I really believe that if you "get it" now, you can begin walking down that road to recovery with her.
I absolutely agree with Honeypot though, don't overwhelm her with apoligies...sure say what's in your heart, if you feel it necessary to say pour your heart out and let her know that you now really "get it" then by all means do so. If it's heartfelt, she'll know it.
But...as Honeypot said...follow up those words with actions, consistent actions. That doesn't mean you overwhelm her with gifts etc...but actions of love. Your C can help the two of you discover what you love langages are...learn to speak hers
I can definitely tell you that actions speak volumes with me. He's told me too often that he would do whatever it takes to "fix" things....but then never do anything. So as the old addage goes..."words are cheap" at least if they aren't followed up by actions.
Honey, Just a bit of background on how she got to be on the pedestal.
I met her when I was 14. I fell in love with her instantly. Of course, we went to different schools, so it was hard to "date." THEN, our freshman year of h.s., we started "going together." She was my first homecoming date. We spent most of the year as a couple. But, not long after the Sadie Hawkins dance, she broke up with me. I was crushed. (I found out, only recently, that she broke-up because I wouldn't kiss her at our Sadie Hawkins marriage--I was just painfully shy back then).
Let me add here that she was/is beautiful with big, blue eyes and long brown hair. Me, well, I look like Shrek...just with a little more hair...and I'm not green.
I continued to have a crush on her throughout h.s. But, she was the cheerleader and I was the band geek. I was her friend and study partner when we had classes together. I would go on quests to do what she wanted. Not that she was that demanding. But, I had to watch from the sidelines as she dated the football players and the BMOC.
During that time, I had girlfriends but mostly just "arm-candy" that I used when I needed someone to make-out with. I'm not proud of this...it's just how I was.
Then, we both went off to college. We would call each other every few months or so. She was living it up and so was I. When we were home together, we'd go out on "dates." We'd hold hands and kiss but that was it. We usually both were dating other people and being the gentleman my mom and sisters trained me to be, I respected the boundaries.
Talking on the phone, we'd often joke about getting married because we were each others' perfect Catholic spouse. Those talks would send quivers of joy through me...but I'd convinced myself that she was just talking. You see, I still had a HUGE crush on her.
Anyway, over Christmas break our senior year of college, we were both "single." So, we dated more seriously. We spent New Year's Eve together that year and I realized how totally, crazy in love I was with her!!! From that point-on, we talked on the phone almost every other day. It still wasn't a complete relationship but it was getting there. I finally got the nerve to ask her to Ring Dance (our college equivalent to Sr. Prom). She said yes.
She came and spent the weekend with me and I planned it down to the very last detail. There was lots of wine and roses. A midnight picnic at the most romantic spot on campus. I actually made her swoon. And I was on CLOUD NINE! I knew that she was the one. When, we went to bed that night, I made my pallet on the floor (again, thinking that I was being a gentleman). She told me that it was okay for me to sleep with her on the bed. So, I did and I was SCARED to death...not because it was sex (I wasn't a virgin)...because it was HER! She told me she trusted me and we had a nice time.
After graduation, we spent several weeks at home together...the longest time in years. We were inseparable because I KNEW she was the one. Then, she had to go away for the summer to perform in a summer stock theater...I went back to finish my last 8 hours of college. We talked daily. And, one day, she was having a TERRIBLE time...car trouble and more. I said to her, "If I was there, I would take care of you." She said, "Really?" I said, "Yeah, if you would let me, I would take care of you for the rest of your life." She said, "You mean...like marry you?" I said, "Yes, that's exactly what I mean."
Okay, so I proposed on the phone. But, I meant it!! She was my ideal and had been for almost 10 years. I knew that the time was right and that I needed to act.
So, you see, the band geek got the cheerleader. Then, he didn't know what to do with her. He knew he loved her more than any one else in his whole life. He had never experienced the depth of love...the closest he had was his family members. So, instead of acting on that love, he put her some place safe to admire her from a far and in the process made her feel used and unloved.
That's my pedestal story. I'm learning more about this and my control issues in C. I just hope I'm not too late.
Thanks for "listening." Hope this explains some things about me. K
KEBall wrote:
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I wouldn't kiss her at our Sadie Hawkins marriage--I was just painfully shy back then)..........and being the gentleman my mom and sisters trained me to be, I respected the boundaries.
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KEBall, did we have the same mom and sisters? I did some of the gentlemenly things too and GF at the time did not like it. She wanted more and I did not want to get trapped. The main difference between you and me is I did not start to date until I was 18 and was slow at it until I was 22. I had to support my mom and my self and had trouble adding a third person.
Back to the gentlemenly behaviors. At the time I thought that was the knoble thing to do but see how left out my dates must have felt.
KEBall I am still waiting for an answer about the snoring you mentioned over in New Comers. My snoring distanced our R. What do you think about the fact that many overweight people snore and some need a CPAP machine or to lose a lot of weight.
Yes, No, maybe so, bug off? Just passing along what helped our R to get back on track and some snorring conditions are hard on the heart and relationships too. My W loves a teddybear that does not keep her awake most of the night. Cuddling has improved 99% since we sleep in the same bed. ML not as mechanical either.
BTW, good input from a lot of women that have been in your W's shoes. Glad to see you are doing the work to save the M and your long relationship with your W. First loves are so special.
OG Lou GF was a nurse, I was a HS dropuot supporting my mom at the time. Talk about selfesteem issues. (Re: Cheerleader & geek) I went to college later 3.82 GPA. More PMA now. Working on my M too, like you.
OG-- Our posts must have passed on the internet superhighway. I just posted a response to your snoring advice on my Newcomers thread.
What's funny is that I have always been outwardly self-assured--eventhough I wasn't the hottest dude on the block. However, it was always the internal dialogue that made me shy. I'm a complete extrovert but my mind is rampant with self-doubt...so, at times, I have a tendency to be shy...it's just that most people don't believe me.
Again, I'm using C to help over-come the consistently negative dialogue in my head. It affects me in so many different ways...even in the bedroom. So, the quicker I learn to turn-it off (I am working on the STOP thinking technique--with some success)...the better my PMA will become.
Good info :-) I'm going to chime in on the snoring subject. Just to let you know that my H (who is definitely not overweight) does snore..sometimes like a freakin freight train!
It still does get on my nerves, but we rarely sleep apart because of it...unless it's excessive and one of us has to get up early.
BUT....earlier on, when first beginning to address the lack of S in our R it was just ONE more thing that I really resented. Not only was I not getting any attention from my H but I wasn't getting any sleep at night either...it didn't help my tude any.
Fortunately for me my H does know he snores to beat the band at times, my family has commented on it before (to him) LOL. He used to get really irritated with me when I'd wake him up at night to get him to stop snoring...I guess he thought I was just lying in wait for him to fall into a deep slumber just so I could wake him up...NOT! LOL
If you do snore look into the possibilities to if nothing else help minimize it. That would be a great thing towards keeping your W in the bedroom with you
Tony, I was just honest about my LD. I heard what they were saying and I asked some questions. They can answer my questions...and hopefully, I can shed some light on their situations as well.
Cally, I finally have some time to go back and really read some of the posts here. I wanted to address your comment below:
Quote: I only thought this because I can understand okay he says he just doesn't know why he doesn't have much of a sex drive. But when he masturbates to me that shows he does have desire just for his male hand. If he needed a sexual release which is what masturbation is to me then why would a man not want to turn to his wife for that. Maybe I just clueless. Because the masturbation part has really tore me apart.
Okay...this is hard (no pun intended) and a little embarrassing to admit but I was addicted to MB. I think it started when I was a teenager...I'm not sure. In my M, it became easier than ML.
You've seen my posts. I adore my W and did so many things to please her...even with S, I ALWAYS made sure she was satisfied. I didn't care if I finished or not...and honestly, it was much easier because I didn't have to listen to my mental dialogue asking if I was crushing her or if my breath smelled of onions or if my cologne was too strong. I guess after a while, I became more resentful than I knew...I couldn't express myself to her because I was afraid of appearing ungrateful and unworthy (again, very contradictory to my normal outward nature). It was was just easier to avoid S and just MB because it achieved the same end-result for me.
It had nothing to do with a "man's hand" it was a quick-release thing. I was in COMPLETE control of it and I didn't even have to work at it. It was as simple as that.
THEN, I read in the John Gray book about MB connecting you more to your feminine side. That was a HUGE eye-opener...it helped explain A LOT! I had lost a lot of respect in my W eyes because I already tend toward the F side anyway. I am the primary care giver to our kids (a generally female role). I openly express my emotions (another female role). THEN, this whole MB issue making you more feminine...YIKES!! I stopped the MB right then and there!! It's been over 6 weeks...and as you've also probably read...I am ACHING for S...especially with my W!!
It's amazing what a little information can do to shed light on things. I am hoping to keep building on what I've learned and hopefully it will pay off.
I hope that answers your question. In your case, maybe you could offer to help your H with his MB activities. BUT, you have to be ready to take control...don't be afraid to touch and handle him. If you're tentative or unsure...it can be a HUGE turn-off. I know b/c my W tried to help me achieve a couple of times but she was so cautious it made me self-conscious and uncomfortable. Just a helpful hint!!
I'm blushing because I've said too much...TMI, for sure. But, we're here to help each other RIGHT?
