Hmmmm, this is a bit beyond what I understood DBing to encompass. I am thinking about it...would it be too chicken to test the water with an email. I just got one of those chain emails about "good thoughts and you have a friend" very much like the ones we used to send to each other. As for dancing at the wedding...I would just put that in the entertainment category...and that is not at threat!
Back to the issue at hand...I know I can't move on because I still love her too much to give my heart to anyone else. On top of that, there is the gigantic fear of being hurt like this again. Martha, I appreciate your insight, but I really am not angry with her. I am truly disappointed. From my perspective, she is handling this all like a very immature 12-13 year old and our C agrees. So how do you appeal to a spoiled immature person who has left because they didn't get their way? I know, be a friend...
You know that I'm just going to keep bugging you and arguing the opposite point don't you? In response to this:
Quote: Hmmmm, this is a bit beyond what I understood DBing to encompass. I am thinking about it...would it be too chicken to test the water with an email.
That's the question isn't it? What does DBing encompass. In our situations as already divorced or when we are separated we usually think about it as LRT or going dark. That was only one possible way to DB. It was a suggestion, especially when they have moved out. BUT (note the big BUT here) I think the most important premise of the book is that you DO WHAT WORKS . Can you really tell me that going dark is working? Experiment and monitor results. If negative...don't do again.
I can tell you are nervous about getting shot down. I'm not sure that there is anything more impersonal than forwarding one of those chain e-mails. And if it is one of those ones where it says "forward to someone who is a friend or someone you care for" it will be major pursuit. As to an e-mail that says "Hi, how are you doing?"...I don't know. I might be biased, but I'm not that fond of that medium for this. The written word is too easy to misinterpret based on your expectations. I think you'd get a better feel from hearing her voice. Up to you of course.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Did you pursue like I suggested? I bet you did and you aren't writing because you are incredibly happy after wooing your ex-W back to you. Is that right? The call just opened a whole flood gate of positive interactions with your ex and you haven't had time to post? I guess one can dream.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Nope, I didn't call her. The ball is definitely in her court and she knows it. On Father's Day in church, our pastor asked all the father's to stand and honored us. The rest of the congregation rose and applauded. My XW purposefully turned with a smile and made eye contact with me...I know it purposeful because I was about 15 pews back and to her left. I don't think I want her back any more. She has gone out of her way to rude to my 13 year old at church since I wrote her the letter in early May...she did this in front of another adult and did it in response to him walking up and giving her a hug. She is either extremely wacked out, immature, or has become so entrenched in her denial and wish to put our 5 1/2 R behind her that she would be mean to someone who is being kind to her...not anyone I want much to do with any more. She definitely needs help, but refuses to do anything about it. Thus, I am left with nothing. If God wants us together again, He will let me know and she will make some effort.
I appreciate your prodding, but as I recount our difficulties, they are immense. She recognized a lot of them after she left, said all but one were fixable (just how if she would not cooperate in the first place I don't know) except her issue with her adamant stance of being the only one who had anything to say about her children and she was not going to even do anything about that. It is over...I give up. I have to totally detach and emotionally let go of her...maybe she will come back, but I don't see a single sign of that ever happening. For one thing, she needs a long time to mature. I am not going to string myself along while she does that, IF she even tries to.
Good for you. The stepkids issue has got to be one of the toughest situations that can face a marriage. Wham, instant family.
If you really don't want her back and I suspect you really don't then it is right not to contact her. There will come a time where quite a few of us will have to recognize the harsh reality of divorce. I don't blame you for not wanting her back. She hasn't given you any reason to want her.
Taking a stand one way or the other is really all we can do. Either decide we are in or out.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I agree with you Wes...I was the only one "in" in my sitch. Some of you others have bits and pieces and glimmers of hope reinforced by ACTIONS that are POSITIVE! I had nothing in that vein...nothing at all. In fact, I had some negatives and a lot of signs of someone who was dealing with things at the level of a junior high. I can't make her do anything. My main regret is that I was not able to really spot this during the 2 1/2 years we dated prior to marriage. It really didn't come out until after we married. Actually, my main regret is the pain, suffering, and sorrow this has had on my younger sons. Even my oldest son (nearly 23 years old) recently expressed how sorry he was that this happened right after he and his wife moved away from us. This has had repercussions for a lot more than just her and me. I can't help but wonder how this has and will effect her kids...they won't do counseling...refuse to really talk. So very sad...
Thank you for your support and encouragement. The last letter was done in a "I have nothing to lose" situation and there just was no response whatsoever. I don't have to have the door slammed on my nose and fingers.
That sounds a lot like what my pastor said when I talked to him before filing. He told me that my filing would not be my ending the marriage because "you're (K) not in a marriage right now." It's true. I wasn't and I'm not in a marriage.
Quote: My main regret is that I was not able to really spot this
Dump the regrets. They won't help you get her back, or help your kids, or help you get a good night's sleep, or help prepare you for a loving R with someone else.
You did everything you could to save your marriage. At that time it could not be saved. If at some future point XW is ready to be in a marriage and if you are still available and willing, maybe it can be restored. But just take care of yourself and your sons for now. Anything/anyone else is not your stuff anyway.
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Quote: My XW purposefully turned with a smile and made eye contact with me.
How is this a negative? Is it possible that you misread a limited reaching out by her to acknowledge you in a public place? What if you had smiled back in a relaxed manner and nodded your head or briefly waved?
Also, when was your letter to her? Are you referring to the 1 letter you wrote near the Christmas holiday season? Lots of time has past, and so she may have changed somewhat in attitude. I'm worried that your distant interpretations may be of your own creation rather than from her and your R reality.
When was the last time you've dipped your toe into the water, so to speak?
Forgive me if I am wrong, but I read a lot of resentment and judgment in your posts regarding your XW. What would it hurt to let that go and try once without that present to trip you up?
