I have been a regular on the MLC BB, thought I might get a different perspective of life visiting here since i am now divorced.
Here is my sich-:
Was married for 22 years together 25 to my best friend. we were totally emeshed in each otheres lives, not without the ususal problems. He came home one night, 17 months ago and shot the " I love you but not in love with you" bullet, "Havn't for 2 years" etc.... left 7 days later, started developing a friendship with a work collegue 4 months later, which has since developed into a r/ship ( she had just left her husband) so to everyone it seemed like a double rebound, both couldn't stand to be alone. I had of course gone through H$$L throughout all this, we all know the heartache that we endure, H to me was my life, there was not one single solitary person that knew us that was not shocked...we were the perfect loving dedicated couple that was envied by all. After a time, I started to work on myself, avoided contact to no end, got some info from my daughter when I felt the need to whip myself...yes it hurt to know some things, and did a lot of research on MLC...yes he was a definate candidate, and the more I learnt, the more I understood that this was about him, not me, especially the changes he had made with himself ( all not for the betterment of his life) and came to this wonderful life saver of a board, vented cried and had the most unbelievable support...I am sure I would have gone crazy had it not been for this "invisible love" from people that knew exactly how I was feeling. Well, after a time I became strong, evolved into a stand alone woman, developed a social circle that I had never had, didn't really want since I had H that is all I needed at the time....I bloomed!! When we had been separated 12 months (as is the case in Australia, must be apart for this time in order to divorce) I filed for Divorce, something that I will regret for the rest of my life, but my reasons were sound...All of this time I had no control over the sistuation, I sat at the back of the rooler coaster, hanging on for dear life wondering where it would go next, and I felt that I had to scramble to the fornt grab the handle and take control...to steer it my way...does that make sense?? I could not stans the thought of D papers being handed to me, that would have been the last straw...so I reversed the situation.....I have since found out the he was never going to divorce me. I think this is where the wheels started to come off for H, it certainly knocked him, as he let our D28 know....and he had done not one bit of "work" on himself, nothing !!
The divorce went through 4 months ago, he stated a bit of contact 2 months ago, little things first, text messages re: the kids...all grown, the Happy Christmas etc, then a text re: the death of a friends father( whom we had not seen for years) so I think just a way to break the ice, adding on how was our cat, my mum...Me? It was here he let me know that he was not happy, "stuck" in life...rang my mum for her bithday, first contact for 17 months.... then we spoke on the phone several times....he spoke to our D28 and said how much I had changed, so calm, confident...yes I had done the perfect 180... stuck to the issues at hand, but with love and care. Time had come for a face to face requested by D28, it was her Son's first birthday, and she wanted us there, time to meet. She requested that he did not bring the o/w and I not bring anyone ( I had been seeing somone up until very recently). It was an extraordinary day, I presented as I sounded, although very nervous...yes I had changed and all for the better, he lokked great, BUT I know him and I knew that he was not travelling real well... We made a lot of small but pleasant talk, until the way home, when I asked him if he was happy, he replied that he wasn't, he missed our friendship, had not developed a social circle, that our "sex" has never been equaled ( I don't know why this was important to him that day)...He wanted to know if I was in a r/ship...NO I am not, but Yes I had slept with the guy...I told him that he was and still is my only true love, that I will never love again the way I loved him...I could not commit to anyone. He appeared to become more and more uneasy as the coversation flowed, and on arrival at his drop off point ( We had to drive an hour to the function, so I opted to drive us both) he flre the car with a quick" goodbye, talk soon" I have since learnt from our D28 that, he was an emotional wreck...went home and lost it...text me for no more contact because we was a wreck...I text back that I respected his feelings, soryy he was unhappy, my heart is always open, unconditionaly..and that I loved him. He broke down sobbing, has had the week off work...admitted for the first time that he is depressed, not coping, has anger problems and all that goes with it... he has finally looked within and doesn't like what he sees anymore.
I love him more than life itself, and my heart breaks at what is happeneningto him...yes, I know I went through it too and he didn't help me one bit, but MLC is the ugliest form self destruction for them, and they can't see through the fog. I have kicked myself so many times about the divorce, I had always hoped of a new life together and have convinced myself that this still can happen...the divorce was the end of the "old life". So I suppose this is why I have gone thriough my "marathon" of a story to get some advice. All of what is happeneing is fresh..just this week...he starts therapy next week...I know that I have to stay completely away, just rely on the info to filter through our Daughter ( by the way she is his step daughter, but Dad since she was 2..very very close) and sit tight.
I have a million questions, but I think I would just like some advice form those who know. I have a post on the MLC forum: The Next Chapter Of Kazzieb, if anyone wanted a read.
I will apoligize for typos, I have to go to work, so thank you for all that read this and I must say I am glad that there is a site for the newly divorced to visit.
Hello from up above! (Florida) ('cause you're down under Sorry, corny joke!). Keep doing what you've already been doing. GAL work to keep your improvements going, and be open to exploring things when he's ready. He needs to address his Depression himself - this is his responsibility.
You're doing great. I'm so glad you decided to post here. There is so much strength evident in your stance. Keep us posted, and we'll try to help as well as we can!
I agree, you have a good plan of action. You have done very well thus far, keep up the good work.
How does your daughter handle being the go between? The last thing she needs is additional stress, especially if she has a young family of her own. I worry, but she is probably as strong as her mother.
Kazzieb, I think time is on your side. The fact that he is starting therapy is resoundingly good news. Don't give up hope, for soon may be the time for that to blossom. I am now wondering if my XW divorced me for the issue of control, something she really needs more than she realizes. Keep doing what you have and be patient...now is when it will really count.
Sorry, corny joke!). Keep doing what you've already been doing. GAL work to keep your improvements going, and be open to exploring things when he's ready. He needs to address his Depression himself - this is his responsibility.