STILL morphing 4

[41dk]

Hey Deb-

I was thinking about h's comment about the "sexy" jeans. I do not know your size or shape but try buying jeans that are flared at the leg...not a straight leg. (Or God forbid, that peg-leg look!) The flare creates a longer leg and leaner look. ( And make sure that they are LONG enough. Nothing worse than jeans that are too short!) Also don't hestiate to try on the lower cut jeans, you might be surprised how comfortable they can be. I know that some stores (like Old Navy) carry a mid-rise cut too, so it's not so low down.

Why wait for the few more inches???? Start now!

I hesitate to say this but I was thinking about why you didn't compliment H on his appearance before the bomb. Could it be that you didn't compliment HIM because you didn't feel quite so good about yourself? Just wondering.


Had to laugh about MIL's advice to you! It reminded me of my MIL's advice to my H... She told him that oral sex would drive him insane! LOL Hmmmmm, maybe THAT is what has happened to him!

Dawn

[debcb]

Thanks for the tip Dawn, I have to say I'm still pretty chubby all over, but the rear end has quite a ways to go before it is, shall we say, hmmmm, "cute"? Lets put it this way, my skinny D commented not to long ago that she guess she got her big rear end and thighs from me...I think the poor kid is right.

I'm not going to wait for the inches, I'm working on it now, LOL. I do have a pair of Liz Claiborne lower waist jeans that I really like because they are surprisingly comfy. They are not as long as I'd like though...I know, I HATE "high waters"!

Don't know why I didnt compliment H, I did think it, obviously it was a huge mistake. I think you're probably right I was really down on myself and actually probably resented him, he does have a bod to die for. and I've always enjoyed looking at it. BIG BIG mistake not to let him know.

I guess probably a lot of it does come from the messages I got from my parents growing up, and certainly MIL steered me differently. H was actually getting kind of riled up this am, saying "she's never been right about anything yet, and you know that, so I'll never know why that's the advice you picked to listen to"

anyway, what a gift it might have been if anybody had ever said "put on some naughty undies and go after him and have fun doing it!" and "do it until he yells stop"...sure would have made life a lot more fun, and saved a lot of pain...not to mention time, lordy it's taken me 25 years to figure it out on my own.

Maybe I gave D a different message though, I actually gave her a couple of sexy nighties for her wedding shower....MIL was there, you should have heard her choke! ah, well

[kml]

Mervyn's has some Gloria Vanderbilt boot-cut jeans that come in lengths (I'm 5'6" and the medium length is nice and long on me - looks good with high-heeled boots).(Don't buy the "Amanda" jean - that has peg legs. I forget what the boot cut is called). Also comes in black, which is very slimming. Wish I'd known 30 years ago how to buy jeans that camouflage my "wide bottom".

Ellie

[debcb]

Hi Dawn and Ellie! thanks for the recommendations for jeans....certainly no "peg legs" for me! especially right now, I'm afraid I have a confession, I went out and ate a bunch of chocolate for lunch. I don't do that so often now, but when I do a chocolate binge, I'm afraid it is a chocolate binge! I gotta lick that (yew, bad pun)

[debcb]

Guess I'll update, I havent posted since the end of last week and i was back to page 2 or 3. As always, I'm whistling in the dark, but maybe not feeling the need to post constantly is a good thing. I can sure use input though, as always.

so, lets see....Last Friday I was off work, took the day off at the last minute to see D and SIL...It was a good day and a bad day. I still have moments of frantic anxiety set off by little things H does that quite likely have nothing to do w/ow.

I had been scheduled to be out of town for a meeting all day on Friday. Thursday night, H asked me what "all the work the you have to do tomorrow" and seemed surprised when I told him I'd taken the day off...ow alert, of course.

Friday am we ml at H's initiation when we woke up... around lunch, D and SIL went to visit S at his school, I was planning to run errands a little later. H said he was "going to get gas" and would be back "in a few minutes", that he didnt want any lunch then....another ow alert....I can only hope they are unfounded, I am still committed to not saying a word about any of it until at least June, and SO FAR I've managed not to since the end of January. an hour later, H wasnt home, and I was getting so increasingly anxious I decided to just....leave and go shopping. So I did. I went and got my hair cut and some waxing done, then I went and bought 2 dresses, 3 shirts and 2 pairs of shoes and a pair of pants. Nothing like a little retail therapy, although spending the $ wasnt the best thing to do. However, I needed some spring stuff, and it did help ease my anxiety. D and SIL were home and made a cheese cake long before I got home...don't know what time every one got back, but H had been home as he found some of the supplies for them. H was kind of upset that I was gone so long (of course he was starved, he has never been able to feed himself it seems, and complaining that he'd only eaten a peanut butter sandwich)...said he didnt dream I'd be gone so long....don't know if it's good or bad, I don't want to get back into what he interpreted as my "not giving a damn" behaviors, but I must find a way to deal w/my anxiety if I'm going to be successful in keeping my hands off the rope. Plus...it's more of a step in the GAL goal.

to his credit, it does take at least 1/2 hour to get gas, and he talked about having to wait forever due to the crowd (town was busy, I know) and that he helped an old couple who couldn't figure out how to work the gas pumps and then he stopped at a store to check out what new dvd's might be out. He offered this explanation with out being asked, although I had commented that I'd been sorry not to get to tell him good bye before I left. I remember when he used to disapear, he never really had any explanation, and would get quite angry. Of course other times, he's had them all thought out in great detail, this one seemed more "natural" in the way he said it, if that makes sense. So, I hope he's being truthful.

Saturday am, H came back to bed and initiated ml again. Also on Saturday, we had 15 family members in for lunch to celebrate H's B-day and to visit w/D and SIL. it was pleasant and H seemed to enjoy it. In fact he thanked me later that evening for the nice lunch and the party. We went to a later church service, so I didnt have to see ow, although that wasnt the reason we went.

S, D and SIL are gone, S went home w/D & her H....so we are on our own this week. Which would be great, except of course it never fails, my period had to start....I swear the devil likes to throw all kinds of obstacles in my path.

Sunday morning, H said he had to go to work, since he didnt on Saturday. he left about his usual time...I was sort of disappointed that he went....trying to keep the ow sirens off....but I was really tired and just slept about 2 of the 4 hours he was gone. Before he left, he crawled on his knees again across to my side of the bed, kissed me good bye and said again "thanks for the party, it was great".

Sunday afternoon, I wound up going shopping again, trying to find a place to get some shoes dyed to match a dress I bought...no luck...but H was kind of unhappy I was gone so long....commented "I couldnt figure out what was taking you so long"....
I don't know if it's good or bad that he comments about this.

I decided to try highlighting my own hair (fair results) on Sunday evening. I couldnt do the back and asked H if he would help. I asked ahead of time and then dropped the subject, didnt know how he'd respond. At one time he'd have pitched a fit if I asked him to do such a thing. a couple of hours later he said "I'll help you with your hair if you want me to"...so later that evening, there we were with H wearing rubber gloves and putting highlight mixture in the back of my hair. Actually the part he did turned out better than the part I did.

At one point that evening I was kinda anxious, not sure why, except I think my anxiety level goes up about 10X during my period. I was thinking about all the hard stuff, the betrayals, etc., and in the midst of a hug, I slipped up and asked if he thought we were doing ok...he replied, and I believe he was sincere, that "yes, we're doing ok"...I told him I thought we'd been doing really well before we both got sick a month ago, and he agreed. Baby steps????

I asked him to go with me to pick up S this Friday, told him I had committed to doing it and would like him to go, but if he chose not to, I could deal with it. He replied "let's see what I have going" I wasnt sure how to take that, and had to quiet the ow alert again. i told him yesterday that I would like for him to go with me...he replied "i'll have to see how I feel"...his antibiotics are finished and he says he feels like his sinus infection is coming back. of course, ow alert started to beep, but I'm not going to bring it up again. He knows how I feel, so I'll see what happens

Last night I had a really hard time for a while...He was down stairs working out, I was hemming a pair of pants for him. I went downstairs to ask him if he wanted cuffs in them, and darned if he wasnt on the computer....ow alert was screaming then....however, he was just sitting there in the chair at the computer with the door open, It occured to me that he would have most likely closed the door if he was on with her, (I would think?) and perhaps he was trying to reassure me by leaving it open. He did get up and come over and hug and kiss me...I can't help but wonder if that was just to distract me. BUT it seemed "different" than times he has been w/ow....It's hard to describe, but there is something "uptight" about him at those times. He seemed "natural" this time. I came SO close to asking him about it but STILL MANAGED to NOT SAY ONE WORD. Later I was really glad I managed not to, it occurred to me how frustrating it would have to be to get the "third degree" all the time. And of course it would remind him of her every time.

After the last workshop he was at a couple of weeks ago, he left his certificate laying on the table for a while. I wondered if this was also a way of providing reassurance. I don't know, can only hope, but it seemed to be "purposeful"...

last night I gave him a hug and told him ILY...he commented that it was only the 3rd time I'd told him that...I laughed and asked if he acutally counts...he said yes, he does, and I think he was serious. I asked if he counts to see if I say it so much I'm obnoxious or if I don't say it enough, and he said "neither, I'm just a trained observer collecting data" I asked what good data was if you werent going to draw any conclusions from it, and he didn't reply. But he actually counts how many times I say ILY...weird, WHY would he do that????

I noticed however, that yesterday morning and this morning, he said ILY before I did. That always makes me happy.

Last night he initiated ml again, I guess that's good....I believe that's 3x in 5 days, so there has to be something there, I'd think. I hope.

I had an email from him at work today that he hates being here on Tuesdays because he doesnt really have an office, just has to find an "open" one to work in. he said how unwanted here that makes him feel. That was kind of touching. I tried to just validate how frustrated he must feel.

I made him some cookies from scratch Sunday. First time in years I've done that....I think I'm going to try to start doing that again. Since ow doesnt cook AT ALL, and H loves to eat, it cant' hurt. i think I may start sewing again. I used to do that a lot, and that is something else I havent done for years. I certainly have enough to do to get several lives, obviously. ....

So, I don't know, I think things are progressing inspite of possible continued contact w/ow...I honestly don't know what's going on there because I've been working SO HARD to focus on other "stuff"....I can only hope.

I keep remembering the comments in the Conway MLC book about how badly guys in mlc need/are looking for a gf, so I'm seriously considering doing something outrageous while S is gone. I may have on a see-through top when he comes home tomorrow, but act "as if" it is a regular shirt, and string a trail of candy kisses on the floor leading to a card that says "I kiss the ground you walk on".... I know it sounds really corny, but I just get the impression that he so much craves feeling important and special right now, that maybe it wouldnt be a totally stupid thing to do. An experiment, I guess. I'm kind of curious to see how he'll react.

I have a feeling ow will be here at this job forever. I was in an administrative meeting today and they were talking about how new computer software has greatly improved the med-staff efficiency, which was what she was in hot water over. darn it.

hmmmmmm, any bets on how H will respond if I have on a see through shirt with a pair of regular jeans when he comes home tomorrow?????? This is going to take some nerve for me to try....I did have a store order me a self-adhesive bra this weekend though, gotta flaunt what I can!

[debcb]

oh, ouch! all of a sudden I am panicky and afraid again. I had mentioned in an email that I have a head ache, and got this email from H:

Sorry to hear you aren't feeling well. Well, you can go home and nap for a while. I think I'll take a walk then we can watch some TV tonight, or who knows what?? Well, next case conference is up so got to go. Later

I don't know what to think. My fear and panic comes from the fact that this is Wednesday, the day I always to S to religious ed class, which ow's D is also in. I am always 1/2 fearful that they sneak off and get together while class is going on. I KNOW they used to meet in the parkin lot at church (I've seen emails) during the class back when H took S to class. Kids are on spring break, so there's no class. it seems weird that H would walk tonight, it's been raining and cold and damp here. However, his tread mill has been acting up.

HELP!!!!!!!!! anybody got any wise or semi-wise words or thoughts here?

Any thoughts about my idea for the chocolate kisses and see-thru shirt for this evening? too much? or give it a try and see what happens?????? I read a post, I think from chocolateyes, in the ssm forum, that some guys who are sensitive need to be pursued and to feel wanted.....

I've gotta get a grip. I'm afraid I may say or ask something about ow if I stay in this frame of mind. I've had lots of fearful feelings lately. It's pretty ugly to feel this way after having been more comfortable for a while.

I want to live with joy and peace and love, not in this state of anxious fear.

[debcb]

suddenly I feel like I'm not able to look at our sitch very objectively. I had felt for a while like we were doing pretty well, makeing a lot of progress even. now I'm not so sure, and i'm not sure why I'm not so sure. nothing has really happened at all....in fact it seems like most the of "tangible" evidence is very good.

There are teeny tiny little "things" that pre-bomb I would have never even noticed, like him being on the computer, suggesting I could take a nap this evening, saying he was going to take a walk.

I've been asking myself why those little things get me so stirred up now, and I guess I'm still really gun-shy. When the A was really HOT the summer of 03 ( I can't believe it's been that long) H would mention I should just "rest", or "take a nap" when he was sneaking off to see ow. I realized that a year ago last Wednesday was when he asked me to take S to religious ed classes instead of him doing it, and then a year ago today he volunteered again to do it himself...I told him then I had it covered and have continued to do it, but then and still now in the back of my mind is the niggling worry that they are still meeting up on Wednesday nights. A year ago tomorrow will be the day (another one) I discovered he'd been gone from work all afternoon, and suspected (still believe) he was doing something w/ow. he told me at the time he'd gone home sick, and that he wasnt seeing her, but I never believed any of it, and it turned out that he was still seeing her.

I am shocked at how much I still struggle with this.

Would you think if he'd been on email with her monday night he'd have had the door closed to the computer room?

Do you think his leaving workshop certificates laying around, etc., is an effort to reassure me????

I can understand from his point of view though how controlling and intrusive it would seem if I ASK him about going for a walk or to see ow....so I'm really between a rock and a hard place.

he has seemed happier and more at peace lately, it's hard to put a finger on it, but that is just my impression. my "gut instinct" I guess. They are seldom wrong when they are negative, why do I have such a hard time believing them when they are more positive??????

[sage]

There are teeny tiny little "things" that pre-bomb I would have never even noticed, like him being on the computer, suggesting I could take a nap this evening, saying he was going to take a walk.

Ah, Deb, the crazy maker is coming out! Honestly, when I read h's email to you I saw these things:

1. he's concerned about how she's feeling so he mentions that she "could" take a nap (he didn't really suggest it!)

2. he tells her what he's going to do (walk)

3. he makes plans with her (movie or ???)

4. signs off but explains why

There was a time when one of my goals was "get thru the next phase of ow insecurity w/o having a meltdown with h"...I KNOW you've done a really great job of late (!!!!!) so keep it up!!!!!!!!

Sage

[Growing]

Deb,
Calm down and take a breath. Think about the pros and cons of finding out if something is going on. If you did know, could you do anything about it? Would it bring you closer together. I nothing is going on, would it bring you closer if you confronted him?

Believe me I know how hard it is to not think all those thoughts. I still wonder waht XW is doing, where she is, who she's with, does she even think of me? It hasn't helped me yet to know any of this.

Your H seems to be trying to change to make the M better. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Would your sitch be better if he left you to be with OW and wanted nothing to do with you. Absolutely no communication. Please use the communication you have and turn it into a positive.

If you find out later he is playing you, you will be better equipped to deal with it. Good luck. I will be praying for you.

[debcb]

Thanks Sage and Randy, it helps so much to get another perspective.

I'm not entirely sure why I'm sooooo off base today, other than so many "anniversaries" are around this time....little mini-bombs, I guess.
Of course, seeing ow's suv with her damn yellow teddy bear on the dash here all the time doesnt help one bit...

It helps to know what you see in his email, Sage. I know I'm overly sensitive. It's been REALLY hard to keep it shut down, but with the help of all you on the bb i've been managing. I think I may borrow your old goal. How long did it take for your bouts of ow anxiety to go away??????

Randy, thanks for reminding me of something so important, no it won't help at all if I do find anything out, and there's not a think I can do about it. It helps to know you think it looks like he's working on the M. a lot!
What forum is your thread in Randy? I never seem to find you....

Maybe I'll just put the see-thru top on for when he comes back from walking!