diseases, how could you with him--the two people I trusted most in the world, and on and on until you get out every possible emotion. The article stated that this will clear the emotional plate: you will not have held anything in, she will understand the depth of your pain, neither of you are martyrs.
If she wants to work things out, that is wonderful for you. I'm sorry you had to get to this point for it to happen, but you've been given the chance to work on your marriage. Many on these boards would kill to be given the chance--myself included.
The betrayal is difficult to get past, I understand that. Keep asking yourself, what could your W do that would help to ease this pain? Then let your W know what you come up with. If she chooses to do those things, then you should not punish her by holding the affair against her forever.
Also, ask your W what lead to the affair. What would SHE change about your marriage to make it a better union.
I havn't checked this thread for a while and I really appreciate your responses and advice. Things are at a very difficult place for me now. Me and my wife both agreed that she should have no contact w/ OM, but she has had limited contact with him over the past week for different reasons, all of which she has told me about up front. I don't like the contact, but at least she is being honest with me. Also, naturally I am very eager about OR, but she is still very distant and withdrawn. She wants me to slow down and back off a little, because she says she wants to take things slow and let her feeling for me come back naturally. So I am trying to give her what she needs. It is not easy though. She told me I am being to anxious and she feels like I am pressuring her to have feeling that she doesn't feel comfortable having for me yet.(?) I want to do what ever is neccessary for us to have the best chance possible, and I am trying to hear what she is telling me and respect her needs. We have an appointment to start with a conselor that come highly recommended from a friend. Our appontment is tuesday. Hopefully she will be able to help us both find our way back to each other in the most positive and healthy way possible. I am trying my best to stay focused on the long term and ignore my short term needs that may push her away again. This is very hard, but I am trying my best to stay focused and strong for us.
Just checking to see how things are going for you. I would like to offer alittle advice not that I am an expert but there was a time in my life that I had a similar position as your wife.
About 4 years after we where married, I felt I needed some space because I didn't think I loved my H the way I should. I was gone for 2 months before he pursuaded me to come home. My H seemed to smother me at times. When your hurting and trying to deal with your feelings it's difficult trying to deal with your spouses too. It was a real turn off for me. Once he settled down and gave me some room to breath, things got better.
It's great that you two are seeking counceling. I wish we had. Maybe we wouldn't be in this situation now. Just give her "quiet" reasurance that you are there for her and love her from a close distance. You have made a big step in getting her to come this far. You can make it all the way if you both truely want that.
I am concerned that she has still had contact with OM. What legitmate reason could there be for that? I wouldn't like it either. Considering my H works with his OW, it will be very difficult knowing he would still see her, should he ever decide to come home. He has a great job and it would be financially devastating to give that up right now. I just wish she would quit!!! I really can't imagine why, other than work, she would feel the need to see him. She should break all ties, in my opinion. I am not sure that issue should be pushed right now. You should be proud that she is telling you up front instead of lying about it. That's a start anyway.
Good Luck, let us know how the counceling is going and keep us posted as to your progress. Do you feel the DBing principles really made her come back? I will read your other post as soon as I can. My books haven't come yet, I just started posting about a week or two ago, so I am still trying to understand this concept.
You have benefit since your W is AT HOME with you. Guarantee that she won't notice changes in YOU for AWHILE..... but YOU keep working on YOU. You will see a difference in all your relationships! Work, friends, family..... some may or may not appreciate the new you w/ the self-esteem and knowing what you want for a change - but they will admire you for it . I kind of like the "exceptions" part - find out what worked in the past - your part in what worked - and GO for it.
Oh, and "feelings come back naturally". What the heck does THAT mean? How DID your love start? A MACK TRUCK hit ya? Or did ya get to know each other over 5 or 6 years?.... What the heck IS LOVE ANYWAY????? (I know what LUST is...... but can you actually describe the enduring love that a relationship/marriage is to be based? Try to define it)
Keep the faith.
[This message has been edited by TheSeeker (edited 08-19-2000).]
Try the book, "Getting Back Together" by Bilicki and Goetz. It's cheap at $9.95 but provides a wealth of information, including how you can reconnect with yourself (very important) and stuff for getting back together with your spouse. The book deals with the point of view that the two of you are separated, but I think you can get it to apply to any type of living situation.
You may also want to check out "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It will help you to understand how your W expresses and receives love. I think it is such an eye-opening book that I give it out for wedding and anniversary presents now.
- but they will admire you for it 
. I kind of like the "exceptions" part - find out what worked in the past - your part in what worked - and GO for it.