HD, you need to call her on it. you need to do it while it is a fresh issue.
She won't be happy, but hey, she already isn't.
I also find the timing of the whole deal interesting.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Re: History of whoppers. I'm not sure about this. I screwed up twice on the financial thing...once, when we were first married about my personal finances, once, about a year and a half ago about our joint finances. Neither one was about me squandering money on hookers, drugs, or other nefarious activities. Both were situations where my or our finances were outspending our inflow, and I thought I could get out of the problem without telling her. I was wrong.
I haven’t posted to you before and I know I’m jumping in a bit late, but this topic is particularly relevant to me. I finished reading “Tell Me No Lies” by Ellyn Bader a couple of months ago and a section of that book screamed out to me when reading your situation.
It sort of falls in line with Nops post from above, and Bader labels the concept the “Lie Invitee.” Basically, that some people “invite” lies in a number of different ways through there reaction to the truth (i.e., disproportionate anger, heavy-handed punishment, unwillingness to forgive, or an expressed desire for an alternate response).
I must admit that your story really hit home with me. I have told “white” lies to my W in the past because I feared the wrath the would be unleashed. I have worked really hard not to ever let this happen again.
Nops concept is dead-on (although I might quibble with the wording). If Mrs. HD wants to hear the truth then she has to be willing to react in a way that invites it. Not to say that she can’t get angry or upset that you forgot to do something you promised to, but that she has to be willing to accept your apology and move on.
Definitely sounds like a topic for your next session of MC. Good luck.
Hairy, Please note that I am not saying that you have a history of telling whoppers, LOL, only that your wife perceives it that way right now.
That's all that really matters, right? She thinks it, therefore you should make an attempt to not go down that road with her, no matter what she does.
LittleBill, That was a most interesting post!!! Inviting lies. What an interesting (and true, in this case) idea. I wonder what MrsHairy will say to that one?
I think I'm too close geographically for the fallout on that. Maybe you can wait til I go on vacation or something, HD.
Just another angle for you to consider.... I had huge trust issues with my wasband, and for valid reasons. But when I "set him up" by asking something I pretty much knew the answer to.... I was really hoping to catch him telling the truth. For me, I felt I "needed" to know if he was lying, so I could protect myself... but I desperately hoped he'd tell me the truth, because if I set him up and he did tell the truth, it would let me know it was safe to trust again.
So yeah, Ms HD is setting HD up... but it might not be all with bad intentions. The only way to start trusting again when you've been decieved, is to have repeated examples where that person does NOT take the opportunityt to lie.
I agree that it is possible that her intentions were good, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions. A setup, is still a deception, regardless of the intention. I don't see deception and lying as any different.
That is my view, I am not bustin' your chops :-)
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Hairdog, Your thread was one I followed while lurking. I may be way out of line and looking through my own lenses too much. But many times I find that the problems between my SO and I are a result of similarities rather than differences. I see lots of similarities between you and your wife in your posts. That probably makes you cringe. Sorry about that.
Forget your wife for now though. How do YOU feel about yourself when you do something you recognize is irresponsible? How do YOU feel about yourself when you lie or coverup? I am going to read your mind now. closing eyes, doing vulcan mind meld Is it possible that you don't much like this part of yourself? It's embarrassing that your W knows this part of you and doesn't like it either? Maybe you are dealing with your discomfort with this part of yourself by returning the focus to her? (Doesn't your wife have a way of blaming you for her bad behavior? Ahhhhh, similarities)
I agree that timing about all this is interesting. You came back to the site to get support/advice when your W brought up something about you that maybe you do recognize as real change you need to make. Let the defensive barriers down for a minute. Remember it is actually a position of strength, not weakness, to confront oneself honestly and admit mistakes and try to fix them. How do you feel about that? Will you respect yourself more if you confront this part of yourself? (It doesn't have to have anything to do with your W if that makes it easier to do.)
Thanks for chiming in DrJL. Yeah, I feel like crap that I lied (sacrificed my integrity) in order to avoid confrontation with her. And, of course, I had totally set up the confrontation in the first place, although I'm not sure if it was intentional, or subconscious.
And yes, there is embarassment that my wife knows about this side of me and that she does not like it. Which causes me to wonder if I am trying to bring this issue (my fear of her reactions) to the fore, rather than sabotaging the progress we've made in the relationship.
Frankly, it's making my head ache. That must mean I'm on to something.
Quote: I'm not sure if it was intentional, or subconscious.
Yeah, who really knows? and does it really matter?
Quote: And yes, there is embarassment that my wife knows about this side of me and that she does not like it.
Mind if I spin this for you. This comes from my working through my own self-esteem issues and dealing with admitting flaws and failure. So I'm really right there with you. One of the really weird and wonderful things about marriage is that your S DOES know your flaws, doesn't like them, and sticks around anyway. Let a little gratitude for this sneak in.
