My husband has been having and on/off affair for the past year and a half. It started out as "friends". I was pregnant and enjoying life while he was out really having fun.I found out and confronted him...at first he denied it and then after catching him throgh text messages and phone bills he admitted to it. He said it was over but he continued talking to her. He told me that he loves her and not me....but then he tells me that he loves me. I am so confused. I spoke to the OW and she said that they are in love and that he doesnt love me. She gave me details on what went on. I was disgusted. I gave him a chioce to end it or end it with me. He felt that they could still be freinds....and now he is talking to a girl that he use to date and tells her about our maritial problems....she is just a "friend" too! I love my H and we have a beautiful little girl who is only one. I want so bad for our marriage to work out...but can he stop! Now he told me that something in him tells me that he doesnt want to be married. He said that he is sick of me accusing him of things even though the accusations were true. He said that he feels a divorce is necessary. I dont want to lose out on all that we have worked on (our marriage). I also dont wat to lose to the OW1 or OW2. What can I do!
Ex's are off limits in our marraige (a joint decision to protect our marraige). Its just common sense and if he can't see that it is not appropriate then he is very naive,in denial or just a plain selfish child.
He didn't end it. Ending it is NO more communication of any kind, not even eye contact. This was what my psychiatrist told us when we were in that position.
He felt that they could still be freinds....and now he is talking to a girl that he use to date and tells her about our maritial problems....she is just a "friend" too!
Ok. He CANNOT just be friends. He already proved that to you.How would he feel if you decided to be friends with an ex lover and a new guy as well? My advice is to go to a good pyschiatrist or counseler.We did and it saved our marraige. If he won't go he needs to know it is OVER and the wheels of D are turning (even if you don't want it to be) From my experience and what I've seen when they are left with ultimatims they decide faster and save you a lot of time grieving either way they decide.But never make them think you will put up with sh-t because then they'll drag it out for as long as possible.He may choose her at first and come back but don't let him have you in limbo. You will survive whatever happens I promise you.
Now he told me that something in him tells me that he doesnt want to be married. He said that he is sick of me accusing him of things even though the accusations were true. He said that he feels a divorce is necessary. - He may be right.You have to be strong even if it feels like you're falling apart. He will be more inclined to go to you if you "got it together" then if you are as in turmoil and confused like he may be. All begging, crying, and pleading will just hurt your chances (I swear on my kids heads).And its not fair but that is the best way to play this out if theres any chance of having him straighten up.You have to act like thats it, I'm moving ahead either way-with H in counseling (and to make it work he needs to cut all contact w/ them)or w/o H altogether. You have to play hardball,it works.
I know its against our nature to do this when all we want to do is cry,plead,beg, and love on them till they come around. You have to play it Cool as a cucumber. Understand?I feel for you and there are people who will let you cry to them and hold you through this but it can't be him. He needs to feel consequences coming it works with kids -it will work for him.If your patient you may have him back or you may change your mind. Hard to believe but you might I never thought my heart could change in some ways but it can. Again either way you must be firm and cool. Its you're best bet I'm serious read books,talk to experts. Ever hear that poem similiar to this:Let love go if it comes back to you it is yours if not it never was.Be strong. I'll be waiting to hear from you.
You can never make him reform, it is up to him and how much you mean to him. Just resolve to take care of yourself. If you beg him or act jealous and angry he will go. If you take care of yourself and keep your dignity, you will show him you value who you are, with him or without him. We fall in love with people we look up to and admire, people who make us feel better about ourselves when we are with them. If you act as though you deserve to be admired you will get your needs met, if he can meet them. If you beg, act jealous, or desperate and angry, those are not admirable qualities, and he is sure to see you in a less than admirable light.. My advise would be to say you love him and want this relationship, but then ask him to go figure out if he wants it too, or not. Tell him you can't help him decide if he wants, you and your child or someone else. Tell him to go away for a time to think and give him a month to figure it out. If he returns to stay, never ask him what he did that month. Instead ask him to prove he wants to work through the problems by attending counseling together. Men who cheat elsewhere often stay with their wife as a habit, only away from home, can they make a real decision. Habits are broken in 2 weeks. A month will give him and you time to see if being together is what you both decide you want. Loving someone and staying faithful is a concious decision. Do not let the term "just friends" fool you, We do not have to explain our friends. Its more like "just interested" until it becomes more, or until they decide if that person if better than what they already have. Men rarely leave unless and until they have someone else waiting in the wings.
