I have been so sick with this junk, I am hardly functioning. I finally feel a little better today, so hopefully the worm will be turning on that front.
I'm still struggling to keep my hands off the rope. It is not much easier, at all. i have mangaged to not say one single word about ow or a for 5 weeks now.
H has had this stuff, and is not 100% recovered either, although he's doing better ( S has had it also). It was really a pretty uneventful weekend in most ways. H initiated ml Thursday nite and Sunday afternoon, so I guess that's not bad. He makes references that I "should have been so interested when he was at his prime"?????what ever that means, all I can figure out is it's MLC talk, and that he still has some resentment towards me over what he sees as my lack of interest. DO THEY EVER GET OVER THIS????????? plus it's confusing because other times he complains that I pressure him too much. He was quite eager this weekend though, so it wasnt a 1-sided pressuring by me type thing. Saturday evening I was working in the kitchen and H had the TV going. H came in and said "when you pull those out I'd take a sandwich made from them" (referring to some ribs I had in the oven)....I said "well, you...." in a tone of voice that I thought was jokingly implying he was expecting a lot. H didnt take it as joking...he got "snippy" and offended and said "well if it's too much trouble just don't bother"...I went to him, didnt apologize or anything, but took his hands in mine, and said "it's not too much trouble, but it will cost you a smooch, and I gotta take advantage of any opportunity I get to collect them". I smooched him, he looked confused and said "oh, ok" and smooched back. Sheesh, he's sensitive these days. I wondered if it has to do with him "giving her up" and being afraid I'll "go back"? that's all I can figure out.
Later that evening, he said "are you going to join us" meaning by the fire place where he and S were watching tv. so I did, and made sure to comment on what a nice fire it was and how much I appreciated him making it.
H did his ususual "going to work" on Saturday morning, and was home when S and I got there. seemed a little irritated that we hadnt been home when he got there.
Today, b---h ow is parked in the same lot as h and I, she is on the same side of the aisle as he is, one car between, and I'm on the other side directly behind her. this has to be a Mind Game type of thing, as there were scads of parking places in the lot where she ususally parks. I gotta get up my nerve and figure out some mind games to launch on her. maybe just not throwing H out is enough of one.
I get discouraged, I want that woman GONE, GONE GONE. I dont' want him calling her (I'm sure he still does) or seeing her or thinking about her. For God's Sake I want her to quit convincing him that he needs to go do stuff for her poor helpless butt.
Oh, I saw her getting out of her vehicle this morning, excellent timing, she pulled in just behind me, and she has dyed her hair progressively darker...it's almost as dark as mine now. I wonder what gives?????? Trying to impress H since he's said he thinks it looks weird if you have naturally dark hair and dye it light?
I don't know, anybody have any observations to share here? I'm just trying to keep on with GAL, have been so sick I havent worked out in 2 weeks, so gotta get back with that big time, gonna follow the diet plan more closely, redoing our Bedroom (paint, curtains, furniture rearranging, decluttering, making it more "romantic", kind of a "grown-up getaway) starting to see some results there, and redoing the basement. Everything seems to take for ever, but these are big projects, and of course H doesnt lift a finger with them for the most part, other than taking out trash, etc, IF I ask him to. ..........
ohhhhhhhh GRRRRRRRR.....I just had to go out to my vehicle to get some stuff, and of course ow is still parked just behind. I see she has this o so cute little teddy bear on her dash board, with her razor back beany baby pushed beside it. I noticed she had something there right after valentines day. I bet H gave her the teddy bear, and she's parked here to make sure I see it. and his vehicle is still 2 cars down from hers, evidently he rode with the co-worker today. I havent heard from him by email this morning either. So much for keeping my hands off the rope. I guess I'm slipping pretty miserably here today, but damn it!!!! will this ever end?????? Is there anything I can do to push it to end faster (in my favor, of course). It is making me nuts.
Will H ever be able to forgive me for what he perceives as my letting him down and shutting him out?????? I've been thinking this weekend that is a big part of why this keeps going on. and on and on and on.
Back yourself out of the cheeseless tunnel, ok? You have been doing GREAT focusing your energies on things you can control...STOP wandering around parking lots looking at Beanie babies and the like. I know, I know, easier said than done to keep yourself out of a rut but you HAVE been doing it and you ARE doing great.
So, h is feeling a little prickly right now...ok, work with it...up the love languages work you are doing...be even more open, loving, gracious, warm...do more for him! Sounds like he's not reacting well to the comments about him wanting too much (the sandwich) so stop making them, right???
As for whether or not he'll forgive you...well, sure, I'd bet. Do you think he feels forgiven for his foibles? Sometimes people withhold forgiveness if they themselves don't feel forgiven. Another thing...do you think he feels as though you are sorry? Can be another block, too.
Get back to what you've been doing so well, Deb...it's been paying big dividends!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hi Deb, So sorry that you've been feeling so under the weather! It sounds like maybe you are feeling the tiniest bit better today?
Quote: will this ever end?????? Is there anything I can do to push it to end faster (in my favor, of course). It is making me nuts.
I can only "tell you" from my personal experience .. and that is .. going the GAL route (big time!) and continuing to keep your lips zipped about OW AND continuing to affirm your H. This (I believe) is what "clinched" the end of OW(s) in our R. You ARE doing a good job in this area .. maybe you just need to step up your GAL program?
You have to remember that the more you focus on OW, the more you are going to "radiate" those feelings out .. whether you mean to or not. That is why it is so important to get yourself focused on GAL. (Believe me .. it works!!)
Since you have to "see" OW occasionally, I would think that she would absolutely hate it if she sees you being so happy, self-assured, etc. .. don't you? Make sure you are putting on that act constantly at work (as much as you possibly can!) After a while it won't be an "act" anymore .. it will become part of you. OW will see you (and seethe?)and also people may very well begin to say things to your H about how "great" you seem to be right now .. I know you ARE "GAL"-ing right now .. just keep pushing hard in that department. Find new things you can do .. make new friends(?) etc.
First, I think you should put an extra-large stuffed bear in your dashboard, and maybe a romantic-looking card.
And...you should focus first on yourself. At the end of all this, you don't know if you'll have your H. You do know that you'll have yourself and your son - so make sure that is your first priority. I have read that MLC's can take up to 5 years to end, and he is definitely not thinking rationally. So I'd be firm when he says something like, you weren't interested - and let him know that you were.
If it was me, I'd have kicked him out of the house by now. It'd be a risk, but the whole thing is a risk. He needs to get her out of his system, and if he was with her all the time, I think that would happen quicker. Of course, he could end up with her - but that could happen anyway, even if you hang out and let yourself be tortured over this for several years. Men often want something they can't have - and you are bending over backwards for him, and *she* may be the one he is longing for. If you kicked him out, eventually that might switch.
Quote: Will H ever be able to forgive me for what he perceives as my letting him down and shutting him out?????? I've been thinking this weekend that is a big part of why this keeps going on. and on and on and on.
Deb - there is likely nothing for him to forgive, but he doesn't realize that yet. You can't keep trying to make up for something when you weren't the one who did something wrong. He cheated, you didn't. Just remember that.
hi Sage! I gotta say one thing in my defense: I'm not wandering around the parking lot looking for beanies, ow is parked so that I cant get into my car without seeing it! LOL, I just had to mention that...how ever, I have to admit, it worked, she got me to notice!!! the thought occurs to me that if I notice that, she must REALLY notice things as well, and maybe this is her last-ditch desperate attempt to bait me into doing something stupid....i was thinking how not unlike a little kid throwing a temper tantrum it is, how it builds to a peak before it dies away. well, I'm not going to do anything rash or stupid other than sound like a raving idiot here on the bb.
On to more important topics, H really is more "snippish" these days, this weekend in particular. a few weeks ago, when I'd offer to do something for him, he'd say "I can get it/do it myself" It's a challenge to figure out what is best with him from one moment to the next.
Quote: Do you think he feels forgiven for his foibles? Sometimes people withhold forgiveness if they themselves don't feel forgiven.
This is a good/big question Sage, and the answer is I'm not completely sure. I know he blows up and says he'll have to live with "this being thrown in my face for the rest of my life" usually if I say anything about ow/A. That's another of many reasons why it's so important for me to avoid bringing it up....he sees me mentioning it as "proof" that I've not forgiven him.
Quote: Another thing...do you think he feels as though you are sorry? Can be another block, too.
I'm not sure about that one either. I have apologized many times to him verbally, and have tried to show with my actions that I am, but I don't know if he really believes it. my guess is sometimes he does and sometimes he doesnt. I don't know what else I can do other than patiently keeping on doing what I can to DEMONSTRATE that I'm sorry his needs werent met and it wont happen again. I hesitate to "talk" about it too much, for fear he'll see it as "blowing smoke"....
It just occurred to me that inspite of his grumbling about I should have been more interested in sex when he was "in his prime"....when he's up for it now, he's up for it very enthusiastically....I used to initiate, initiate, initiate, then he complained about me making him feel pressured, so I backed WAY off in that dept., and generally follow his lead. He seems HAPPY with the way things go...I don't know, maybe it's a control issue for him, somehow meets his LL need for PT, not sure, but I'm thinking that at some level he must feel that I'm sincere about wanting things to be different for us or he wouldnt be so enthusiastic. Does that make any sense?
Hi TC, it's good to hear from you. I have to say, I'm working HARD to keep my lips zipped, so far, so good, although it's tough, maybe a little easier, but tough.
I still plan to work on some of my goals for myself that I didnt get done last summer, the golf lessons, etc.. So perhaps that will add to the GAL efforts. I'm always feeling like I'm walking a thin, fine line between GAL and H feeling that I don't care about him.
He's said that he didnt feel that I cared about him in the past. I did care, always, and I was heartbroken because I felt like he was shutting me out. I made a concious decision/effort that I was going to live my life for me as best as I could if he was going to shut me out, and so I did, and I was gone a lot doing "my own thing" ...I think that reinforced his feelings that I didnt care, so it's very delicate for me.
However, it was interesting to see that he was a little "snippy" Saturday when I got home later than he did.
O, I never mentioned. On valentines day, H didnt get me flowers. I happened to seem some in the grocery store however, marked way down, so I bought them and took them home and put them in a vase. H didnt say anything for about 2 days, but then he did ask "where'd you get the flowers?" I couldnt resist, I told him "my boyfriend"...he was quiet, looked like he didnt know what to think. I did 'fess up though....being the scrupulously honest person I am
Quote: hi Sage! I gotta say one thing in my defense: I'm not wandering around the parking lot looking for beanies, ow is parked so that I cant get into my car without seeing it!
I was actually kidding, Deb but I'm glad you cleared things up!
Quote: i was thinking how not unlike a little kid throwing a temper tantrum it is, how it builds to a peak before it dies away. well, I'm not going to do anything rash or stupid other than sound like a raving idiot here on the bb.
AWESOME! I like the attitude (btw, you never sound like a raving idiot!!! )
Quote:
I don't know what else I can do other than patiently keeping on doing what I can to DEMONSTRATE that I'm sorry his needs werent met and it wont happen again. I hesitate to "talk" about it too much, for fear he'll see it as "blowing smoke"....
absolutely! actions do speak louder than words!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I know, I know, easier said than done to keep yourself out of a rut but you HAVE been doing it and you ARE doing great.
It's a challenge to figure out what is best with him from one moment to the next.
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