Overview of my sitch: Married 5 yrs, tog 6, no kids, my first M, H's second, he has 2 grown kids from first M. Discovered a. on Oct. 16/04. Completly devasted,moved out for 1mth. BTW found out because ow made it her business to be sure i knew. It is very embarrassing and horrible way i found out. Suffice to say I was sure but had no actual proof. H. denied it and still denies it to this day. I left for 1mth but kept 'visiting'. He cried and begged. I moved back in on condition that we see a C. Still doing that. It was very rocky. Every time things started to go smoothly i would remember ow and get upset and start a fight. Things were really bad with M hanging by thread. We talked about splitting up. Found DB website end of Jan. started the techniques and things drastically improved with H telling me ILY and hugging, went out for Valentine's day. He called this morning at work to check if i was okay we are more open with each other.
But i am scared. He still denies a. what if she is still in picture? Think a went on for 1 1/2yrs! Plus i am drained by the dbing and feel despondent some days. Is it all a sham? Any advice out there?
Okay posting on my own thread. When I started reading DR i went back to my computer diary for 2003 cuz this is when i think a started. It was very difficult reading. We were fighting and quarreling all the time. It is when our M started to deteriorate. I had to acknowledge that H must have been very unhappy. This does not excuse him for the a but i understood how he thought this was a solution.
This tog with DR helped me see where i need to change. I stopped nagging, have been positive and upbeat around H and doing lots of little things for him. The change in him was amazing. HE went from going hunting with buds practically every night to beign at home with me. Lots of love and attention.
I had gone on weekend trip to NY and he noticed change when I came home. He still doesn't know what it is. But he did upset me with a R talk. He started it. He said he did not know if i was trying to impress him and that if i was doing this to impress him or for show it would not last and if he did some thing to anger me what would happen.
I think he was feeling quite guilty about ow thing and maybe now no excuse for his behaviour. I felt hurt that this was his response to my efforts and told him so. But did say this was the new me enjoy.
Problem is, my H is a guy who would like to sweep whole a and troubles under carpet. He thinks everything is fine and even suggested we did not need to keep seeing MC.
But flip side he is very responsive to changes and loving. Says he loves me from bottom of his heart etc.this from man who couldn't stand sight of me a month and a half ago! But am scared i can't keep it going. Feel also he is in some sort of MLC he is 46, I am 40. Don't know what to do to keep changes going. Know i need to kick it up a notch.
Yesterday H called me 3 times! He's been very good lately at letting me know what he is doing and where he is or will be.
He has become very loving, kisses me goodbye every morning, not just peck on lips. I have been very good at dbing but lately notice that I am angry at him. Keep remembering A and OW. I realise I have not yet forgiven him and last night lying in bed beside him i felt like I never will or can.
I don't intend that to be true so I will keep working on it. SOme days are better than others. Divorce busting has been the only thing to work positively for me in my marriage. I never thought about taking a solution oriented approach but it makes so much sense and I keep getting great results.
I am struggling with GAL though. See the message I get from H is that he wants me around to take care of him but I also feel he thinks I am somewhat boring as I "don't do anything" That's what he told MC. I want to GAL but am scared H will feel abandoned and find OW.
Challenge for me to keep dbing as i was a very negative person before and also I think selfish. Need to keep reading others experiences on this Board as has really helped me.
Like others on this BB I struggle with accepting that my H had an A and trying to move on from there. It is painful for me because this was with a woman who worked for us for 6mths.
Usually I am good at focusing on the positives-what you focus on expands, but today was not a good Db day. I was tired and felt i didn't have anything to give. I notice that when things have gone well for a while i get the urge to get angry and fight with H.
I realise its that I resent that he may think its so easy to move on from all the hurt and the lies and in a way i want reassurance that he wants the M and loves me.
I am working on forgiveness because I think he is deeply sorry for what he did. He just can't face himself or me with the truth. He has said to me that he is sorry he hurt me and that 'it' will never happen again. All without admitting to an A at all!
I struggle with giving up my idea that this M was a 'fairy tale' and dealing with the reality of a battered R that I still want.
