I would be classed has the hdw, for the last 4 years we have had 'sex' issues, I have tried every thing, from nagging, to leaving it alone, nice underwear, meals, praise the lot. He hates the 'sex' subject. 4 years ago his excuse for the lack of lm was that he hated condoms and was afraid i would get pregnant...so I went onto the injections...then the reason went to something else....then something else, and now for the last 18 months its the 3 b's....back, bowls and balls . He now says that he can only ml when he feels alright, but when he feels alright he says that we are usually at logger heads. so during 2004 we ml 3x's and because this problem has led to me have even worse body image issues, them 3 times were me trying to stay covered, and checking that nothing was hurting...this also means its one posistion only me on top. The last time we ml was beginging of last September. On bad days I am convined hes seeing someone, or (he has a history) is using porn again. On good days I dont care. So last week I decided that I should no longer let him have control over my feelings and basically he doesnt want sex because he says its uncomfortable ( I have spoken bluntly to him about non penatration fooling around), so I should understand that and leave him alone. After all mastabation never says no and I have a good imagination, so i should just 'sort myself out' and leave him to it. ( in Jan I stopped ironing to prove a point, my back hurts during ironing and i have to do that around2x's aweek, and I was only asking to ml once a month. So this week i have ironed all his shirts, he has made no comment). So I suppose I am trying to do a 180, and felt really good about it for the first couple of days, today I feel sad again as usual I am just glad hes actually out and I could just scream shout and cry, I know a lot of other hd feel ugly, fat and undesired but does it just become very overwhelming at times. I know at times I just want to walk out and never turn back, I am hoping to conquere this 180.
I really don't understand. Has he seen a doctor and is there something wrong or is he for real or what? Sorry to be so obtuse.
You are living through a very difficult situation. I admire your ability to communicate with him so clearly. I wish I had the answers to help you. Have you read the DB DR books? GAL may apply here. What do you like doing?
Has he had a thorough checkup? If not he REALLY should have one. Also, he's obviously not understanding the depth of pain that rejection can cause...he's got tunnel vision and it's all about him, him, him.
I don't say that to be mean to him, it's just simply how it appears to me. My LDH did the same thing. With him however the problem is slightly different. But he also came up with excuse after excuse not to ML. There's something more going on with your H.
What about counseling? If he's shot that down, is it possible he's having an affair...and feels that by sleeping w/you he's cheating on the OW? Sounds cruel I know, but it does happen.
Plenty, he has had cameras both ways, hes had physio. Hes had his testicals scanned, hes had bloods done, everything under and over the sun.....they have found nothing, and basically told him to get on with life.
His he having an affair?
I dont think so. But who knows for sure, I have asked him he says no.
Since our problems have begun I have put on around 50lbs. Yes I know it wont help but I was that big when the problems started so that wasnt a issue.
I know I am no oil painting, I am very realistic about what and who I am, and I know that I can no longer keep up with this kind of relationship. I have told him that I no longer believe in love, well if it did excist it surely shouldnt feel like this!! I have also said that I will no longer, ask, plead, beg, argue or even romance him into giving me any attention. I no longer want what he is unwilling or wants to give. I understand that a loving intimate relationship is not what all people want....if thats what you dont want or are unwilling to give thats fine but be straight with your partner. My friend at work goes on and on how she doesnt let her husband near her....but would be mortified if he had an affair...so its ok for her to deny him the love and attention he craves, but if he finds it else where she would be hurt and mortified.
For my partner the best thing I can do is leave the subject alone, its nots something he thinks about. For me its with me every day, the continued sadness and lonliness. You sit and watch telly and a love scene comes on, I have to get up and go to the kitchen and make a cup of tea....it just hurts too much.
So any ld's out there that want a loving relationship on there terms only....what about us when do our feelings, wants and needs get met. Are you then going to get angry if someone flirts with us and we flirt back because the attention is so nice and it makes us feel a little wanted and desired. You know I always thought a relationship was about give and take...in all departments. But it seems to me that if its the itamaite side then its tough. The LD person doesnt miss anything they dont want, but the hd person is left to know they are undesired wanted or needed. Dont get me wrong, me hd...no way, once a month would be wonderful, twice would be out of this world and that would be enough. Sorry for the rant but things have just gotton way on top of me and I am at breaking point.
I can so understand where you are coming from, unfortunately. I know what this feels like, and so do many other women on this board...but it can change.
You answered the majority of my questions but one...what about counseling? I am COMPLETELY convinced now that if I had not put my foot down about the need for counseling that we wouldn't be on the road towards recover now.
Oh, and I know what you are talking about with the television...why is it that when there is something you want but can't/don't have that's all you see on the tv? If I'm dieting, it's chocolate....now of course it's ads for sexual enhancement products. Even my LDH has noticed them LOL
One common mistake you are going to see that people have made is that they told their spouse what it was they wanted, what they weren't getting etc. But they set no boundaries...have you actually set concrete consequences for your H not taking action or doing what you ask of him to fulfill your needs? If you don't set boundaries (w/consequences) why should he do what you are asking? Right now he's able to do nothing, w/no reprocussions
Keep in mind though that whatever boundaries you set you need to be willing to go through with the consequences.
I agree with GEL about the counseling. Have you tried Relate? You can find them at http://www.relate.org.uk/ or, depending upon where you are, in your local telephone directory. I don’t know if NHS covers things like this, but it’s certainly worth looking into.
I worked in a group home for deliquent boys. We had pleanty of rules / requests in your situation, that did not work. The problems were mostly that we had poor way to impliment the rules.
As a team, and with other grouphome managers, we decided to simplify the rules, make them "VERY CLEAR" and have enforcable consequences that had to be applied to "every rule infraction." Some kids worked for stars on their daily evaluations, other kids thought stars were signs of being on the enemys side, some kids only responded to severe punishment like going back to reform school / juvinile delequent semi-lock up.
Though, your case is not a grouphome type relationship with your spouse, some relationships will not change much unless someone sees they have something to gain or something to lose for not at least negoating some changes.
You have to see what works or does not work in your situation. No rewards or no consequences does not work. Take it slow, get him to buy in to rebuilding the Marriage. If what you try does not work, try something else. Measure the results.
Have we tried Relate...yes. We found that at times because of a terrible childhood I will need and want more attention including lm...we found that he was not comfortable with itimate, but came to a compromise that when I needed that he would try and provide it.....does it happen NO....he just tells me you know what we found out I am not good giving itamacy.....he tends to use it as though "well you know I cant give you that...even the lady at relate said that"...he seems to have been given permission to withold whatever...funny though he has a season ticket for soccer and them seats are so uncomfortable...yet he is able to sit through a game with no complaint...when it comes to ml with his woman that is way too much effort...I dont know why i bother!!!!!
Warning. Smoke screen ahead! -------- he just tells me you know what we found out I am not good giving itamacy.... -------
Grouphome talk. I did (abc..xzy) because my meds did not kick in yet.
Real meaning is, I am entitled to do things my way, I don't want to be a responsible person, or I am to lazy to try to do the right thing.
There is a little deliquent child in all of us. Most of us can see the rewards for honorable adult interactions and choose to go that route.
Some people are motivated by good things, some people are motivated just to avoid the pain, and there are people motivated by the mix of reward or pain. Where are you? Where is your Spouse?
I'm so sorry he sees things that way. Clearly he's missing the point - probably intentionally. Rather than choosing to work on an identified problem, he's choosing to use it to excuse his behavior. I don't know what to suggest other than what others have said: put some consequences on his bad behavior.
. He now says that he can only ml when he feels alright, but when he feels alright he says that we are usually at logger heads. so during 2004 we ml 3x's and because this problem has led to me have even worse body image issues, them 3 times were me trying to stay covered, and checking that nothing was hurting...this also means its one posistion only me on top. The last time we ml was beginging of last September. On bad days I am convined hes seeing someone, or (he has a history) is using porn again. On good days I dont care.
