Thanks for the new forum!!!I am in surviving the big d, right now, but I believe posting here might help me as well. How many people are officially d and still want to make their marriage work?? Should be still be trying to make it work, after the big d???? The only thing I really know right now is and this goes for all of us: you have to work on yourself. If you are not happy with yourself, you will not be happy with anyone else.
I wasn't planning on being in this sitch, but that's how its happening now. X contacted me out of the blue and had really made positive changes. Your comment of working on yourself and being happy with yourself really rings true. I have done many positive things for myself before and since the D last July and continue to do so.
For those of us with Kids it is very important to maintain some sort of R with our X. We work on ourselves, be there for the kids and yes try and have a R with the X. It is so important to me and my XW to have a good relationship, mainly for the boys. I often think that she would have nothing to do with me if it weren't for the boys but this is assuming at best. I take each day, one day at a time, be here for my boys and do things I love to do.
I'm a little PO'd at xw right now cause I feel like she has been lying (or at least not telling all the truth) about some things. I need to stop asking questions, maybe that way I wont get no lies.
Anyway, to answer your question "should we be trying to make our relationship work after the D. That is all up to the individual. I want to have the best R I can with her, for several reasons (I love her, I regret the situation, I hate what this is doing to the Kids, I dont believe in D), the lists goes on. The way I look at it is that I really have nothing to loose by having some sort of relationship with her. Who knows what the future holds. Many people believe that once the R goes South, one should just give up and move on. This just isn't the route for me. Don't get me wrong I have a life and I am happier now, but I would still love to have her in my life.
I firmly believe that the best chance of reconciliation is thru the act of real and lasting change. Being happy with yourself makes you the most attractive. If XS is drawn to the this then its their loss, but look at all we have gained .... happiness, confidence, wisdom.
hope-you seem to have a great attitude. it is really hard when you have kids. thats were I get confused--is he being nice for d sake or do I still have a chance. How long have you been d?? is your exw seeing someone?? I don't believe in divorce either and I want to fight for this ex marriage, it ain't over until someone says I DO!!! but I do need to work on myself. I feel that if I try to go on with my life he'll think yeah, shes doing her own thing now, not thinking that I still love him.
No, we don't have kids. She contacted me because she had been seeing a C and working on some of her problems, both current and past. When she started to make progress, she saw our relationship and the actions that I did that bothered her the most in a different light. She also feels (as do I) that we really do have plenty of common ground and common life goals for a successful relationship.
Although we didn't have children, I really did think we had something worth saving so I am trying to make it work, which right now really isn't turning out to be that difficult because she is so much easier to talk to and understanding of her needs and mine. The hardest part is working together to help me rebuild trust in her and the R. I still have fears for the future, but overall it is promising.
you said it best engine--there is hope, always hope, I guess we know its too late in our hears. How long has everyone been d??when you have kids together, when or should I say where do you draw the line on things having to do with the kids?
syzyblue, Who knows why they are nice. My xw says the biggest reason is because of the boys. She also says she cares for me and doesnt want to be a "B" to me. I'm sure the guilt plays a part to. I try not to read a whole lot into her actions. I was divorced in late December. My xw has a boyfriend. Here's something that is really hard to grasp, Its difficult for everyone, including me, but it is paramount. Our getting a life will make our XS take notice, they may say a couple things: 1. I can finally move on with my life without worrying about them and the things I did to them. This is a very real possibility. 2. Wow, they really have changed, I really like them, did I do the right thing? This is also a very real possibility.
Either way we are in a better place, because we are happy. Being happy with ourselves makes us attractive. We are more confident, more productive, more active, more everything. It truely is their loss if they cant or wont see it. The most important thing here is that we make ourselves happy. I have a great life, and I want to share my life with my wife, I have so much to give her, the decision is hers. In a way I would not want to be in her shoes, becuase I know how much pain I caused her and I know how much she does not trust me. I really dont blame her for moving on. Off my soapbox. Hope
hope, you have such a great attitude maybe are ex's will just never know what they are missing. I was thinking back at all the changes I have made, and ya know I made so great strides in my life. I read an article regarding forgiveness. Its a persons choice to forgive. I have forgiven myself. He has said that he has forgiven me. Well, I think if he did, he would want to work on us. I think he has chosen to make a choice not to trust me. We all make mistakes and since he has chosen that, fine, he is missing out on a beautiful, sexy, new woman!!
