1. Has your sex life with your partner improved since you started DBing or since you read SSM? Yes, but not much. 2. How long have you been DBing or employing the techniques in SSM?3 months 3. How long did it take till things improved?two months 4. What was the most effective DBing or SSM technique for you? Different technique 5. Even if it didn't improve your sex life, did DBing or SSM improve your relationship with your partner? Yes
God is love, love is blind, Ray Charles is blind......so there.
Quote: Our SL has improved a bit, but more importantly (at least to me) our R has improved. We are communicating better and the emotional connection is growing stronger. With the improved communication and emotional connection our SL is slowly improving too!
GEL
Shout out to CeMar! Where, oh where are you??!!
I'm really glad that so much has improved for you, GEL! It sounds like you are slowly but surely getting some positive results. And, more importantly, building a strong foundation to keep things heading in the right direction for you!
Keep up the great work!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Yes our SL has definitely improved. More importantly, I think our R has improved as has our communication. Still a long way to go in all departments, but there is definite and measurable progress.
Been at this almost a year now. End of last June, I was nearly ready to walk out. I count myself truely fortunate to have found you guys here. Now, I couldn't imagine a life without MrsGGB.
There was a small improvement after laying the cards out (the look, things have to change or I'll be gone sooner than later talk), but the big improvement came from the WWME weekend and the tools we learned for sharing our feelings there.
Our greatest progress was made after we both saw Michelle on TV (hah! there is some good there, GGB!)
I know she has a educational tape series, but I wonder if she offers a short (30 to 40 minutes) overview dvd (or perhaps one of her tv interviews) that can be used as an alternative to hoisting the book onto an unwilling partner's head.
I'm a baby to the board, and finished reading SSM about a week ago, so I might not have enough history yet, but thought I'd share my experiences.
I came to the board first, before reading the book. It was the unconditional support that I received from strangers that got me rolling. Just getting up the nerve to talk to my H was a big step. I can say that I probably wouldn’t have done it if the support system wasn’t here. I needed anonymity to voice concerns and feelings and have them validated before I brought them to H.
That being said:
1. Has your sex life with your partner improved since you started DBing or since you read SSM? Yes. We’ve made love 5 times since the 17th of this month. Although I don’t think that this in the book, but I saw something on the board that inspired me to start a spreadsheet on our sex life. I keep track of who initiates (Each of us has a column that I put an x in and it calculates at the bottom of the sheet.) I also keep track of talks that we have to see if it has any effect on our sex life.
Again, we’re new at this, but I feel closer than ever to H. We still can’t discuss sex, except in a joking manner, but everything else is fair game. We’re taking more of an active roll in each other’s lives and our individual household remodeling projects.
2. How long have you been DBing or employing the techniques in SSM?
A week.
3. How long did it take till things improved?
Improvement was immediate. As I have said in another thread, I seem to open the doors and H takes the initiative and walks through them. The fact that he has been more than willing to meet me half way has given me more than I can describe. I feel energized and more willing to put more of myself into our relationship.
4. What was the most effective DBing or SSM technique for you?
Communication, hands down. And I know that H has been using the “Just Do It” technique. There have been a couple of times that his body language has told me that he did not want sex, but I initiated anyway (something I would never have done in the past). Instead of pushing me away, he eventually got into it.
5. Even if it didn't improve your sex life, did DBing or SSM improve your relationship with your partner?
Definitely. With the help of the book, I now understand where he’s coming from. H is still reading the book, and hasn’t made many comments on it, but I can see that he is trying to implement some.
It has been just about a year since I found the board and SSM and a number of other books and sites. So this is a good time to evaluate progress made.
1. Has your sex life with your partner improved since you started DBing or since you read SSM?
Answer: Yes! Before, we had NUTHIN', and now we're up to at least once a month pretty regularly.
2. How long have you been DBing or employing the techniques in SSM?
Answer: Before I found the board, I had been seeing a marriage therapist for a few months, and things began to improve. SSM was one of the best books I read, because it gave some simple, easy to implement suggestions, and assured me that I was not alone.
3. How long did it take till things improved?
Answer: Sex first occurred about 5 months after reading the book, but improvement in the relationship was ongoing from the start.
4. What was the most effective DBing or SSM technique for you?
Answer: Hmm. I tried to introduce more humor into daily life, and I tried to become less of a harper. I started hugging and kissing her for no apparent reason, and although she still does not spontaneously hug or kiss me, I think she likes when I do it.I listened for clues on how and when she wanted intimacy, and so we usually do it at around 6 in the morning, which is when she seems more eager. Also, I stopped trying to bargain for sex; that doesn't work.
5. Even if it didn't improve your sex life, did DBing or SSM improve your relationship with your partner?
Answer: It did both.
Last week was a good example: One morning I chased the kids out of the bed and went to work on W. She moaned and groaned and complained. She turned away 5 times and I climbed over her and was in her face every time. All of a sudden she has this expression like, Let's get started. I think my W has to say no and put up a fight, and has to see me work for it; I guess I don't mind that much. The magazines seem to have it all wrong with my W. She doesn't want a long session. Once she makes her mind up to do it she wants to get started and get finished. I hardly have time to practice all my moves!
1. Has your sex life with your partner improved since you started DBing or since you read SSM? No. We have not ML since 1997.
2. How long have you been DBing or employing the techniques in SSM? Since last summer.
3. How long did it take till things improved? Things improved somewhat in our relationship after a stint of marriage counciling at the end of 2004 - beginning of 2005.
4. What was the most effective DBing or SSM technique for you?Dropping anger and withdrawal, being more aware of my critical/sarcastic tongue, making greater efforts at quality time and support with the kids.
5. Even if it didn't improve your sex life, did DBing or SSM improve your relationship with your partner? The climate of our relationship has much improved, but that has required a tremendous amount of will on my part. When I've made my case for having a SL, my wife responds by saying "I just can't do that. I can't change. If that is what you want, maybe you should get a divorce." I really feel quite hopeless. Last week was our 20th anniversary, and I spent it in a blue funk. I frequently feel that I will never have a love life with my wife. But since I first laid eyes on her 27 years ago, I've wanted no one else.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
Quote: I know she has a educational tape series, but I wonder if she offers a short (30 to 40 minutes) overview dvd (or perhaps one of her tv interviews) that can be used as an alternative to hoisting the book onto an unwilling partner's head.
MrsNOP -
What a great idea! Sort of a little "teaser" program, that might help peak a person's interest to want to learn more! I like it!
As of now, I'm not aware of anything that Michele has that fits exactly into this format. I'll get in touch with her office, though, and see what they might know about something like this.
She does have another videotape called Getting Unstuck which might be an option. It's about 2 hours long. I haven't watched it yet (I must place an order soon! ), but it sounds like it's another good one.
I think that this would be an excellent one to get "the guys" started in on. It goes way beyond "marital relationships", and has a lot more specific info on general "life relationships", such as children, co-workers, relatives, etc. Still a lot of the same techniques and strategies, but maybe not quite so "intimidating" to someone who might not quite be ready to delve into "fixing their marriage", if you know what I mean. Us guys usually DO love to find ways to "fix things", and the solution-oriented process Michele uses is something that most of us can relate to. It does, however, get into some of the DB relationship parts, so it could be a good way to "wean" a reluctant partner into becoming more interested in finding out more about DB, DR, and the SSM programs!
Again, GREAT idea, and I'll see what more I can find out about some other options. Thanks!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
1. Has your sex life with your partner improved since you started DBing or since you read SSM? In terms of quantity and variety, yes. We went from 2x a year to 2x a week (except during her period).
2. How long have you been DBing or employing the techniques in SSM? I read SSM in Feb '04. I hate to confess this here, but it SSM was sort of the 'tester' to see how receptive and willing my W was. Her lack of concearn/effort in the beginning made my anxiety go through the rood until I read Passionate Marriage, then I chilled and started having better results. Then when I started paying cold hard cash for a C, my W got serious. But most of what I've learned was in SSM...I just didn't see it because I started this process in a mindset similar to CeMar.
3. How long did it take till things improved? About4-6 months before significant changes. The whole process de-stabilized the R though, so we ended up getting better in some areas and worse in others.
4. What was the most effective DBing or SSM technique for you? The best thing I did was recognize that my "wants" and "desires" are 100% valid and that it's imperitive to defend the validity of them just as I should recognize the same about my W's feelings and desires. Once I adopted this mentality, I projected a different vibe and garnered my W's respect along with a healthy dose of self-respect.
5. Even if it didn't improve your sex life, did DBing or SSM improve your relationship with your partner? (Please excuse following cheezy line but )I've improved my relationship with myself which made this whole thing worth it.
I was hesitant to post this because everyone's R is so different that it might be counterproductive counterproductive to derive an "average". It might be better to assume at the worst case scenario and be grateful for any improvement. The only thing most of us have in common is this 1 symptom (lack of sex), but each person here and their spouse are very unique individuals. Really understanding this helps you keep some perspective when reading posts, books, and case studies. I spent months qhacking my head on the wall because, in some ways, my situation wasn't improving according to the posts and books I read. When I finally stopped and acknowledged that "my situation is MY situation", I started being more respectful of my W as an individual...when this happen's it's not all good because you could discover that it's your own feelings that you have to manage now.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
I have been working at this on and off for 2-3 years. Currently have sex 5-8 times a year. I could have sex far more, all I have to do is ask. I don't want to ask anymore. I want QUALITY sex and quality AFFECTION, and that comes from desire. I am tired of her letting me use her. I want a partner that is fully into it. Has anyone actually seen the desire level in their spouse change? Has anyone with a VERY LD or ND spouse actually seen them get anywhere near being HD? If us HD's have to provide ALL of the desire, what is the point?
