Just got back from dropping NG off at the airport, he is away for a couple of days. Can I say, I'm looking forward to the time to reflect quietly - what a change from a few months ago when I was fretting if ow was going with him
This thread is to mark my attempt to lose some of the negative sentiments that were creeping around over the weekend. I've been drifting along a little, and really need to pull up my socks and focus. Starting with my home. I should not live in an environment that is less than pleasing to me, just because NG does not want to go shopping, or does not pick up after himself.
Our bedroom is long overdue for a revamp - we are short of smart storage space. Last time we went to the furniture store, NG suggested we had lunch, and then said he was not in the mood for furniture shopping. He has not been in the mood for the past month. Well, I just came back from ordering new wardrobes, they are being delivered and assembled tomorrow and the whole bedroom will be sorted by the time he gets back. The way I see it, he gets the hassle-free space he wants, I get the better environment I want. Everybody wins.
With luck, I can re-frame it as a wonderful surprise for him. Wish me luck in reframing the many other less-than-perfect realities around here
But I don't think you'll need it. Somehow, the times when I've taken those types of matters into my own hands, Mr. W. has been very grateful to have been left out of the loop. I think he has discovered a sense of fatigue in my constant desire to improve my nest--and if it's not a concern to him, attempts to find a nice way of telling me to leave him out of it?
Here's to modifications that improve effiency and aesthetics!
GO YOU!
Betsey
p.s. Am I #1?
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Well, NG may be less than pleased on a couple of fronts, and I think I've got that covered:
1. we have too much furniture (stuff) in the house - well, this is not true - most visitors refer to our place as the Zen temple - its so simple. Reaction to stuff is NG's way of fighting the realities of his childhood when the home was cluttered to high heaven And anyway, I'm planning to sell on a spare sofabed and an old tv stand, both are currently serving as makeshift pieces that the wardrobe will make redundant.
2. we are spending too much money - maybe so, but we both just got bonuses, so perhaps we can afford a little enhancement to our environment?
But yes, I do believe he will on the whole be happy to have been relieved of the 'fun'
Good job, Slowly! I think it was a wonderful idea. I agree with Betsey - many men want things like that to just "appear" and start working without any effort or decision making on their part. (One notable exception is S., who has to have his fingers in every pie on the table!)
So the sting of spending too much money will go away when he finds his inner peace being restored by an organized bedroom.
Hi Randy - Thanks for stopping by, it's wonderful to know old friends are still around
I'm looking forward to putting a positive sparkle on things in my life, and not let the situation defeat me. It has taken me a while to notice that when I'm under pressure at work, especially with deadlines, things look bleak at home too - duh - I should have seen this pattern sooner Well, not too late, at least now I'm able to pace myself accordingly, and expect feeling low when stuff in the office gets rough.
Well, I do want to focus, so here are my goals for the year, and progress in the first 2 months (yikes, how time flies)
Enjoy today, everyday, with NG Honestly, I think we are doing a better job of enjoying each other now than we did before the a. It's like our senses are more engaged, and we are trying harder to be considerate companions. BUT, there is an underlying current of unfinished business, lack of trust on my part, and lack of confidence in his.
Focus on improving my health, physical energy, and emotional well being Hmmm, my real world buddies are nowhere in sight, I've unfortunately put on 4 lbs (its been so darned cold...) and them abs are no trimmer than in December. Yoga is coming along nicely though. NG seems keen to explore pilates, so we'll see what comes next.
In the interest of focus, I'll stick to these two - especially as the social network seems to have acquired a life of its own and is growing in leaps and bounds. My job now is to journal at least once a week an interaction with NG that surfaces discomfort for me - too often I try to brush these feelings away, only to have them return in greater strength later Time to tackle some of these demons.
Well, I do want to focus, so here are my goals for the year, and progress in the first 2 months (yikes, how time flies)
Enjoy today, everyday, with NG Honestly, I think we are doing a better job of enjoying each other now than we did before the a. It's like our senses are more engaged, and we are trying harder to be considerate companions. BUT, there is an underlying current of unfinished business, lack of trust on my part, and lack of confidence in his.
Focus on improving my health, physical energy, and emotional well being Hmmm, my real world buddies are nowhere in sight, I've unfortunately put on 4 lbs (its been so darned cold...) and them abs are no trimmer than in December. Yoga is coming along nicely though. NG seems keen to explore pilates, so we'll see what comes next.
In the interest of focus, I'll stick to these two - especially as the social network seems to have acquired a life of its own and is growing in leaps and bounds. My job now is to journal at least once a week an interaction with NG that surfaces discomfort for me - too often I try to brush these feelings away, only to have them return in greater strength later Time to tackle some of these demons.
Without a doubt, the biggest issue I struggle with is the 'why' - I can just hear Betsey, Pen and a whole host of others on the 'let it go', but it just keep tugging away at me Here is a post Ellie made over at Helkat's thread last June
Quote: Helkat: I worry about being hurt again, I worry that he's just playing me for a fool, I worry that I will never feel the same again.................and I know I have every right to feel that way but does it ever end? does the dread ever go away? How do you stop the fear of "what if"
Ellie: Yes, it does go away, but it takes time. In my case, it was also really important that my H work out WHY he'd had the affair in the first place - I feel much more secure now that he's received treatment for his depression, and realized the roles "longing" and fear of abandonment played in him keeping one foot out the door of our marriage.
Now, from NG's perspective, this is an area he does not want to delve into 'proactively' - on one hand, he has told me that he just wants to forget the whole thing ever happened. On the other hand, he feels he is unable to justify his actions, but that over time, awareness and understanding will come naturally
Unfortunately, during my bad days, I really get stuck on this 'why' of the a, and 'why' he is unable/unwilling to understand the root cause of so much hurt in our lives. I find myself questioning my judgement, my instincts and generally feeling like I'm on shaky ground. It feels awful. Fortunately these yucky days/moments are minimal, and diminishing.
To counter these, here are the positives: + lots of physical touch, especially on the couch when we are watching tv, and of course in bed. Most of it is just holding hands, but this is something we did not doo too much of in the past + NG is slowly sharing more and more of his life away from me - work! He used to be reluctant to talk about work (or hear about my work day) and I now see that he may have been uncomfortable. He had a slower start to his career, and has begun to feel confident career-wise only just recently. + he is spending so much more time at home; working from home unless he is travelling. Wonderful.
OK, so guys, help me put all this into perspective ?
I have been following your previous thread for sometime. Funny, today I planned to ask you how you have gotten over the fact that your H. had an a. and that he said that he did not plan to leave you or did not love you (or words to that effect).
I ask not to bring up old hurts but because i am struggling with the fact that my H had an a which he will not admit to (I have no physical proof). He did say that he was sorry he hurt me and that it will never happen again.
He said to me this morning that he loves me and knows what we have, that our M is stronger now and that he would think twice before doing anything like an a to jeapordise it.
He says I say I will trust him and when he tries to hold on to that I yank it away from him. I think he regrets what he did and is trying and wants me to believe in him again.
I love him, I have mostly forgiven him. But there are days when I can't believe that he would do such a thing and ask myself why and who is he? Sometimes i wonder if the hurt ever goes away. Do we ever trust again. Can we really come home? Would appreciate your thoughts on this.
Betsey
And anyway, I'm planning to sell on a spare sofabed and an old tv stand, both are currently serving as makeshift pieces that the wardrobe will make redundant.
Well, not too late, at least now I'm able to pace myself accordingly, and expect feeling low when stuff in the office gets rough.
Time to tackle some of these demons.