Update time. Havent posted in a while. So here is the latest
Took W out golfing on Saturday, invided her best friend and her hubby. It was a fun time, W seemed to be the usual distant and angry person towards me all day. It seems strange to me how some one can be happy and laughing one minute and angry and spiteful the next. The only words exchanged on drive up and back were after I took the ladies cart back. W says "did you get the scorecard?" my response was no sorry did you need it? W: Well ya it would be nice to know what I shot!" H: Runs back to cart and asks staff to help find the card, no luck returned to disgruntled W. Later I find out that her friend actually already had the card. No apology from W. Nothing stone silence. Oh well. We agreed to go over to her friends house for supper, got the kids and went over. Continuation of total sepparation of W towards me. Oh well. Had an enjoyable evening dispite her distance and cold attitude. After we got home and put kids to bed, W fell asleep in D5's bed. Came down later and said she was going to bed. I was wide awake and feeling rather lonely so I went for a walk (I made a mistake here not telling W), ended up at a local pub for a few and got home about two hours later. Next day she tells me she was looking for me and was upset that I was gone. I know this was a stupid move and am still beating myself over it.
Sunday W initiates convo. Teh usual opening line is: So what are WE going to do? Lots of silence. W like to pick time to talk when kids are up, makes it difficult to have any kind of long convo. We talked about the disconnection that seems to be going on. I mentioned that I have not disconnected as much as she has and that sometimes I dont take things well. In a prior convo I had mentioned that it seemd like there was some kind of competition going on over the kids attention, she brought it up and agreed that it seemd that way to her as well. Convo ended by phone calls and kids and never got anywhere. W asked that we continue convo once kids got for a nap that afternoon.
Later that afternoon, W asks pointed question again What are WE going to do? I told her that from my upbringing and christian background that I didnt beleive D was an option, however is she felt she wanted to leave then there was nothing I could or would do to stop her. I did state that if she wanted to leave and "give up" on our R then I felt it only fair that she expalin to the kids that she wanted to leave. Nuclear explosion. She yelled that she thought I was saying that we should live in misery for the rest of our lives. I restated that I felt that if we were able to rise above the anger and hurt feelings and work TOGEATHER on finding out what it is the other wants / needs and knowing what we are doing to work towards that goal then I felt we could have a loving family and a loving R. Words fell upon deaf ears. Once the convo started getting heated I tried numerous times to stop the convo and try to pick it up later after cooler heads prevailed (mostly hers, I kept my cool thoughout). W went to a bookstore after convo and picked up two books, one kids book called when mommy and daddy forgot how to be friends, the other was about how to deal with kids in a divorce. I had asked her before she left to try and find a book called Adult children of divorce. She told me she couldnt find it but did find some others that she was sure I wouldnt like.
Later that eve W asked what I thought of the convo earlier (alot of animosity in her voice). I told her I didnt enjoy it but I felt she needed to know where I stood. I then told her I wasnt comfortable with the convo but would discuss what she wanted to talk about (how she sees life after divorce). It seemed that even though she tells me that she tought alot about all the possible outcomes, when asked a direct question on items like how she saw dividing up parenting, she had no idea. I dont really understand what she is trying to have me figure out on my own. On one hand its like she wants me to agree to D and to justify and absolve her of all her guilt in deciding to give up on our R and family. I dont know, but does this make any sense to anyone out there?
I felt I needed to make it clear to her (I think I said it at least 3 times) that I am and always will be commited to her, our kids and our family, however if she decided that she wants to leave there is nothing I can or will do to stop her, but she will have to explain to all (kids and family) that it was her decision to leave, not mine.
Is this too strong? I think for my own peace of mind I needed to make it clear to her that I am continuing to work on things as best I can with or without her.
I hate this silly little game she is playing, I almost wish I could ask her to grow up and face the commitments and responsibilities that are on both of our plates.
Sorry to vent here, seems like the more things go the worse things get. All I can do it seems is to continue to be calm and confident, loving as best I can to the kids and W and pray for things to get better.
I don't think your statement was too strong, in fact, depending on your intentions, it could be a lot stronger in word and action.
If you don't intend to divorce, then stop facilitating her.
"Wife, I have no intention of divorcing you. I am already fighting for our marriage. I would hope that you are willing to do the same."
Wife says: "No, I want a divorce, now."
You reply: "Wife, I have no intention of divorcing you. I am already fighting for our marriage. I realize that I have contributed to the current state of our marriage, as have you. I am willing to do whatever it takes to repair our marriage."
Wife says: "We need to prepare the children for our separation."
You reply: "Wife, I have no intention of divorcing you. I am fighting for our marriage."
You did good telling your wife that she is responsible to the children for her own actions. You make sure that you don't lie to them when they ask you honest questions. You can reply to them in an age appropriate manner, but they deserve the truth.
As for the relationship talks, unless the two of you are planning how to best repair your marriage, then stop with the relationship talk. Planning a divorce is not a relationship talk, that is contract talk and best handled by mediators or lawyers.
One other minor point, don't tell her she can leave anytime she wants. She already knows that, and the fact is, that would be difficult with children. She likely wants you to leave. Don't do it. Don't get loud with her or threaten her in any way. Don't abandon your kids, even with her insisting. Your children deserve a father and a mother.
Keep working on you. Don't play 'contest' with the kids, but make sure you spend time with them. Make sure they know in their own limited way, that Daddy's attention is genuine.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Thanks that was what I needed. A little support that let me know that I am doing the right thing.
From reading Love Must be Tough, is where I got the statment. It seems to make alot of sense. The idea was to let W know that she is not trapped here, but the bottom line is that if she wants to leave it is HER decision not MINE and I will NEVER buy into it. I told her that if she decides to leave then I will respect HER decision but, as you said, she will have to face up to the fact that it is HER decision not mine. As I told her I shall always remain commited to her, my kids and our family reguardless of what she does.
So direct answers to your questions. First NO I do not plan to D. I think I figured that talking about it may calm her down and let her know that I am willing to listen, probably not the best idea, it seemed the thing to do at the time.
I think she is trying to get me to buy into her "plan" even though I have told her flat out that I will not agree to a divorce. I think I almost need to tell her to GROW UP and realize there are responsibilities and commitments that are worth putting every possible human effort into, namely our kids.
I think I need to let her process what was said and I think as you suggested (I had that stance before as well) refuse to talk about "What it would be like" after a D. As I have said to her, for me talking about it seems to point to the direction that it is becomming a plan, one I will not agree to. I hope she begins to see the light and grows up, but if not I will never agin be a doormat. Loving caring and strong.
Thanks again for the words of encouragement. It helps me to face the next day
I agree with NOP - stop talking about D. When she brings it up, do as NOP says: tell her you have no intention of divorcing her and that you'll do everything in your power to save the M. Leave it at that. She already knows that she can leave any time she wants to.
Thanks for the input. I guess I was just concerned that I was being inflexable not willing to talk about D. It does give me some confidence knowing that I am taking the right path in not talking about D. It might have been a little too heavy handed letting W know that I will expect her to explain to our kids that it was her decision to leave M but I think that she needs to face up to her resposibilities.
Thanks again for the input it helps to know that decisions that you make are what others would do in your situation.
