Three reasons why I am turned on by the thought of two men having sex. 1) I really like male bodies. 2) I am not turned off by anal sex. 3) I read James Baldwin during a very horny period in my teens.
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"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Well, given your history, I would question you too. In fact, I am questioning you right now.
Ok, I'm done.
I do believe you that you have the hots for your wife but I don't blame her for the line of questioning. As women, we end up trying out several different scenarios in our minds to explain why a red blooded male would not want to ML to us. After all, society sends us the message that men are sex hounds from the time we are little girls.
Historically, were you ever the sexually aggressor in the R? If you were, then you can gently remind her of that and build on those times.
Also, I think getting control of the masturbation will only add good things to your marriage. My H and I don't masturbate at all, and while some think this is extreme, I can tell you that it HURLS us towards each other in a way that would not be necessary if we were mbating. NOPkins once posted that he wished that he and his wife had taken this journey at the age that we are (mid to late 30's) and I didn't write this out but I thought, Hell YES I'm starting now...if 100% of my sexual energies are directed towards my husband, then we are GOING to fix this! If he is my only outlet, then I am going to make our sexual R the best it can be..there is no other way.
Again, I'm certainly not suggesting that this lifestyle is for everyone and, quite frankly, I don't really care what other people will do...I just wanted to say that MB can pose a serious hindrance to an already difficult problem. If you are avoiding your wife, it makes it all that much more easy to continue to do so. If your only outlet is your wife, you are mentally AND physically motivated to make your relationship good. Maybe someday after you've worn your wife out, you can reinstate it (if you want to) but for now, I think you are wise to cut it out and devote your mental, physical and emotional energies towards her.
Speaking of wearing the old girl out, do you know what her frequency preference is? How do you feel about that number?
Honey-- You scared me there for a minute. I thought that I had said too much and had all you guys questioning me, now! But, I like a good heart-attack mid-day. Nothing to get the old muscle pumping good and fast!! Except for a good round in the bedroom.
As for the being the aggressor in our relationship. I never really was. Why? I'm not sure but I think it goes back to the whole pedestal thing. Duh!? Am I stupid or what!?! I'm working on much of this in counseling.
As for the MB thing...you are TOTALLY right. I have NEVER wanted my wife more...and I am almost past the point of being a gentleman about it!! Now that I know what it does and how it tamps the desire...especially as we get older...I don't plan to take it up again. You know, three and four times a day as a teen and young adult was not out of the ordinary...but now, one release and I'm out of commission! YIKES!
As for her preferred frequency...I think is somewhere along the lines of morning, noon and night!! But, she would settle for once a day. I'm not sure my little keball would be able to maintain that frequency but if it makes momma happy, at this point, I'm willing to try!!! I have always been fond of the saying, "If momma ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy!" I just didn't realize how much I wasn't living by it!! DOUBLE YIKES!!
Thanks for the understanding and the chuckle. My heartbeat has returned to normal!
KEB, I know you were prolly joking, but I wanted to suggest that you (when the time is right) try and find out what her preferred frequency is. My H used to say (shout) that he wasn't capable of every day sex. This has not changed..he still maintains that he is not, although when conditions are right there are times when we have sex every day for weeks on end. But as a general rule we do not ML every day. He has said that his preferred frequency is every 3 days, or roughly twice per week. My frequency is at least every other day. We have agreed to sex twice weekly and, KEB, perk up your ears here fella...my H has not let me down with this pledge. Not a new job or a new baby or a new mortgage..nothing.
He made a promise to me and he stuck with it, NO MATTER WHAT. At this point, I could probably take a broken promise but this is two years after the fact. It has seriously taken me that long to be able to trust his word and feel comfortable with a broken promise. A broken promise being "We will ML tonight" and then him either ignoring me and expecting that I will take the hint (which I detest and he no longer does) or outright saying, Can we postpone it til tomorrow.
I think he has finally realized that I have a very limited idea of what constitutes a legitimate reason for not having sex. Fever, yes. Sick crying child, yes. Stressful day, no. Tired, definitely not. You get the idea. Not that he has no say in this whole thing, not at all. (though I'm aware that's how it looks on paper) Just that he has to take this seriously and he has to reserve his "opting out" for when it is absolutely necessary.
And I make sure to meet his needs in a similar way. For instance, when he walks through the door at night, he wants the house spotless. We have 3 small children, so this is a joke! Every day about a half hour before he arrives home, I run thru the house and pick up all the toys and kid paraphernalia, do the lunch dishes, run the dustbuster, etc, and make it look as if we do not have kids, lol. Personally I think it's ridiculous as it is all trashed within an hour after he gets home, but HE likes it. HE has requested that I do this, so I do.
It is a bit premature in your game to start making requests of your wife, but I would urge you to think about the ways in which you would feel more positive about the R (and therefore more willing to give to her, physically) and present it when the time is right...after you have both re-committed yourselves to the marriage and are ready to make changes.
It took me a long time to learn what he wanted and needed of me and an even longer time to agree to do it, lol, but now that I do we are both happier.
Ok, I'm off on a tangent again. What the heck were we talkin about anyway?!
Good luck to you, friend.
Tonight is a new night. Make the most of it with your ACTIONS.
I just wanted to add a warning. Do not say anything to your wife that would make her think you were purposefully withholding sex from her because you were angry or resentful. Some HDFolk like me can not deal with this concept at all. If I start thinking that my H was or is withholding sex, it makes me want to leave him pronto because, in my mind, this is totally unacceptable behavior along the lines of physical abuse. I can not tolerate the thought of being in a relationship where the price I might pay for not being a perfect wife is not getting laid. Does this make sense?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Sorry for what you are going through with the gay thing. My H has a best friend who is gay, has been accused of being gay by a former gf etc... The bottom line is that men who are not agressive are seen as potentially gay.
Anyway, hang in there. Keep letting your W know how you feel about HER. We HDW's are suckers for juicy info e.g. W I had a dream about you the other night and.... or W remember when we went on that trip to FL and f*cked on the balcony? etc...
keBall- Man, you get so many replies I can't keep up with your sitch. you gotta come back to the man forums. We're all going out for a beer later you interested? we're gonna call it the GAL convention
If it wasn't for my daughter I would have already given up.
I just wanted to add a warning. Do not say anything to your wife that would make her think you were purposefully withholding sex from her because you were angry or resentful. Some HDFolk like me can not deal with this concept at all. If I start thinking that my H was or is withholding sex, it makes me want to leave him pronto because, in my mind, this is totally unacceptable behavior along the lines of physical abuse. I can not tolerate the thought of being in a relationship where the price I might pay for not being a perfect wife is not getting laid. Does this make sense?
Jen,
I don’t agree with this, though I understand what you are saying. Why is withholding sex any worse than say withholding affection or quality time or acceptance? Obviously, we HDs think that it is something that should be above and beyond everything else in the relationship, but we hear time and again that it does not work that way for the LD spouse.
My H and I have talked a lot about this. Yes, he did withhold from me. I asked him why. He said it was partly ignorance, because he didn’t understand how much our SL meant to me. It was partly laziness and selfishness, this was dominant in the early years. It was partly resentment and control, this was dominant in the later years. He felt that there were things I withheld from him, and he had been giving more to the relationship than he was getting. (Of course, I felt the same way…don’t we all?)
It took me a long time to understand and accept that he had been withholding, not necessarily the sex, but the willingness to make the effort.
KEB, right now is not the time to tell your wife that she was in any way responsible for your sex life going down the tubes. What I am trying to caution you against is going the other way and taking all the blame on yourself. Tread a fine line. Accept your responsibility and acknowledge her pain. At some later date, you can hopefully address her part of the puzzle.
Julie-- Thank you for your post. The phases your husband describes are exactly how I feel. The same goes for my W not meeting my needs. I also felt like that I was giving more to the R than I was getting. Like I said before, it all becomes a vicious cycle. And the longer it persists, the harder and thicker the shell around the love becomes. Sooner or later, we can't see or feel the love anymore, just the shell of what used to be.
I have tried so hard to explain to my wife that deep inside at the very core of that shell...there is still an all-encompassing love and desire for her. But, because of where she is mentally, these are only words for her.
Let me say again, my W is a WONDERFUL woman and mother, who is just wounded to the core. I know I'm responsible for much of that but I also know, thanks to her, that I'm not the ONLY cause. She steps up to take blame where it is due. Because of this, I am so frustrated. We have all the makings of a couple who can salvage our M. But, she's not willing...at least not right now.
I am just going to keep listening to you guys and WORKING on making her feel important to me. And, I'm going to keep working on me to make ME feel important to me...without needing her validation.
Quote: The bottom line is that men who are not agressive are seen as potentially gay.
Yeah, that's been the story of my life. I have learned (for the most part) not to let it bother me. It just hurts more when it comes from the W...but then, I don't think she really means it.
If he is my only outlet, then I am going to make our sexual R the best it can be..there is no other way.