Last night W and I had a conversation that turned towards sex. She said that sex has turned into a job and a chore over the last several years. Still kinda rocked by that statement. She expected me to take that statement with no qualms or issues. I'm flabbergasted...
GEL - thanks for your response. Here is some more insight...
She feels this way because she has the perception that it is expected. She has the feeling that she is obligated to fulfill a request. Whether or not that perception is valid I can not say. I obviously dont feel as tho I gone around the house putting pressure on her. In fact, I havent so much as touched her sexually in about a month. I purposely stopped. I hasnt made a difference. If anything she feels better because of it (her words). If I left it up to her to intitiate we'd rarely ML (again, her words).
Another reason she feels this way is because of timing for lack of a better expression. Basically, she falls asleep at the drop of a hat (she's fallen asleep at nightclubs, concerts, back of a motorcycle etc). She really does not like to ML in the morning and when she's in bed at night she feels like she has to "wake herself up" in order to ML. She's often fallen asleep during foreplay (great for the ego and self confidence - lemme tell ya). So that pretty much leaves the middle of the day - which would be fine if neither of us worked and we didnt have a 13 year old at home.
Lastly, things have become stale. It's kinda the same routine every time. Same postion, same location, yadda yadda. Not much to do about that if there's no opportunity. If I dont get a chance at bat how do I try and get a hit?
Everything just seems like a catch-22 in this relationship. It's getting very frustrating. My stich to come as time permits...
Hmmm...that's interesting. Falls asleep at the drop of hat? Did I get that correct? Is it possible she's depressed? Has she been checked for that? If this is the case there are soooo many medications on the market that could really help that situation.
I don't know what to tell you about the pressure. Of course there is going to be pressure. Married couples make love. That is a fact. She is beating herself up for not doing her part and then blaming you for the supposed pressure you are putting on her. What pressure? You're married to her, that's all. And married people have sex.
I have had some success in having the following convo with my H, but I don't know if it would work with your H: What time of day would you like to have sex? He: Well the mornings I am too busy getting ready to go to church. The evenings I usually fall asleep. The afternoons are consumed by the kids. So I don't know what to say.
Me: Well there has to be a time and I need to know what chunk of time you are willing to carve out a spot for me and making love. He: Well I just told you about my day. Me: I heard you. I am asking you to tell me where we are going to tweak that schedule, in order to be able fit it in. He: wh....uh...er......
etc.
It had simply never occurred to him that he would have to make changes and that these excuses were not valid within the context of marriage. As you say, you are NOT her roommate.
This is a rather hard nosed approach and I don't know that it would work with a woman as it did with my H--who is a tell it to me straight kinda guy.
But I think the message needs to be communicated to her in some fashion--it is simply not acceptable and won't work in the long run (for the M) to write off sex. You love her, you will think of a way to phrase this that doesn't sound so harsh.
Perhaps something like: What are you willing to offer me in terms of our sex life? What changes are you willing to make in order to be able to fit some couple time into our lives?
If she says "nothing", then you will know it is time to schedule some counseling.
Yes... at the drop of a hat. It's been an issue since I've known her (12+ years). I don't think she is depressed - like I said ... its been an issue for years. It's another great catch-22 of my life. Almost on a nightly basis, she falls asleep on the sofa. If I try and wake her up to come to bed with me, it often escalates into a problem. She gets upset and angry... I get upset and offended... back and forth... However, if I leave her on the couch to come to bed when she wakes in the middle of the night, she gets offended because I didnt try to wake her. She comes to bed at 3am and is angry and wakes me asking why I left her out there. I've asked her repeatedly what I am supposed to do... only to have no answer. "I dont know... no idea... *shrug*...I wish I knew" all answers I've heard before. This is a very very sore subject in our house. I've often said that this is the only thing I'd change about her...
That is some great stuff there. I think she'd have much of the same reaction that your H did. I've take the soft approach to this and perhaps it's time to take a hard line. She is very stubborn and hard-nosed so it may backfire. I'm going to try it anyway. What have I got to lose?
As for meeting her needs... if you mean orgasm... yes. She frequently reaches O once sometimes twice. However there is the occasion that she "just cant get there". I can go for quite a while, but she just cant reach that point of no return. I make it a point to fulfill her every time. I know I wouldnt want to ML and not O. I know that ML is more than O and I'm not fixated on the O... I think it's just important.
I have to agree with Stubborn on this...has she been checked for Sleep Apnea or anything like that. Wanting to sleep this much and falling asleep at a drop of the hat IS NOT NORMAL.
And it still could be depression. Clinical depression needs to be treated and could go on for YEARS if not treated. I would really suggest that you encourage her to go get checked. It would be sad if you could have a much happier R and the solution were this simple and it wasn't checked out.
Look at it this way...what do you have to loose? And if nothing else you're ruling something out if it turns out not to be the case.
No... hasnt been checked for anything like this, but I wouldnt rule it out. We often joke with others that she is borderline Narcoleptic... not really that funny to me since it cuts to the bone. Getting her checked for this will be a struggle. She is an old school farm girl that was raised with the belief that you dont go to the Dr unless its something borderline life threatening. This is marraige threatening - so maybe that appraoch will work. Like you say - I dont have much to lose.
