Quote: I don't know why exactly but reading this thread is actually making me less hopeful about my sich. I think this is because the experiences of KEBall and Mr.Fixit make me think that there is nothing I can do to improve the situation besides threaten to leave-again. I've already done the other things they've suggested. I've performed every fantasy my H has shared (except the 2 girls one ) and I've communicated the seriousness of the situation in every way possible short of having "F*ck your wife instead." tatooed on my H's right hand. We were "separated" over this issue for 4 hours last summer and at that time my H vowed to do everything he could if we gave it another chance but as soon as the going got tough this fall when we had some financial problems, my sexual needs dropped right back down to the bottom of the priority list. So now he is getting his second (and last) chance at gaining my trust by showing up twice a week as he agreed. Somedays I think the only reason I keep trying is I don't have quite enough money to leave him until I get my business inventory up a bit more.
Continue to try TALKING with your husband. My wife spent the time building up the arsenal to prepare to leave...but she did it alone or with the advice of people who don't understand both sides. It made her cold and resentful. She claims she did try to talk...and to her credit, she did the best she could. WE did the best we could...but we didn't have the tools...the ability to truly communicate because we never learned.
Don't leave your husband because he can't communicate with you...or understand completely what you're saying to him. You are a GOOD wife. From all your posts here, it's obvious that you are really trying. Don't give up!!
I wish I had more concretes about what you could do. I just read where you wouldn't want him to read your posts on here. But, in some ways it would be SO enlightening. However, I totally agree with you...I wouldn't want my wife to read what I've said.
I implore you again...please don't give up. If you are contemplating leaving. Try to be open and honest with him about it. Us guys are thick-headed, we may be getting clues and signals out the wahzoo but we don't hear them or interpret them correctly. Be gentle and understanding. If your H has a problem with MB, he may actually have an addiction...it's VERY possible. Figure out a way to help him see it...don't be harsh or judgemental (that is hard--I know!!). Read about S addiction (saa.org--i think or you can google it).
All this advice that FixIt and I give is relative. We've seen the light but at least in my case, I don't have all the answers as to why I am the way I am. Through counseling, I am learning some things and coming to terms with things (dark things from my past) that have deeply affected my psyche...and may have completely affected the person I am and the way I've been with my W. We've only touched the tip o' the iceberg.
So, again, I ask you not to give up. Humans are complex...we ALL know that. What makes each of us tick is a math equation of probabilities so numerous that it can never be solved.
Okay...standing down. Sorry for the philosophical assault at this time of day! It's just been an emotional couple of days for me...and I was hoping my progress in C would help slow things with my W. Unfortunately, it hasn't...so, to see someone like you, JJ, who is so capable of success in this area, talking about giving up...it troubles me.
Have you tried maybe making a date with your wife. This may soften her up a little. Maybe make all the arrangements and arrange a baby-sitter and a place to go that she likes. Tell her there is no expectations of her. That you thought she might like a night out. Kind of make a date of it. women love this kind of stuff. If anything it will be a relaxing evening for both of you.
I agree with you on this, this is a great idea in my mind. Make sure there are no expectations...just let her know you want to get out and relax and have some fun with her.
Hey Cally and GEL-- We've talked about going on a date. I've mentioned it...and it didn't get shot down. (WARNING: Excuse central ahead!) We've just been very busy with kid activities and the possibility of moving. But, it seems the tornado that picked us up six weeks ago has finally set us down somewhere. So, I'm going to really focus DBing again and in building her confidence in me.
Guys, I'll admit it. I'm scared. I'm scared that I've totally blown it to smithereens without a hope of recovery. I'm afraid that anything and everything I do is SO wrong. I'm frustrated b/c I see where I'm beginning to make progress on me but she is completely unmoved by it. I don't want a D--because I know THIS is the woman God sent me as my wife. I don't want my children to endure a life of separate parents and families. I'm afraid of being alone because I know that I will never be able to love/trust anyone again. Who will care for me when I'm sick? My children--that's not fair. Who will throw my 40th birthday party?
I'm sorry...like I said earlier, I'm emotional today. D@mn I'm SUCH a girl!!! It's just that I'm disappointed in myself, my W and our R. It doesn't have to be like this.
Have a good day and a GREAT weekend. I'm hoping for some sun here in Texas! K
KEB, I understand that you are frustrated and upset with your situation..I'd be devastated myself.
I want to remind you to be aggressive and assertive when dealing with this situation. She needs to see your strength. I know that you are venting here but perhaps you can get psyched up before seeing her tonight. You want your attitude to be one of strength and self assuredness, not fear. She will smell it a mile away and it will turn her off even further!
I know that my husband wants and needs my "permission" to do everything. I don't really like this dynamic..I really wish that he'd be aggressive now and then. It makes me feel like a woman. For that short time in which he is taking charge, we fit into our gender stereotypes and it's a nice and novel feeling!
I know you are afraid of being shot down but you've got a lot of making up to do before you reach her level of shot-down-edness from the last 13 years.
Show her what you're made of. Tell her she looks hot tonight. No expectations, just your true feelings. Pick a date for a date night and arrange everything and JUST DO IT.
If you want her to believe how desperately you want her back, your actions will have to back up your words.
Believe me, I know how hard it is. I have goals that I have set for myself and they are hard for me to meet. I too have lots of excuses why I sometimes don't accomplish them. But, in the final analysis, it will be only me and my conscience. It will be me looking back at my life and wondering, What should I have done differently? The specific excuse I used will be but a distant memory.
Keep up your PMA and work on developing some new habits this weekend. So will I.
Hey...you have lots of excuses the rest of us have as well...let's face it. Sometimes life just gets in the way of things, that's when you have to work that much harder to make sure your priorities stay your priorities
I understand that you are afraid you may lose her, that's a completely viable fear. But you know what? She's still there. I really believe if she really wanted to leave...she would have already done so. So you still have a chance to win her back.
I would try to make it a priority however to do a "date night" once a week. Just the two of you getting away together...even if it's just to go have dinner. And as Honepot said...take charge of the date nights, set them up...don't make her do it. Let your actions back up your words!!!
My H and I have a 19mo old son at home and we live way out in the country. I know how difficult it can be to get away...believe me! So, I think one of the things my H and I may start doing is simply going for walks. Our new C has asked us to take a minimum of 90 minutes (all at once) once a week to do something together (that doesn't mean watching tv), something that causes US to interact and talk.
I find with my H he tends to be more open to conversations about us when we take walks on our property. I discovered this in my last session w/our C. I realized the majority of the time that he has opened up to me we've been walking our property....I think the connection there for him is that this is "OUR" property, it makes him think of US as a couple.
Anyway...chin up! I know you're scared, but guess what? You still have the woman you love living in your home and sleeping in your bed, you still stand a very good chance of recovery
What about small things in your home, after the kids are in bed, to start off with?
Make her a cocktail and bring it to her. Or cookies and milk. Heat up some massage oil and tell her to strip. Make a fire just for the two of you. Light candles and turn out the lights and snuggle. Play "your song".
Heck I don't know. Think of short and sweet gestures you can make to her that have a ring of romance to them. How did you win her in the first place? Do those things again.
You will have to be the one to take charge. She will never, ever revert back to the system you had going on before, I can tell you that. You don't have to have the Don Juan thing going on all the time, but you will have to develop the ability to tell her that you want her and not wait for her to come to you. That, really, is the bottom line.
All these little gestures could help you work up to that point, without dying of anxiety and fear the whole time.
That's what would work for me, anyway! There was a time in my M in which I really detested my H and every gesture he made was met with derision and sneers. So you are not unique in that regard. He wore me down though and was TIRELESS with trying to win my heart back. And he did. I will tell you a little secret, though: He could have accomplished it a lot sooner by being sexually assertive with me. He was nice and romantic but shy in the sex dept. He could have sped up the process (by YEARS) if he had been able to tap into his inner sex beast. LOL
KEB, please don't say this anymore-- on this board or anywhere in your life: " D@mn I'm SUCH a girl!!!" It has always bugged me that the most insulting thing males can think of to say about themselves is to call themselves or each other female. The women on this board have taken you in, so please don't insult us.
When I've said to my bf that I will not stay in a R like this forever, he says, "Fine. Go. Go now. I don't need you." It doesn't make him receptive to working on things. It just makes him mad. I don't use this as a threat. I've only said it in the counselor's office, in front of her. In fact, she has said to him, "You're so convinced Lil is going to leave you, that you're driving her away." He still doesn't get it. I'm trying to make him see that I'm running out of rope. Can you advise? Thanks.
I swore I wasn't coming back to the BB today! But, I must have picked up your vibes.
Thanks for the advice and pick-me-ups. I've been doing SO great lately in focusing on me and my goals...I am surprised at the level of my sadness today. Honey, I realized when you said "she can smell it a mile away," that you're right. I think I'm doing good in the GAL dept. and acting "as if" (man, this group speak thing is SCARY)...then, she drops little grenades like last night:
W: "I hope you didn't get me tickets to the kids' performance on Saturday." K: "Actually, I did because you said last week you wanted one." W: "Well, I'm not going. I've got something else that night." K: "What?" W (annoyed): "I'm going out with a GROUP." K: "Ummm...okay. Last week, you said you wanted tickets." W: "I don't remember that." K: "No problem. We'll see if some else wants it."
What I'm actually thinking is: "THIS IS THE LAST PERFORMANCE OF THIS PRODUCTION. YOUR KIDS ARE IN IT!! I'VE BEEN AT EVERY PERFORMANCE AND REHEARSAL. THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS SHOW UP TO WATCH AND MAKE THEM FEEL SPECIAL!!!"
I just went to bed (I have a lot of reading to do). Used to, I would have probably complained about her not going. But, then, used to, she WOULD have wanted to go. These days, when I feel like a R minefield discussion is coming, I go to bed. Then, I let her come to me if she wants to talk. It's a very hard row to hoe because this really fits with our old patterns (passive-aggressive) of avoidance. But, the bottom line is, she probably feels that I'm wounded eventhough I don't THINK I'm showing it.
Funny thing is, I think that she wants to go out is a GOOD thing. Before all of this, I used to encourage her to go do things with friends and develop close GFs. She never really was good at that. I just wish she would use better judgement when it comes to things relating to our kids!!
Really, both of us could use more ME time...and US time without our kids. However, we have the kids, they are in our lives and like it our not, we have a responsibility to them. Right now, (WHACK ME IF I'M OFF BASE) I feel like I am the only who is focusing on them in all of this. Of course, that could be because I'm with them every single morning, evening and weekend. Sometimes she's there...many times, she's not! I feel a little taken advantage of! (Okay pity party over--WHACK away!!)
Sorry for all this. Just venting I guess. You guys are the GREATEST!! I'm so lucky to have found this BB. K
So, I think one of the things my H and I may start doing is simply going for walks. Our new C has asked us to take a minimum of 90 minutes (all at once) once a week to do something together (that doesn't mean watching tv), something that causes US to interact and talk.
